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I had a bad day again
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 367623" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Mariah. You mention that you're young as if it is a disadvantage. I don't believe it is. Perhaps it could give you an advantage in that you can till remember your own childhood more clearly; if so, this could help you hone your parental instinct to a fine edge. What maturity can give you that you don't have right now, is the confidence to trust your instincts. And even that is not age-based.</p><p></p><p>My second daughter is at times very immature. She's almost 24 but sometimes an infantile brat. But her instinct for children and their needs is brilliant. I (she too) do think that the "infantile brat" stuff is connected to her being borderline Aspie. </p><p></p><p>Mariah, your boys sound very much like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) needs to be considered. That is the umbrella term that covers autism, Asperger's and similar. Also beware of the "alphabet soup" approach to diagnosis - this is a fragmentation of labels which can be mistaken for a constellation of different diagnoses, when in fact they are all also aspects of one, global diagnosis which can be helped.</p><p></p><p>For example, my difficult child 3 who has a diagnosis of high functioning autism. His labels include hyperlexia (look it up, I think your older son has this); Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) (sensory integration disorder, which also greatly affects what he is prepared to eat); Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD); anxiety (to the point of nausea and vomiting); behaviour problems including raging; extreme self-centredness; ODD (informally applied by a teacher, but he fits the criteria); ADHD; language delay. There's probably more, but I tend to not think about the separate elements, instead I think about difficult child 3 as a whole.</p><p></p><p>So don't think of the Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) as a separate disorder to anything else. It it too easy to fragment a diagnosis into a series of confusing labels.</p><p></p><p>With autism, they generally don't behave or do anything not fond at some stage in 'normal' kids. But they do it at different times and to a different degree. They DO feel emotion, very keenly, but often don't show it in ways we recognise. The old ideas are changing, old beliefs need to go. Autism is not the result of the "cold mother" nor is it "a child locked in another world". They are very much trapped in this world and it can be terrifying for them, because they cannot control it. They tend to use repetition, patterns, things they love, as a way of coping. You can expand this for them as they can handle it. They do not understand the complex social structure and heirarchy of "I am the child, I must respect my parents and teachers because they are adults."</p><p>difficult child 3 values those who give him what he craves - stimulation, education, information, occupation. He resents those who he perceives are limiting his access to these. Discipline for him has to be different - punishment-based is disastrous. Instead, we use positive motivation and direction.</p><p></p><p>For example - a child tapping a pencil repeatedly on the school desk can annoy other kids, but it can also be something the kid can't control well, such as a stimulant. The wrong thing to do - "Stop tapping the pencil!" or "Stop that!" or even "If you tap that pencil again, you will be on detention."</p><p>The right thing to do - "Put the pencil down and come over here to me."</p><p>The second statement is a redirection. It also avoids the "don't" and "no" which these kids can hear so often it desensitises them and loses effect.</p><p></p><p>That is just one simple example, but you can observe and see. We often recommend a great book here, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helped us a great deal because it showed us what we were doing wrong as parents. Not that what we were doing was wrong in absolute terms, only wrong for kids like this. It made my life a lot easier, at the same time as helping us lead difficult child 3 towards a calmer, more productive life. Not perfect, still a long way to go, but what a difference!</p><p>If you want a preview then check out the sticky on Early Childhood forum.</p><p></p><p>Again, welcome, glad we're here for you. Stick round and let us know how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 367623, member: 1991"] Welcome, Mariah. You mention that you're young as if it is a disadvantage. I don't believe it is. Perhaps it could give you an advantage in that you can till remember your own childhood more clearly; if so, this could help you hone your parental instinct to a fine edge. What maturity can give you that you don't have right now, is the confidence to trust your instincts. And even that is not age-based. My second daughter is at times very immature. She's almost 24 but sometimes an infantile brat. But her instinct for children and their needs is brilliant. I (she too) do think that the "infantile brat" stuff is connected to her being borderline Aspie. Mariah, your boys sound very much like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) needs to be considered. That is the umbrella term that covers autism, Asperger's and similar. Also beware of the "alphabet soup" approach to diagnosis - this is a fragmentation of labels which can be mistaken for a constellation of different diagnoses, when in fact they are all also aspects of one, global diagnosis which can be helped. For example, my difficult child 3 who has a diagnosis of high functioning autism. His labels include hyperlexia (look it up, I think your older son has this); Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) (sensory integration disorder, which also greatly affects what he is prepared to eat); Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD); anxiety (to the point of nausea and vomiting); behaviour problems including raging; extreme self-centredness; ODD (informally applied by a teacher, but he fits the criteria); ADHD; language delay. There's probably more, but I tend to not think about the separate elements, instead I think about difficult child 3 as a whole. So don't think of the Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) as a separate disorder to anything else. It it too easy to fragment a diagnosis into a series of confusing labels. With autism, they generally don't behave or do anything not fond at some stage in 'normal' kids. But they do it at different times and to a different degree. They DO feel emotion, very keenly, but often don't show it in ways we recognise. The old ideas are changing, old beliefs need to go. Autism is not the result of the "cold mother" nor is it "a child locked in another world". They are very much trapped in this world and it can be terrifying for them, because they cannot control it. They tend to use repetition, patterns, things they love, as a way of coping. You can expand this for them as they can handle it. They do not understand the complex social structure and heirarchy of "I am the child, I must respect my parents and teachers because they are adults." difficult child 3 values those who give him what he craves - stimulation, education, information, occupation. He resents those who he perceives are limiting his access to these. Discipline for him has to be different - punishment-based is disastrous. Instead, we use positive motivation and direction. For example - a child tapping a pencil repeatedly on the school desk can annoy other kids, but it can also be something the kid can't control well, such as a stimulant. The wrong thing to do - "Stop tapping the pencil!" or "Stop that!" or even "If you tap that pencil again, you will be on detention." The right thing to do - "Put the pencil down and come over here to me." The second statement is a redirection. It also avoids the "don't" and "no" which these kids can hear so often it desensitises them and loses effect. That is just one simple example, but you can observe and see. We often recommend a great book here, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helped us a great deal because it showed us what we were doing wrong as parents. Not that what we were doing was wrong in absolute terms, only wrong for kids like this. It made my life a lot easier, at the same time as helping us lead difficult child 3 towards a calmer, more productive life. Not perfect, still a long way to go, but what a difference! If you want a preview then check out the sticky on Early Childhood forum. Again, welcome, glad we're here for you. Stick round and let us know how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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