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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 219754" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Sorry to be joining this late, Heather. {{{hugs}}}. Verbal abuse is as bad, in a lot of ways, as physical abuse. It will destroy your peace of mind and your life. I found that trying to ignore rudeness and disrespect with my difficult child just led to escalated abuse. I found it completely unhelpful to allow potty mouth or nastiness to go unpunished. I know some authors say to ignore it, but I think it creates an assumption on the difficult child's part that it's ok to talk to others like that, and it perpetuates their mindset of grievance, aggression, and hostility.</p><p></p><p>To stop the nastiness I had to find something that really affected difficult child if I took it away. I also refused to continue a conversation if it turned nasty. husband and I have had sessions with difficult child where we've said, 'One more word and your laptop (WoW) is gone for a day.' And he kept going and we said, 'Two days.' Then it was 'a week'; 'two weeks'; every time he opened his mouth to continue arguing, even one word, we just upped the ante. He shut up fast. It's taken a couple of times with us being consistent but he learns really fast when it's something he cares about. If he says we never told him to do something we just say, 'We told you. You heard it. This is the consequence of not doing it.' If he lies we say, 'I don't believe you. I don't have to give you proof. Here are the consequences.' When we stopped being generous, always giving him the benefit of the doubt, and when we refused rude conversations and took action instead, he became much easier to deal with. He doesn't like having lost control, but it's out of his hands now. I never ask him if he did something, now; if I think he did it, I tell him he did it and ask when. He admits things if I'm confident; if I show any hesitation or doubt of myself he takes control. So I'm done with doubting.</p><p></p><p>When he was 13 we stripped his room and did that whole thing. It also made an impact. He threatened to call 911, to run away, etc., but he never did. I realize some kids would, but then they would encounter the next level of consequences.</p><p></p><p>It really sounds like you need to regroup and regain your peace of mind. You have a right to your own life. Is there any possibility of respite care, or of residential placement for a time? It would do your difficult child a world of good to see what her alternatives are. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry things are so bad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 219754, member: 2884"] Sorry to be joining this late, Heather. {{{hugs}}}. Verbal abuse is as bad, in a lot of ways, as physical abuse. It will destroy your peace of mind and your life. I found that trying to ignore rudeness and disrespect with my difficult child just led to escalated abuse. I found it completely unhelpful to allow potty mouth or nastiness to go unpunished. I know some authors say to ignore it, but I think it creates an assumption on the difficult child's part that it's ok to talk to others like that, and it perpetuates their mindset of grievance, aggression, and hostility. To stop the nastiness I had to find something that really affected difficult child if I took it away. I also refused to continue a conversation if it turned nasty. husband and I have had sessions with difficult child where we've said, 'One more word and your laptop (WoW) is gone for a day.' And he kept going and we said, 'Two days.' Then it was 'a week'; 'two weeks'; every time he opened his mouth to continue arguing, even one word, we just upped the ante. He shut up fast. It's taken a couple of times with us being consistent but he learns really fast when it's something he cares about. If he says we never told him to do something we just say, 'We told you. You heard it. This is the consequence of not doing it.' If he lies we say, 'I don't believe you. I don't have to give you proof. Here are the consequences.' When we stopped being generous, always giving him the benefit of the doubt, and when we refused rude conversations and took action instead, he became much easier to deal with. He doesn't like having lost control, but it's out of his hands now. I never ask him if he did something, now; if I think he did it, I tell him he did it and ask when. He admits things if I'm confident; if I show any hesitation or doubt of myself he takes control. So I'm done with doubting. When he was 13 we stripped his room and did that whole thing. It also made an impact. He threatened to call 911, to run away, etc., but he never did. I realize some kids would, but then they would encounter the next level of consequences. It really sounds like you need to regroup and regain your peace of mind. You have a right to your own life. Is there any possibility of respite care, or of residential placement for a time? It would do your difficult child a world of good to see what her alternatives are. I'm sorry things are so bad. [/QUOTE]
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