I have a mean cursing difficult child - I want to run away

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MICHL, Mar 28, 2009.

  1. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    It will never get any better. I just need to vent. I have the worst difficult child ever. He curses at me, and is very nasty to both husband & myself, breaks things, damages the house etc. Medication doesn't even make a dent. I feel like giving up but i can't, or can I? I don't think so, at least not financially which is huge.

    I used to have my signature/ profile attached, but how do I get it back?

    difficult child 13, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/not otherwise specified,odd, add (abilify/tenex)
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator


    I think your profile is attached -- is it visible to you?

    I'm sorry things are so rough for you. Is your difficult child seeing a developmental pediatrician or another professional skilled in managing autistic behaviors?

    Has the current medication mix made things worse, or are things about the same?

    Sometimes kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) need to be managed in a residential setting. What kind of school setting is your difficult child in? Would your school district consider more intensive school interventions?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're feeling so badly.
    Do you know that there is no medication for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified? Has your son received appropriate interventions for his disorder? Kids on the autism spectrum usually have NO social skills or life skills unless they are taught in a text-book way. They also tend not to respond well to talk therapy. It's not really about medications. Is he in treatment with somebody who understands autism?
    If not, I'd say that's a big part of the problem. You can't treat PDD_NOS like a psychiatric problem because it's a neurological difference. Some psychiatarists don't know squat about it.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I know of two situations- my son being one- where abilify had an adverse effect on the difficult child. If I were you, I'd be reviewing medications with psychiatrist.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The days of putting Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids away for having autism are over. Most are handled in a public school setting, often, however, in different classes and with aides and other interventions to teach them things that other k ids learn naturally, such as social skills and life skills and how to see the big picture rather than focusing on unnecessary stuff.
    When I was a kid the trend was to institutionalize, but then again back then they thought wrongly that autism was a mental illness. It's not. It's best if the parents learn how to handle thier own kids because it's a learning process for the entire family.
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    The signature just disappears while you are posting - it will get back once you hit submit.

    I am so sorry for your son's disrespect. My diva gets much the same way. I so hate hate hate it.

    What I did with diva was tell her not to ask anything of me until she can be nice to me for one month. She was much older though - just turned 18 so I am not sure how that would work with your difficult child.

    I think trying to stay calm and not let it show how it is effecting you. Put on a stance that this nastiness is not worth your ears to hear. Calmly yet firmly repeat, "You may not talk to me like that". You do not have to do anything for him until he can calm down and ask politely. Keep in mind that that will be extremely hard for him and for awhile polite will just mean no cursing and a negative attitude. He can not go from total nasty to total respect in one day. It took awhile to build into this, it will take a longer while to dig out.

    I don't usually do a good job at this myself but I am trying. Sometimes I get caught off guard and fall into the yelling back stage. I also think the ignoring stage can get dangerous since his anger will build and build until you address what he wants. You have the right to tell him that you will answer him once he is able to calm down and be polite.

    He has to learn that his first step in getting anything is his attitude.

    At a calm time, you can talk to him about the attitude of your home. Let him know that you do not believe he is any happier with than you are. That you are going to try harder to listen to his challenges and you would like him to try harder at not swearing and cursing you. Together as a team you can turn that around. It will take a very long time but if you can get him working with you on this it just might work?

    Be prepared to address it often throughout the day. Praise him when he has been polite (or skipped the swearing atleast). Let him know you understand his frustrations.

    Find things the two of you can do together to help rebuild that bond. Movies, walk, bike, bowling, skating, skiing, whatever it is he likes to do. Even if it is you watching him do his thing.
  7. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    MWM, I'm not talking about institutionalizing. I'm talking about treatment for managing behaviors. I know of several kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) whose behaviors were so over the top that their parents couldn't manage them at home as teenagers. There are definitely residential schools for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). It is hard to tell from Michelle's description of her son's behavior if she is at this point or not, but I wanted to mention that the option exists.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok. I don't know anyone at all who ever sent a child away with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I"m in a parent group too and we have 150 kids. But I don't know the world.
    For the most part, Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is treated at home. I'm sure (I dont' doubt you at all) that some parents can not handle their kids or the kids have co-morbids or they are too severe for the parents to manage and that they are sent to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) schools. That would be appropriate. I was thinking of RTCs...I think they would be very difficult for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids.
    Thanks for the clarification. I am sensitive because they used to lock up kids who had autism. ;)
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2009
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    MICHL! Can I come? difficult child 1 is going through this and I'm ready to scream!

    Another few weeks and Bermuda is supposed to be beautiful this time o' year!

  10. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    difficult child has always received a lot of services through school. But besides his delays, he has lots of aggressive defiant behavior, thus the ODD which is the hardest to manage in my opinion. The abilify helps a little, as does the tenex, because if i cut back on either one, all H_ _ _ would break loose after a few days. I've recently started Perimenopause and am quite hormonal so I've been a little cranky lately also. It's so hard to always try so much to help him want to improve and he will call me names and just get aggravated. He doesn't want to "think" about it, he's all impulse. I'm impulsive also, so I think I've passed some of my traits to him (Mother guilt). Someone told me I should join a support group for Autism Spectrum Disorders, and I might, but I always make excuses like i'm too busy. There is one that i should try, but there is this message board also...
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Hi Michl

    We are a great message board and support group for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), or any other behavioral disorder. Despite the textbooks diagnosis we all understand what it is like to live with a disrespectful, raging, illogical, kid. These kids challenge even the most patient of a person - let alone a parent stressed or tired (which most of us are after dealing with them X amount of years).

    I just want to extend a big hug. I know crummy and horrible you feel. And we are here.

    Your sig says Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), but is your son Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)? My son has NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) which is has many similar qualities to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), but it is not a complete fit. This coupled with his bi-polar has made him an unbelievably difficult situation. medications are a big part of it for us - but there have been and still are a lot of other creative interventions we are using.

    Keep posting, and let us know how we can help.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    While this is a great board, nothing beats a real life support group. We have speakers and social stuff for the kids (ha! Sometimes they never speak to one another, but they do have fun) and, best of all, we can exchange stories and ideas in person. If you have one nearby, I recommend it. You'll get a lot of differeing ideas, but you'll get help and support too in real time. Not everyone on this board is dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD).
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wiz has Aspergers and he cannot live with us. He can handle living with my parents because they are BOTH retired AND he is the only child living there. If he even has thank you and my niece over on different days every day of a week he has problems.

    He was beating me and trying to attack Jessie when I insisted that he leave our home. My dad is a retired jr high teacher who had JUST retired when they took Wiz to live with them. He could physically intimidate Wiz AND was twice as stubborn (Gpa is an undx'd Aspie himself) as Wiz. My mom provides the civilizing influences and much of the social skills stuff. so ti works.

    But yes, there ARE parents who are not bad parents who have kids on the autistic spectrum who cannot have them live at home safely.

    Our pediatrician knows of 2 other families here who have needed out of home placement for kids diagnosis'd with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I know because she asked me what we did to get a placement for Wiz.

    The dev pediatrician we saw has had several kids who had to be placed - and this was as of the time we last saw him - a few years ago due to insurance changes. Since our pediatrician and the dev pediatrician practice over 70 miles apart, well, I don't think these are the same kids.

    It is actually quite common for kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) to get very frustrated and lash out. They can't communicate their wants or needs as well, esp as tehy get older and sexual desires become a factor and social demands are so much more complicated. So do NOT feel bad if you need to find an out of home placement. There is no guilt in it if the best you can do is not what your child needs.

    Sometimes we just have to belong to a family of different addresses.
  14. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    Steely, he's diagnosis with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/not otherwise specified, is that an Autism Spectrum Disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD))? or did you mean Aspergers? I didn't quite understand your question. He's diagnosis "possible aspergers" but in my opinion he's more just Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/not otherwise specified.

    We could put him in a group home or something, but we don't. husband is really good with difficult child. It would break difficult child's heart if we sent him away. I would be really worried about him too. We just keep trying but it's stressful.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending a hug and a suggestion that you seek a new psychiatrist who will review
    medications and behaviors. It really is rare, in my humble opinion, for a child to be that out of control when properly medicated and living a structured life. Possible..but rare. Why not get a fresh new perspective by seeking out an adolescent Psychiatrist for a re-evaluation? DDD
  16. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Michelle! Right now the kids choice awards are on, so I'm getting 10 mins. peace.

    I hope I don't come off as a witch here, and in no way shape or form am I criticizing YOU! I am criticizing the professionals that have diagnosed him and haven't explained things to you. Jeez Louise! We're behind the 8 ball enough without professionals not taking the time to explain things. Take a look at the autism speaks website below:


    It'll help clarify things for you. I feel soooo bad for you because you've been trying to slay the dragon with a shoelace!

    When people ask me about Aspergers Syndrome, I describe it as an Ice Cream Sundae. The same holds true for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified.

    You start out with ice cream BUT you can choose any flavor you want OR a mix of them. Then you choose your fruit BUT it can be a banana, strawberrys, pineapple or cherries OR a mix of them. What topping? Strawberry sauce, hot fudge, chocolate syrup, caramel, butterscotch OR a mix of them. AND, with all of our kids, there has to be nuts!

    Feel better Michl! We're here for you, post often because we're here for you!

    Beth :bigsmile:
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to lend my support. My difficult child does not have any type of autism but when I looked at the title of this thread I thought-I could have titled a thread this way.

    My difficult child could probably make a sailor blush when he gets going and has also damaged a lot of our house. Right now he is relatively stable and it is still a daily struggle to work with him on not swearing among other things. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sometimes running away sounds like a great idea to me! Hugs to you!
  18. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    Thank you all for your support. It helps to know that I'm not alone.
  19. Stella

    Stella New Member

    I could have titled this thread too! I think every difficult child mom has fantasised about running away at some stage!! I can totally see how some kids are just to out of control to be managed at home. I am trying my best to deal with it at home but if my difficult child does get worse when she gets into her teens I really don't think I would be able to handle it. if it means us becoming a family of different addresses well then so be it. We both have to remain safe but I will cross that bridge when and if I come to it. My difficult child curses all the time, calls me names (which i hate more than anything), slams doors, breaks things...when she gets into one of her rages (over practically nothing!) she is like a demon possessed!! It's so hurtful and exhausting. I'm dealing with a raging child, on my own (single mom) with absolutley no help from medications (she's too defiant to take them).

    Like the rest of you I try, try, try to keep calm but I'm human and sometimes I lose it too and resort to yelling and slamming doors and even name calling myself. When I do this I end up hating myself and I think over time it has damaged my self -esteem. I think "what type of mother can call her child names and shout at her like that" etc etc.... That coupled with the guilt of what traits you have passed on will really effect your self esteem. Guilt really is a wasted emotion though as it doesn't achieve anything.

    All you can do is your best in an extremely difficult situation. Also, try start each day with a clean state and try your best to forget about the names she called you, the stuff she has broken the day before. Carrying on animosity from one day to the next won't help anyone. It's difficult not to hold a grudge though when they've done on said something really nasty.

    It truly is a thankless task being a mom to a difficult child. Not many people know the true meaning of unconditional love, but we do, that's for sure. This is why we don't give up on them.
  20. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I read your thread and just realized that I have to leave my house very soon. I don't have much time to respond but just want to send lots of hugs your way... difficult child 2 has Aspberger's among other disorders, and difficult child 1 is an Aspie who is also bipolar. Life has been a living HE77 at times!!!

    I think you've received great advice. If I can think of anything to add, I'll be back later. Thinking of you... WFEN