I don’t know if I want to be around him anymore

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ehlena, Jul 14, 2011.

  1. Ehlena

    Ehlena New Member

    My difficult child is 13, is my stepson, and is currently living in a group home. He has serious issues and will probably not be coming back to live with my husband and I. This is partially due to his destructive tendencies, and also because he has tried to use abuse accusations to get his way, and continues to threaten to do so.

    We visit with him often, and bring him back to our house for dinner together. He’s been ok with us. Once in a while he’s really good and pleasant to be around. We haven’t had him for any overnight visits, and per the judge’s suggestion we aren’t placing a lot of expectations on him, so we don’t run into too much conflict.

    However, difficult child talks a lot about hurting animals and people. He also makes a lot of racist and sexist comments (as a person with a multiethnic background and as a woman, you can imagine this makes me pretty unhappy). difficult child doesn’t say these things in anger, but rather as something that he thinks would be “fun” or things that he thinks are funny. (Example: “Wouldn’t it be fun to put a mouse in a glass of water, put it in the freezer for thirty minutes, and see if the mouse is still alive afterwards?”) Nothing we’ve done has dissuaded him from talking this way.

    His therapist and social worker are both concerned that he may be hurting animals, and not just due to the way he talks. He’s had deep scratches on his hands that he’s told bogus stories about when asked where they came from.

    I’m at the point where I just want to run away. We scheduled another visit with him today, and I just don’t want to do it. I don’t even know if I can say I love the kid anymore. I love the kid he used to be…

    I feel trapped. difficult child considers me and my husband to be his parents, and I don’t want to ditch him like his mom did. At the same time, I want my own children, my husband no longer does (thanks, difficult child), and these visits are becoming very painful for me.

    I want to do the right thing, and I feel like the right thing is being there for difficult child. The way that he talks, though, and my ticking bio-clock, are really bringing me down. And I see so little improvement in him.
  2. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I don't have any advise because I don't have any experience. I can't imagine this situation. Can you talk to a professional about this? You deserve to be happy, we all do. A big hug is all I have.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) and strength to you. I also don't have anything else to offer, but my thoughts and prayers.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I feel you, very much... Very much. We're trying to get my stepdaughter into treatment. And my bio clock is ticking furiously - 2 failed rounds of IVF so far.

    I understand your husband might not want more kids due to the problems with difficult child - but with a biomom that's not into drugs, etc., there will be less issues from the get-go. Maybe you and he could sit down and actually discuss, no judgements, no name calling, no arguments, just reasons you do/don't want to have (another) child. Because I've wanted my own for 20+ years, and still - there are reasons I actually don't. Mostly, though, they're workable. So you might be surprised that you have objections. But don't force the issue. Just discuss... Write stuff down, stop & come back to it later if it gets too emotional.

    Is difficult child your husband's only child? (Try, try again is what I say...)

    As for difficult child... Many of the things you post about him sound like my Onyxx... And I am really glad you all have got him help.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear, my stomach did a flip, reading about his animal "what-ifs." And the scratches on his hands ... you may be on the right track.
    Definitely, he's got to continue therapy, to learn empathy. I hope for everyone's sake that he doesn't just learn to fake it.
    I understand completely where you are coming from. I would continue the visits, since you pointed out that his bmom abandoned him, but keep him away from the little ones (or potential baby). Take him out to a restaurant if you have to.
    So many issues here ... so little time.