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Parent Emeritus
I give up. It hurts too much to hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 662113" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I think this is a very important point that Tanya wrote about. I think we think this and feel it and sometimes say it, very quickly, as if to say it might make it happen, but we don't stay with it enough and "unpack" it very often. If we stay with this idea---how afraid we are that their dangerous lifestyle will end in their premature death---and allow ourselves to sit with it, look at it, accept that yes, it can happen (and of course it can happen to anyone at anytime, as we know but don't often recognize)...then some of the power is gone. Some of the absolute dread diminishes. </p><p></p><p>I did that. </p><p></p><p>I remember the huge knot in my stomach and my throat and my incredible anxiety and sleeplessness and despair and crying uncontrollably and feeling just sick inside and depressed and terrified and an intensity to DO SOMETHING...and at the root of it all was my fear that he would die very soon, and further, that he would be in some ditch somewhere dead or hurt and I wouldn't know it, and he wouldn't be able to get help.</p><p></p><p>I cried to my husband many times, I'm just so afraid he will die. That was a legitimate feeling and it felt intolerable to me.</p><p></p><p>He often said: Most addicts are the most resilient people in the world. They are survivors. Believe me, most of them make it through. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes, I couldn't hear that, when he said it, at all. My son might be the very one who doesn't make it. </p><p></p><p>So assurances don't work very well.</p><p></p><p>What does work, I believe, is accepting that yes, this could happen. And learning to live with it. Living with the uncertainty of life. </p><p></p><p>To me, that became the task. Not just about him, but in all situations. </p><p></p><p>If you allow yourself to do this, when you can, and when it is right for you, and you do the work of acceptance, there is peace on the other side. </p><p></p><p>Thanks, Tanya, for holding the focus on this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 662113, member: 17542"] I think this is a very important point that Tanya wrote about. I think we think this and feel it and sometimes say it, very quickly, as if to say it might make it happen, but we don't stay with it enough and "unpack" it very often. If we stay with this idea---how afraid we are that their dangerous lifestyle will end in their premature death---and allow ourselves to sit with it, look at it, accept that yes, it can happen (and of course it can happen to anyone at anytime, as we know but don't often recognize)...then some of the power is gone. Some of the absolute dread diminishes. I did that. I remember the huge knot in my stomach and my throat and my incredible anxiety and sleeplessness and despair and crying uncontrollably and feeling just sick inside and depressed and terrified and an intensity to DO SOMETHING...and at the root of it all was my fear that he would die very soon, and further, that he would be in some ditch somewhere dead or hurt and I wouldn't know it, and he wouldn't be able to get help. I cried to my husband many times, I'm just so afraid he will die. That was a legitimate feeling and it felt intolerable to me. He often said: Most addicts are the most resilient people in the world. They are survivors. Believe me, most of them make it through. Sometimes, I couldn't hear that, when he said it, at all. My son might be the very one who doesn't make it. So assurances don't work very well. What does work, I believe, is accepting that yes, this could happen. And learning to live with it. Living with the uncertainty of life. To me, that became the task. Not just about him, but in all situations. If you allow yourself to do this, when you can, and when it is right for you, and you do the work of acceptance, there is peace on the other side. Thanks, Tanya, for holding the focus on this. [/QUOTE]
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