I don't want to do this anymore

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Dec 5, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    That's all that runs through my head. All day long.

    I suppose I should be thankful that my daughter is not violent. She's not out running the streets, she's not doing drugs, she's not sexually active.

    But everything revolves around her. She wants to 'work on things', but for her that means expecting everyone else to change to accommodate her. She argues absolutely everything. She flat out refuses to do what she's supposed to do then gets upset and expects someone to fix it for her. I live in a battle zone with her every day and the rules change daily. And I'm tired.

    I'm tried of advocating for a child that refuses to help herself. I'm tired of trying to find resources and services just so she will refuse to participate and become angry and hostile. We've been at this for years and beyond the age of 7 she has not actively participated in any therapy, medication, interventions, nothing.

    And I just don't want to do it anymore.

    She's so negative and so hateful and pure venom comes out of her mouth. Why would I want to help someone who is verbally beating me up almost daily.

    Yes, she has anxiety and yes, she has depression although it tends to be situational. But, if she refuses to help herself then it is no excuse for her behavior. I'm sick of blaming it on these disorders like it's some kind of excuse. We live in the real world and in the real world you have to learn to function in society and overcome your challenges. The world is not going to do it for you. You can't treat people like dirt over and over and then expect them to be forgiving every time.

    I'm ready to let her fail at school. When that happens she will be forced to return to regular school. But, that's not going to change anything. It's just going to shift the focus of the battle. It will be an epic battle every morning and an epic battle every evening. So, no matter what it's still a war.

    I don't even want to look at her anymore. Today it was a huge fight because I didn't tell her until an hour before the appointment, that I had a vet appointment for the cat. It didn't matter. She wasn't going. It didn't involve her in any way. But, I didn't tell her and she's screaming at me. Who does she think she is?
     
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is time to just STOP. You can't make her happy. That is not your job. If she chooses to be miserable, let her be. If she fails to do her school work, then she has to suffer the consequences. If she yells at you, you don't respond at all, you walk away. Go to your room, turn the volume up or put on some headphones with soothing music and escape her tirades. My difficult child used to use his issues as a crutch, and for years I fell for the manipulation. When I stopped, he stopped.
     
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    heather

    hi, oh i'm sorry she's giving you such a hard time, it can be so very very trying when they mouth off that way and meanwhile back at the ranch everything you do is for them!!! It makes you just want to scream, really loudly!!!!!!!!!!! I've been there.

    I agree, our kids dont' get a "get out of jail card" due to their struggles, mental illness, etc. they have to in time do their best to adapt to the real world. I totally hear you. As they grow older, and mine is still young yet they have to take some level of responsiblity.

    So, let me ask you this what would happen if you did let her fail? just totally sink downward academically, as you said back to regular school?? would that upset her at all do you think??

    yes you didn't have to inform her why your taking the cat to the vet, unless she wants to take it....

    ((((hugs)))))
     
  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Hang in there. I'm just beginning this journey and wondering if I'm really up to it or not. I'm tired and really haven't even begun. Someone told me that my child is lucky to have me for a mom because I want to help him. Your daughter is obviously lucky to have you for a mom. We can't give up on them. Without us, who do they have to help them?
     
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} I wish I had some meaningful advice.
     
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    ((((((((((WG))))))))))))) You've been through enough. Did you get some respite this week at all?

    I'm just so sorry that you've had to go through this journey. I hope that knowing you aren't alone helps just a little.

    Thinking of you, ML
     
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I have stopped. She will follow me. She will beat on my door. She will scream. I'm not fighting with her about school anymore. Of course, that will turn into a home visit to make sure that *I* am a suitable mother and she lives in a suitable home environment.

    And I'm the reason she's miserable. She tells me almost every day. She can't be happy, she says, as long as she's living here.
     
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Did you ask her where is it you'd like to live that you think it will be oh so much better for you than with me your mother?? My daug tells me that all the time. I"m like good luck finding someone with whom will do what I do. Want me to get the yellow pages out???
     
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I told her once in the heat of an argument about how horrible I am that maybe, then, she should go find another mother. Though, I told her, I doubt she would find one that would put up with even half of her carp.

    I seriously don't want to do this anymore. I was online today on the Family Services website and I couldn't find any services other than foster care for abused and/or neglected kids.

    So, then I decided that the next time she goes into battle/rage mode that I'm just going to call for transport to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation and pray that it will somehow get us some services. I need in-home services. I need respite. I need something.

    Talked to MR/daughter. She doesn't have a developmental disability diagnosis, so that's strike 1, and while she has impairment in 3 of their areas that one would have to have impairment in to qualify for services, they aren't significant enough.
     
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    So, you can't qualify for services and she's driving you absolutely insane with the verbal attacks on an ongoing basis?

    Now, i nkow this may be a totallly ridiculous question at this point, yet when she does this to you the verbal attacks, etc. banging on the door, entering your space that way, what consequence follows at that point for her? I know being the mom of an almost 16 year old at that age it's all about whatever "things' they have and taking them away.
     
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I've taken away her computer, her tv, her DS, etc. It hasn't changed anything for any meaningful period of time.
     
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Heather, it sounds like you need, and deserve, similar services to what I'm looking for, even though our difficult child's aren't doing the exact same things. We both need some help and some reinforcement with these kids. The names of the services apparently vary from state to state but if this state has one, I'm sure yours does. It's just a matter of finding it. Someone sent me a website address for a parent advocacy group- the "help"agency was listed on that website- I've been researching this by following web links all day.


    Anyway, maybe do a search for parent advocacy in your state and see if you can find a link. Ours is called Community Services Act (the actual law) and Family Assessment and Planning Team (the people who meet to plan and implement services of various types- depending on what the family needs ) and Community Services Board (the mental health people you have to go thru- unless school, courts, or social services are already involved). I'm throwing these terms out in case you see something similar for your state online and you can pursue it.

    I agree- you do need and deserve some help and your daughter has to start looking in other directions to find a few answers on her own.
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Heather,

    At this point & with your level of frustration, I'd say it's time to look for an outside placement. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Group home?

    It's no longer about your difficult child, it's about your reaction to difficult child. You haven't the energy or strength or help. difficult child is running the show ~ at a group home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that wouldn't be the case.

    Just a suggestion given in kindness.
     
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i know it's so hard with teenagers, diagnosis or no diagnosis it's just plain hard. They battle almost everything and we are the cause of all their unhappiness ive come to learn raising my own hormonally challenged at times teenager.

    we used to go thru the vicious cycle as well, she'd be ridiculously nasty name call, etc. i'd take something away to punish, give it back and it would start again.

    until one day i said to myself ok wow this is soo not good. I'm not going to make it until she's out someday emotionally i was taking such a hit, very different than with difficult child because she could use her own level of control bigtime, she just chose not to.

    so, a few years ago i had had enough of the slamming doors, etc. coming and attacking me verbally. I stripped her room down, i took the door off the hinges, i took everythinig out of her room except her bed at that point. I made a contract up with her, she ofcourse laughed at it and thought it was a joke, i said i dont' care i'm not going to live like this anymore i'm a human being and deserve some level of respect for fact i'm your mother. she had to earn everything back, and wow was it slowly as well as friends and phone usage at home i totally cut her off. welll, long story short it worked. i was so relieved. a friend had turned me towards the tough love approach i used some of what they suggested.

    since we've had our issues it is so not without conflict, she still kicks up on occassion, was suspended actually last mos for mouthing off to a teacher, yet now we communicate and it's not easy its so hard some days i too have to practice listening to her instead of reacting to her all the time.

    have you ever read those books??? just another endless thought of mine lol

    oh another thought and this is if you arent' qualified as you said to get any type of services is there are places, almost placements that are often even out of state, alot are expensive yet some are funded and some are even off what the parents income is. they tend to be geared towards difficult teenagers with and without diagnosis's. some are wilderness programs, etc. gets them out of the house in a controlled and supervised environment, gives you a reprive and from what i've read sometimes it actually works.
     
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    klmno, your post about services reminded me of something. My local state rep is, first of all, considered an autism expert (not that that really applies here). But, he's also the one that really pushed - for years - to get mental health parity in Ohio. He also sits on the Education Committee. I've contacted his office in the past when the school district was giving me grief over an IEP. I'll contact his office on Monday and see what they know of that can be available for help. He should be a great resource. I hope.

    Linda - I think you're right. While she's not spiralling down in the way she was 2 years ago when I was seeking out day treatment, she's running the show and nothing we're doing at home is working.

    When I left for the vet, I asked Wynter if she would empty the dishwasher while I was gone and she said she would. Later this evening, I went to reload it and it hadn't been emptied. I reminded her that I had asked her to empty it and she argued - loudly - that I did not ask her. When I insisted that I did, she goes on about how I never believe her. Of course. I'm the one that is hallucinating about asking her to do it. It's not that maybe she forgot or just didn't want to do it. I mean...how do you argue that someone didn't say what they said and keep a straight face?

    JLady - I see you're in Buford, GA. I lived in Marietta for a while in my mid-teens til about 21. My son was born in GA. I'm not giving up on her. I may not want to even look at her right now, but she is very intelligent, highly creative and quite capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. It's just that I can't do this anymore with what we've got. You're new and so you wouldn't know that I have a chronic illness that has escaped diagnosis for a while now and has become disabling. Something has to change. Either I need more services or she needs to go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or day treatment or something.

    Thank you for the support ladies. I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

    And anymore ideas...keep them coming. A shoulder even. I appreciate it.
     
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Linda kind of hit it on the head. Also, are you seeing someone for yourself? If you can't send her elsewhere, you at least need to find a way to shift some of your focus off of her. You need to start feeling good about yourself again, and strong for yourself. She's sucking the life out of you!
     
  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Witz - I was seeing someone. She was very nice, but all she seemed to want to focus on was my physical health and getting answers and that's all I didn't want to focus on. I have doctors for that.

    The last time I saw her was when this flare was kicking up and I told her flat out - while she's really trying to get me to go to this holistic doctor (which I'm not against, just not wanted I was there to talk about) - that I didn't want to talk about that. That I live and breathe it every day and I didn't want to focus on it for that hour.

    Anyway, I didn't go back and I've been in the flare since. Though, the toradol did it's job and has eased the flare so I should probably try to find someone again. I just really hate going and I usually leave feeling more agitated than when I got there. If I could find someone to go to where I didn't leave feeling that way, I'd be more than willing to do it again.
     
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, we dealt with the "you never told me" in triplicate. A lot of the problem was, if they were busy concentrating on something else they would answer mechanically, "yeah, sure..." but never really would it sink in. So we began leaving Post-It notes. Now there's no excuse. we have a permanent one on the side of the microwave oven which says "empty dishwasher" and when it's stuck there and the dishwasher is not running, then we all have to pitch in to empty it. Mostly we want difficult child 3 to empty it, but sometimes we'll do it together or I will do it (especially if he is legitimately busy on something I don't want to interrupt).

    For a while the house was papered in yellow post-it notes - "have your bath", "feed the hens", "water the garden".

    It's not a cure, it's not the answer, it's just a slightly simpler way to get through, for a while, in this area.

    Marg
     
  19. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I have a big shoulder, go ahead and have a good cry. It isn't a way to live. Being a single Mom, you give and give with no one to help fill you back up emotionally (well, except us) You can consider putting her back in public school, even if just for the rest of this year, it might cause her to lose a little education but it could also give her more to focus on and you a much needed break.

    Otherwise, what about volunteer work(the library might be a good fit) to get her out of the house and/or after school programs. If money is tight, they will often times offer scholorships. I don't know if the benefit would be worth the effort required from you to get her there, sigh
     
  20. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Heather - I really wish I had words of wisdom for you. I am just at such low-ebb these days, I'm plum out of ideas. Around here, it's 3+ months and counting until he's 18, so I'm just doing that last sprint to the "finish line" (not like there's really going to be a finish line, but it's a good thought anyway ;) ).

    It sounds like Wynter has a serious case of anywhere-but-here-itis. All her problems are external and if the setting changed, life would be better for her. It's a fallacy - her problems will follow her but of course getting any kid to see that is darn near impossible.

    I just don't know. What we tried to do with thank you didn't work (or hasn't yet, anyway). But I don't know what else to do other than keep presenting options for treatment, choices for him to make, and keep slogging away. I think letting some natural consequences hit makes sense at age 13, especially in terms of school.

    I don't know what to suggest about the constant verbal barrage. thank you's been out of the home so long, I've gotten used to just ending telephone conversations when he starts his junk.

    Respite would be ideal for you, but I understand that it's tough to come by for some folks.

    Just a funny that I remembered while reading your post. During one of thank you's short stints living at home (at age 12), we had weekly in-home therapy. During one of the sessions, thank you advised case mgr that he wanted to be put up for adoption because then his life would be perfect. :rofl: CM, bless her heart, just looked at him with her jaw dropped - then ran over the litany of hospitalizations, school placements, treatment placements, and problematic behaviors, and then asked him who on earth besides his parents did he think would not only put up with all that but also continue to advocate for him. It was a priceless moment, probably the first time anyone besides us really hit him with a hard dose of reality.

    We just keep plugging away. Despite all the blame our kids heap on us, their nastiness, their mouths (duct tape was always a fantasy of mine), their ingratitude, and their flat out defiance... we do what we're supposed to do - advocate, seek out treatment and education, and keep trying to push them to be the people they can be.
     
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