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I hate how I feel. Hate it.
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<blockquote data-quote="Methuselah" data-source="post: 488283" data-attributes="member: 12725"><p>Thanks all for your replies. </p><p></p><p>Insane: I know this isn't my fault. I don't feel guilty at all. I know it is her and not me. I struggle with the hate I feel. I feel guilty about that, I guess. I don't like her as a person. I think her treatment of others, especially me, is despicable. I just hate being this angry all the time. </p><p></p><p>Ma Kettle: thanks. I know there are others here who understand how I am feeling. I also know there are some who have figured out a way to get through it. I hope to one day be one of them. Right now? Not so much. I'm a mess. </p><p></p><p>Buddy: it is hard for me to disassociate from her behavior, because her behavior IS her. She does the things she does not because she is bipolar, or has ADHD, or has brain damage. If those things were removed from most difficult children, they would be a easy child. She doesn't have anything to remove, because it is who she is. It is her character, her personality. </p><p></p><p>Liahona: I would love to have her out of our house. Actually, I would like her out my life. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> I probably should see someone. I feel right now I would be payng someone to hear me whine. I know what the problem is. She is just too broken to fix. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p><p></p><p>TimerLady: If I felt this way for a minute or a day here and there, I wouldn't whine. She is this way 24/365 since the day she joined our family. It has been an intense nightmare since her 10th birthday when she proclaimed she didn't need parents anymore. I want the nightmare to end. </p><p></p><p>Daisy: I allow myself to be Hoovered into it every single time. I have to work harder at not allowing that. How? I don't know. But that seems doable. My husband always says it is not worth getting into it with her, because it doesn't do any good. She stays the same; he gets angry. I wish I were more like him. </p><p></p><p>Bunny: I like to bake. I find it calming. Needless to say, our kitchen looks like a bake shop. :-/ I also work on jigsaw puzzles. They are therapeutic: I take something that is broken in pieces and make it whole, unlike my experience with difficult child 1 and difficult child 2. </p><p></p><p>Jody: I do kind things for myself. It's hard, but I do it. Doesn't really do any good, because the problem is still there. It's like having a thorn in your hand. Advil may relieve the pain temporarily, but the pain will always be there until the thorn is yanked out. My "thorn" will be in my foot for another 392 days.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Methuselah, post: 488283, member: 12725"] Thanks all for your replies. Insane: I know this isn't my fault. I don't feel guilty at all. I know it is her and not me. I struggle with the hate I feel. I feel guilty about that, I guess. I don't like her as a person. I think her treatment of others, especially me, is despicable. I just hate being this angry all the time. Ma Kettle: thanks. I know there are others here who understand how I am feeling. I also know there are some who have figured out a way to get through it. I hope to one day be one of them. Right now? Not so much. I'm a mess. Buddy: it is hard for me to disassociate from her behavior, because her behavior IS her. She does the things she does not because she is bipolar, or has ADHD, or has brain damage. If those things were removed from most difficult children, they would be a easy child. She doesn't have anything to remove, because it is who she is. It is her character, her personality. Liahona: I would love to have her out of our house. Actually, I would like her out my life. :( I probably should see someone. I feel right now I would be payng someone to hear me whine. I know what the problem is. She is just too broken to fix. :( TimerLady: If I felt this way for a minute or a day here and there, I wouldn't whine. She is this way 24/365 since the day she joined our family. It has been an intense nightmare since her 10th birthday when she proclaimed she didn't need parents anymore. I want the nightmare to end. Daisy: I allow myself to be Hoovered into it every single time. I have to work harder at not allowing that. How? I don't know. But that seems doable. My husband always says it is not worth getting into it with her, because it doesn't do any good. She stays the same; he gets angry. I wish I were more like him. Bunny: I like to bake. I find it calming. Needless to say, our kitchen looks like a bake shop. :-/ I also work on jigsaw puzzles. They are therapeutic: I take something that is broken in pieces and make it whole, unlike my experience with difficult child 1 and difficult child 2. Jody: I do kind things for myself. It's hard, but I do it. Doesn't really do any good, because the problem is still there. It's like having a thorn in your hand. Advil may relieve the pain temporarily, but the pain will always be there until the thorn is yanked out. My "thorn" will be in my foot for another 392 days. [/QUOTE]
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