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Parent Emeritus
I give up. It hurts too much to hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 661883" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Copa, I so understand your intense fear and despair for your son. Watching someone self-destruct is simply terrible. There is no other way to put it. </p><p></p><p>I also very much understand because my son did many incredibly stupid things and he is still very careless with his own health and well-being.</p><p></p><p>I don't understand that, but I don't think they value and love themselves like people must in order to have full, happy lives. </p><p></p><p>They live with the tyranny of invincibility and we, from our vantage points, know how easily life can be gone, and it terrifies us. How can we live in a world without them? </p><p></p><p>I write these bald-faced statements, because I know that is what you are thinking because that is what I thought, too, in the dark night of the soul. We love them so much.</p><p></p><p>Copa, as everyone has said, and what you already know, there is not anything you can truly do to "save him." Yes, you can manage his money (not sure if that is a good idea or not...for YOU) but you still can't "be him" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is what it would take to make 100 percent sure he is doing the right things for himself. </p><p></p><p>We aren't them. That took me a long, long time to get. To see ourselves as two separate human beings. I believe we have to get there, in seeing that clearly, before we can more fully separate from them and their actions.</p><p></p><p>Please do the things we have talked about on this forum---read the books, write, get therapy and professional help, walk, sit in the sunshine, buy flowers for the kitchen table, sit in silence, pray---use tools like these every single day for 30 minutes to an hour. It sounds kind of simple, right, flowers for the kitchen table? But this is the stuff of self-care. Being good to us. Self-love. That is what they don't do, and that is what we don't do, because every cell in us is yearning toward them, instead of ourselves.</p><p></p><p>I know you know much of this already, Copa, but it's really hard to see ourselves clearly and do the things we would tell other people to do. </p><p></p><p>We're here with you for the duration. It's not about perfection, for us or for them. It's about progress. Just doing one thing differently today, and then tomorrow and the next day.</p><p></p><p>This needs to be about YOU. You.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 661883, member: 17542"] Oh Copa, I so understand your intense fear and despair for your son. Watching someone self-destruct is simply terrible. There is no other way to put it. I also very much understand because my son did many incredibly stupid things and he is still very careless with his own health and well-being. I don't understand that, but I don't think they value and love themselves like people must in order to have full, happy lives. They live with the tyranny of invincibility and we, from our vantage points, know how easily life can be gone, and it terrifies us. How can we live in a world without them? I write these bald-faced statements, because I know that is what you are thinking because that is what I thought, too, in the dark night of the soul. We love them so much. Copa, as everyone has said, and what you already know, there is not anything you can truly do to "save him." Yes, you can manage his money (not sure if that is a good idea or not...for YOU) but you still can't "be him" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is what it would take to make 100 percent sure he is doing the right things for himself. We aren't them. That took me a long, long time to get. To see ourselves as two separate human beings. I believe we have to get there, in seeing that clearly, before we can more fully separate from them and their actions. Please do the things we have talked about on this forum---read the books, write, get therapy and professional help, walk, sit in the sunshine, buy flowers for the kitchen table, sit in silence, pray---use tools like these every single day for 30 minutes to an hour. It sounds kind of simple, right, flowers for the kitchen table? But this is the stuff of self-care. Being good to us. Self-love. That is what they don't do, and that is what we don't do, because every cell in us is yearning toward them, instead of ourselves. I know you know much of this already, Copa, but it's really hard to see ourselves clearly and do the things we would tell other people to do. We're here with you for the duration. It's not about perfection, for us or for them. It's about progress. Just doing one thing differently today, and then tomorrow and the next day. This needs to be about YOU. You. [/QUOTE]
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