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I don't know what to do....
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<blockquote data-quote="zeke11" data-source="post: 268394" data-attributes="member: 7200"><p>I am so happy to see all the responses. I will try to answer some of the questions that I remember.</p><p></p><p>husband is erratic in his behavior. Most of the time he is a good provider and rather a quiet person. He doesn't drink at all, only quite rarely, and doesn't do any drugs because his work regularly drug tests. But he has had very little involvement with parenting. When the kids were small, he preferred to sit and watch tv or read a book rather than be involved with them in daily life. That is not to say he totally was isolated - we did take family trips, etc., but more or less in the day to day - not a lot of family type involvement (playing games together, etc.).</p><p></p><p>He doesn't drink at all, only quite rarely, and doesn't do any drugs because his work regularly drug tests.</p><p></p><p>So most of the time, he ignores bad behavior, doesn't help me enforce chore time, homework time, etc., but then suddenly reaches a point where he explodes. This happens perhaps every couple of weeks. The time in between, he half-heartedly is a parent, but that's not enough. At one point, about 10 years ago he said to me, "you're the one who wanted the kids, not me." I was shocked at this. But now I see the relevance.</p><p></p><p>It sickens me that his influence (or lack thereof) is possibly a big cause for the problems in our family. My eldest had her share of problems between ages 17-21 and is finally coming around at age 22. The second is a great student and has goals, but she is a mean person and is hard to even talk to. Then the third is the 17 year old. My youngest seems the best of the bunch, he is 13, but I worry that the worst is yet to come. I try my best to keep talking to him and encouraging him to do his best and praising his goodness. But he has his father and we know that role models are very powerful influences.</p><p></p><p>I tried to apply for ssdi, but was turned down for a very simple reason - you have to have a certain amount of work credits in the most recent five years of applying. Since my last full time job was in 1986 (I stayed home with my kids), I don't have enough credits. </p><p></p><p>If my daughter was the youngest, I suppose I would try to find somewhere to live. I have pets (2 dogs and a cat) which keep me sane and provide comfort and I don't know what I would do about that. To give them up would cause me a lot of stress and sadness. </p><p></p><p>I hate my situation, but at least husband is at work 6 days a week and I don't have to deal with him. And he is, like I said, basically mentally absent most of the time. Now I see that this has had a detrimental effect on my kids, but I think its too late to think about that now that they are almost grown. The thought makes me so sad though. My hope is that maybe they will come around - sometimes the teen years are rough, but I've heard many stories about how even the worst teens eventually grew up and became normal.</p><p></p><p>I think my biggest project is to keep on, try to keep myself going, take care of my heart, and get through these years. I don't care if I have no relationship with my husband. When we were on vacation a couple of weeks ago (took the 13yo, 17yo and 21yo to Disney), my husband and I were joking around with each other, kind of teasing, and he blurted out, "I never loved you." My world stopped spinning. He right away started back-pedaling, saying he was joking. But you don't say something like that in a joke. I really believe it to be true now.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps the best thing is for me to seek counseling to help me cope. Do you know how I can find a good counselor? </p><p></p><p>I feel like I have a big weight to bear, feeling like my children were not raised properly and now are ruined. I dedicated most of my life to raising my kids and feel like I failed big time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="zeke11, post: 268394, member: 7200"] I am so happy to see all the responses. I will try to answer some of the questions that I remember. husband is erratic in his behavior. Most of the time he is a good provider and rather a quiet person. He doesn't drink at all, only quite rarely, and doesn't do any drugs because his work regularly drug tests. But he has had very little involvement with parenting. When the kids were small, he preferred to sit and watch tv or read a book rather than be involved with them in daily life. That is not to say he totally was isolated - we did take family trips, etc., but more or less in the day to day - not a lot of family type involvement (playing games together, etc.). He doesn't drink at all, only quite rarely, and doesn't do any drugs because his work regularly drug tests. So most of the time, he ignores bad behavior, doesn't help me enforce chore time, homework time, etc., but then suddenly reaches a point where he explodes. This happens perhaps every couple of weeks. The time in between, he half-heartedly is a parent, but that's not enough. At one point, about 10 years ago he said to me, "you're the one who wanted the kids, not me." I was shocked at this. But now I see the relevance. It sickens me that his influence (or lack thereof) is possibly a big cause for the problems in our family. My eldest had her share of problems between ages 17-21 and is finally coming around at age 22. The second is a great student and has goals, but she is a mean person and is hard to even talk to. Then the third is the 17 year old. My youngest seems the best of the bunch, he is 13, but I worry that the worst is yet to come. I try my best to keep talking to him and encouraging him to do his best and praising his goodness. But he has his father and we know that role models are very powerful influences. I tried to apply for ssdi, but was turned down for a very simple reason - you have to have a certain amount of work credits in the most recent five years of applying. Since my last full time job was in 1986 (I stayed home with my kids), I don't have enough credits. If my daughter was the youngest, I suppose I would try to find somewhere to live. I have pets (2 dogs and a cat) which keep me sane and provide comfort and I don't know what I would do about that. To give them up would cause me a lot of stress and sadness. I hate my situation, but at least husband is at work 6 days a week and I don't have to deal with him. And he is, like I said, basically mentally absent most of the time. Now I see that this has had a detrimental effect on my kids, but I think its too late to think about that now that they are almost grown. The thought makes me so sad though. My hope is that maybe they will come around - sometimes the teen years are rough, but I've heard many stories about how even the worst teens eventually grew up and became normal. I think my biggest project is to keep on, try to keep myself going, take care of my heart, and get through these years. I don't care if I have no relationship with my husband. When we were on vacation a couple of weeks ago (took the 13yo, 17yo and 21yo to Disney), my husband and I were joking around with each other, kind of teasing, and he blurted out, "I never loved you." My world stopped spinning. He right away started back-pedaling, saying he was joking. But you don't say something like that in a joke. I really believe it to be true now. Perhaps the best thing is for me to seek counseling to help me cope. Do you know how I can find a good counselor? I feel like I have a big weight to bear, feeling like my children were not raised properly and now are ruined. I dedicated most of my life to raising my kids and feel like I failed big time. [/QUOTE]
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