I don't think I can hold on.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by specialk030, Apr 3, 2007.

  1. specialk030

    specialk030 New Member

    Well I must admit I really hoped I wouldn't have to come back here. AS much as I loved you all, I was happy to finally be able to move forward as life seemed to finally be getting better. WRONG. Let me first off say I'm sorry for such a long post, but I need to get this off my chest.
    difficult child#1 is 14, he's the reason I found this site. Since he was a baby he's been a handful, but as he got older (3+) his behavior became more and more challenging. He was constantly kicked out of preschool for bullying and hitting, this tradition has continued even to now. He has never ever actually completed a full year of school. He's been in 2 group homes both for 6 weeks each, and presented the same problems there as he does at home. (refuses to accept rules, tries to negotiate his way out of everything) He's also ranaway several times, at one point he was so out of control the phyciatrist (spelling) actually gave us this drug that we were to add to his drink that would literally put him to sleep for 15 minutes. Long enough to get him to the hospital. He's been on Ritlan, Respiradone, Dexadrin, and a few others (cant remember them all) but nothing... I mean nothing has helped him, not even in the short term. Last year he brought a knife to school and chased a kid down in the parking lot, thank god noone was hurt! He was charged and is still waiting to go to trial for that, in the mean time his behavior has escallated even further, only 2 months after the knife incedent he sexually touched his sister (however the police decided not to press charged because they beleaved he was genuinly sorry) A few months after that he tossed a rock threw a window at his school because he was upset that this girl in his class wanted nothing to do with him. (the school said it isn't thier policy to get the police involved) even though he was on an undertaking forbidding him to carry a weapon. hmmm, last time I checked a rock tossed as someone would be considered a weapon. 3 weeks ago he tried to cut his wrists, I brought him to childrens hospital and "he" talked to the docs and begged them to help him, he told them he had tried to hang himself, he also showed them his cuts on his wrists.. however they turned him away and told him there was plenty of services in the community and they were not willing to admit him. 1 week later he ranaway from home and was found at midnight by the police after slashing his wrists and bleeding badly. They arrested him on breech of his undertaking (he still had the knife on his that he used to cut himself, and he was out past his cerfew) after 2 days in remand he went infront a judge and explained how he was scared of what he would do if he was released, the judge offered to get him assesed if he agreed to stay in custody and he willingly accepted staying in jail for another week so he could have a proper assesment done. well a week later it turned out that someone forgot to tell the physciatrist that he was in for an assesment!! so when he went to see the judge again she said he was not willing to keep him in any longer and released him back to me on a recog order. He wasn't home even an hour when already he was back to his old tricks, pushing the limits, yelling at his sibs, back talking to me. Last night he did the unthinkable... he pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill me. So once again he is back in jail awaiting his time infront of the judge.
    My eyes hurt from crying, my ear hurts from talking to every doctor, jail guard, social worker, police officer, lawyer, that will hear me beg for some help. Sadly every single person has said that on thursday when he goes back to court he will be released back to my custody. I even talked to the crown about possibly sending him to a work camp, but she assured me rather quickly that threatening me with a knife was not a serious enough offence. I've told social services that he can't come back here, I have other children in the home that quite frankly are worried about thier saftey and non of us are capable of providing him with the help he needs. The social worker just keeps agreeing with me that it isn't safe for him to return him, yet in the next breath she says they simply dont have a place for him. I honestly don't know what to do, where to turn, or how on earth our family will ever servive.
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hi there. I can relate. when my son was 13 I fought the system to make him be held accountable for 3 yrs. even after that happened, and he was sent to a boys reform school...he still managed to be jailed for over two yrs for Driving while drunk.

    can you refuse to take him back?
     
  3. livinginazoo

    livinginazoo New Member

    I'm sorry for everything that you have been through with your difficult child, I wish I could help but I have nothing buy my sympathy and my prayers for you and your family.
    Hugs
    Persephone
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can't relate to that extent of harming self/property, but I do know bipolar. I have it. Why has your son been on stimulants???? That is pretty much NOT good for bipolar, even if he has co-morbid ADHD. Sometimes you have to treat the BiPolar (BP) and forget the ADHD. Doesn't sound like stims help him. He WAS on one anti-psychotic, but not a mood stabilizer (Lithium, Lamictal, Depakote, Trileptal, Tegreatal). There are MANY good medications he hasn't tried yet, and they can make all the difference That's really the ticket for most who have a serious mood disorder, child or adult. Stims and antidepressants tend to make bipolar kids even more violent, which is the last thing they need. Why is he being treated for ADHD when that clearly isn't the main problem? I guess I'm sort of mad at your professionals who are supposed to be helping your son? Sounds like somebody (NOT YOU) dropped the ball with him. Is there any way to re-evaluate him with some other Psychiatrist? Any way he'll agree to take bipolar medications? I think he needs a new doctor. He is probably unstable and, in my opinion, punishment won't change him in the state of mind he's in now. Policemen and law officials, for the most part, don't understand mental illness. If you can stabilize him, then he can control himself better and get help, but at his age he has to agree to take medications and not self-medicate. Threatening you with a knife, in my opinion, indicates he is pretty sick and desperately needs help. I can't see a work camp or anything like that really helping him when he has a physical psychiatric problem. Hugs to you and I hope things turn around.
     
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hugs to you. As ant'smom suggested, check into refusing to take him back. I know when my difficult child was recently in the hospital, the clinician mentioned that she was trying to find placements for a couple of boys. When she called their families to say that they were ready to be be released from the hospital, the families refused to take them back.

    Threatening you with a knife isn't serious? What do they consider serious enough? If he does something to you or your other children, are the ones sending him back to you willing to be held accountable for his actions?

    Hope it all works out in your favor.
     
  6. oceans

    oceans New Member

    If he is bipolar, the right medications could make a HUGE difference in his behavior. Is there a psychiatrist managing his medications right now? Get him in to a good psychiatrist. He needs a mood stabilizer. I do not think life will get much better for him or for your family unless his bipolar is treated with the correct medication. So sorry you are going through all of this! I hope you have a way to relax and take care of yourself.
     
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really think you should refuse to accept your son be released back to your custody. I would also be sure to let CPS know that you will be making it very clear in writing that your son should not go into a foster home where the adults are not fully aware of the danger your son can and has threatened to cause. I would also be sure to make it clear that he should not be placed in a foster home where there are other children.
    Then I would make it clear that you will be sure to hold CPS, judge, attorney, and anyone else involved in this case completely responsible if harm should come to another human being at your son's hands.

    It may sound extreme, but I would have this written out and read right from it at court. Your son should be in a residential treatment center where he can be monitored all day every day. He needs the correct medications which means he probably needs to be re-evaluated. He probably will have to trial several medications before finding the correct combination of medications.

    Seriously, write out every psychiatrist, every medication, every behavior modification tried. Say right in the speech that your son needs help that can not be provided in a household setting.

    Your son is begging for help. He does not want to hurt you and is fearful that he may. It is your job to make sure he does not hurt you or his siblings. He would not be able to live with harming you or siblings. It is the best thing for him, to refuse to accept him into your custody. He said so himself.

    HUGS!!
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry for what you're going through. What a mess.
    There are some wise, experienced moms here. They've been through a lot and have got some good ideas.
    I can only send hugs and support. Good luck.
     
  9. specialk030

    specialk030 New Member

    Wow thank you all so much for your support. Busywend.. you made me cry lol.. ah it's okay doesn't take much anymore to make tears appear outta nowhere. While reading your comments, I was overwhelmed by how much you understood. Especially when you said about him not wanting to hurt us, that is sooooo true. In every way imaginable difficult child#1 is my bestest friend in the entire world, perhaps thats what hurts the most.

    He has not been on any medications for almost 1 year now, as we haven't been able to get him properly assessed. For the most part I blame myself, over the past 3 years I have slowly burned out my house is falling apart.. no.. actually let me correct myself.. it's fallen apart, I suffer from major depression myself and this Christmas I actually thought about suicide. I am on medication for it, but I find especially in the winter here when one day its beautiful warm and sunny, and the next day we are covered in snow and it's -15 my moods are shifting so drastically I dont know from one day to the next what mood I'll be in. Needless to say my home lacks any form of structure, something I know is desperatly needed by all the kids especially the difficult child's. I know this sounds like a cop out, but no matter how hard I try to get things in order I give up... I get overwhelmed and just put everything off.

    As if all this wasn't enough, my other difficult child (the 8 yr old) is being admitted into children's hospital for 6 weeks on April 10th. She is actually getting the help that difficult child was not exposed to, and she will be getting the proper assesments. So between running from one appointment at childrens hospital for her, then racing to court for the other, along with dealing with the constant phone calls from lawyers, docs, social workers, specialists, etc I find I'm just white knuckling it so-to-speak.
     
  10. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Don't blame yourself. it only slows you down. The system is supposed to be there to step in and assess when parents are burning out, they aren't supposed to leave everything to parents when it's clear people aren't coping. When he was in jail and nothing was done, the judge should have put a rocket up whoever didn't call the shrink in.

    I want to stress to people - you are NOT in the US, you are in Canada. The laws and health system are different. So, before you refuse to have him back, in front of a judge, do some homework and find out what will happen to him and you if you do refuse. To find out - can you do what I would do, and contact your local parliamentarian? Some local p o litician (have to misspell because the site censor doesn't like that word for some weird reason). You need answers, fast.

    Your son needs an assessment, urgently. And I'm not sure how you can arrange that. Why isn't the SW organising it? Or is such a task outside her professional scope? It sounds to me that you are in a Catch 22 situation, you are telling people this, they are agreeing with you, then immediately telling you to do x, y or z when you've just explained why it's impossible. When this begins to happen, it's a signal that it's time to go over people's heads. And keep going higher until you get a response. Whoever you DO end up going to, don't go there if you haven't the courage to stick it out and say what has to be said, even if it's to the media. Sometimes you go high enough and it snowballs, you find yourself talking about the problem to very important people and it's vital that you don't get stage fright.

    I'm not trying to scare you, I only want you to test your own resolve before you take that step. And in the absence of any common sense alternative, I think you may need to consider taking that step.

    For now - ask the SW if there's any way she can organise a fast assessment for your son. If she says she can't, ask her who she can refer you to, who can. You may get fobbed off a few times but keep asking that question: "If you can't help me, then please give me the name of the person who can."
    Keep a written record of all this; who gives you what name (I log the phone numbers there, too) and what the result was. Date each entry. Because eventually, if you keep doing this, you will get to someone who CAN help, and who will be VERY curious about those who said they could not. They will want a list of names, dates and places.
    That list also comes in handy if a judge ever says you didn't try hard enough.

    As for whether this is bipolar, I can't help you there. But if there is a chance that this is treatable with medications, the sooner he gets assessed the better for everyone, including him.

    Is there a bipolar support network in Canada that you could approach for practical advice about your situation? They will be more familiar with your legal and health system and how you can get around the barriers you now have.

    Good luck!

    Marg
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for all you and your difficult child are going through. I don't have any new advice to offer from what's already been given just wanted to send some cyber hugs and some prayers your way. :angel:
     
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