I just cant be nice to her anymore!!! Help

[bran155]

Does anyone else have this problem, or am I just evil??? I am just so fed up with my daughter's recent behavior that I am finding it extremely hard to be nice to her, even when she is being nice to me. She often asks me if I hate her. Ugghh, knife right through my heart!!! I love her so much but cant for the life of me bring myself to show her. I cant express the empathy and heartbreak I feel for her, instead I walk around completely miserable and often times very cold and standoffish.

Today she actually cleaned the "nasty bathroom" and all I could say was "good job", not even enthusiastically at that!! She just left the house and I told her I loved her in a nonchalant sort of way. Now of course, I will sit and wallow in my guilt. Why can't I live in the moment, why is it that I am so caught up in my own feelings of resentment and frustration that I can't accept the good moments when they do occur, even if they are far and few between? She could never know how much I do love her and how much I worry about her. I'm being incredibly selfish, only thinking about my own feelings. I hate myself for that!!! Everyday I tell myself that I will make the effort to see some good in her, make an effort to enjoy her even if it is just for 10 minutes. As she is walking about the house I feel the love and want so much to be able to just hug her with meaning, I want so much to be able to verbally express what my heart feels, but that always gets buried by the frustration I am so used to feeling. Am I alone, or does anyone here understand where I am coming from? Has anyone gone through this too???

 

[Wiped Out]

Bran,
I can understand after day in and day out of abuse how hard it is to be able to express your love even though you do love her. You are not pure evil not even a little bit. You are human. I often think if I was treated by my husband like I am treated by my difficult child I would not be with him. It's hard at times to be the one giving out the warm fuzzies when you have been treated so badly.

Have you talked to a therapist about your feelings?

Also, are you able to get any time for yourself? I think that helps a lot.

Sending gentle hugs your way.

 

[bran155]

Wiped Out,

Thank you for responding. It's funny you said that about your husband, I always say that very same thing!!! I would never put up with this abuse from him.

My daughter's recent therapist just went into private practice so she wont be seeing my daughter anymore, however she called me and left me her personal cell phone number and said she would see me at her new office. She said she is willing to work with me with regards to the payments. She is so very sweet and genuinely concerned for me as well as my daughter. She knows firsthand what both me and my difficult child are going through as her specialty is Borderline Personality Disorder. She also has a close family member who is a Borderline so she would be a perfect fit. I plan on calling her tomorrow, I just got the message today.

I will make a conscience effort to be nice to my daughter when she comes home. I am going to ask her if she wants to have a slumber party in the living room tonite and we can watch a movie together. I say that now, I just hope it plays out like that later.

Thanks for the hugs.

 

[klmno]

This is tough sometimes, Bran. With me, it seems like just because difficult child "changes mood", I can't always bounce back that quickly. Even thoug I know he has issues, there is a part of me that can't always forget everything that has happened the night before or week before. I don't think that makes us bad parents. Obviously, if it gets to a point where we can't get over it within a reasonable amount of time and we are harboring resentment toward our kid, then we need to get some help. But what I hear you saying is that your difficult child decided to be reasonable for a while and you didn't suddenly forget everything that has been happening- I think that is just human, And NOT being in denial.

What to do about it- well, sometimes I have to find a little time alone- away from difficult child- to get past my negative feelings and start thinking positive again and find my "hope" again so I don't give up. Once I get past some of that, I either try to have a heart-to-heart with him (not like 2 adults getting real deep, but more of re-establishing some connection). Or, if that isn't coming easy, take a walk together and just chat a little or do like you are thinking about- I'll say something to him like "we've been under so much stress lately, I think we've been driving each other nuts and we need to take a break - how about we plan on a movie at home relaxing tomorrow night". Sometimes, we play a game of scrabble or watch the stand up comedians on tv. We have to break the ice and make up, so to speak. Of course, at some point in the near future, try to tell her that you really do appreciate her efforts to clean the bathroom. (It could be that she noticed she had reached her limit with you, too!!)

You're doing the best you can and are very in touch with your feelings. It is rough for us- parents and difficult child's. There is only so much that they are going to be able to understand about how we feel raising a difficult child- and that is probably how it should be- what can we do? It would be abusive if we laid into them telling them everything it put us through, really. on the other hand, I don't think we can truly understand or appreciate what they must go through either. I think of it like taking the normal generation gap between parents and teens and multiplying it by 1000.

I hope this has helped a little- HUGS!!

 

[OpenWindow]

I understand your feelings too. I often go through those feelings with my difficult child after he goes through one of his really ugly phases. It really helps me to just get away for even a day. It also helps me to really make myself think about all of difficult child's good points. And then I tell him what I like about him. I don't think he really pays attention, but it helps me.

I think your slumber party sounds like a great idea. I'll be crossing fingers and toes that it works out.

 

[reallytrying]

I can definitely relate! In fact, that is one of the first things I told the therapist when we met: "I feel so guilty because I don't like her, and I'm only at ease when I'm away from her" It felt good to say it and not be judged--which was the beginning of things changing.
She was such a difficult baby that I worried she wouldn't feel like I loved her, and that made me feel guilty as well.

Nowadays, I try to stare at her long enough that I remember how beautiful she is and how I would do anything to help her (she is pretty darn cute!) and though it sounds crazy, it seems to be working. She will say "What?" and I just tell her "nothing!"

It is very difficult to just turn feelings on and off--in my opinion, sometimes it is necessary to put some emotional distance to still be able to function.

Healing thought coming your way

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I think it is almost like (or maybe it even is) PTSD.

You put up with a certain behavior for so long, that your body has developed a natural defense mechanism. In this case, shutting yourself off of all emotion to protect your heart from any more hurt.

Your awareness is key to overcoming this obstacle. I love the idea of a slumber party.

 

[wethreepeeps]

Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. difficult child just came home from a week in the phospital and I am totally numb, after not sleeping for the last three nights, my stomach full of knots that he was coming home and nothing would be different. And it's not. He already stole candy from easy child's bedroom and he only came home this afternoon. I don't have an answer for you, but I don't think it makes you a bad parent, not at all.

 

[KTMom91]

Bran, you are not alone...I understand you perfectly. I hadn't thought of it in terms of PTSD...thank you, Kitty...but it is definitely a form of self-preservation. She's nice right now...so what does she want? Or what kind of he!! am I going to get shoved in my face? Even now, with Miss KT being gone for a month, I wonder what's next. It was much more difficult when she was here, for sure. This is the first time I have had a peaceful home in 17 years.

 

[desperate4help]

I just joined this group tonight, right now and I thought, you know i am the only person in the world who can't stand to be around their daughter. The first thing I read was this. God works in wonderful ways, I can definately state that for sure. I am a married mom of 2. my daughter who is almost 11 (October 20) has just been diagnosed with ODD and a mood disorder. My husband and my 4 year-old son have moved out of the state in order to get away from all the craziness that comes with raising her. She ran away yesterday morning and I had to call the police, she then went to her day camp from 10-3 and I know the relief that you are talking about. I was so happy I didn't even have to look at her for those few precious hours I get 4 days a week. Immediately when she got home, she began throwing a tantrum which escalated into a full blown rage and she hit, slapped and scratched me, destroyed my house and broke several of my figurines. I then had to call the police again. Her therapist came over as well and stated that we should take her to get admitted to a stress center. So, off we go to the stress center. And honestly, I was sort of relieved at the thought I wouldn't have to bring her home that night. But, after 3 grueling hours, they decided not to admit her and back home to a tantrum i went. FINALLY at midnight she went to sleep. I have never been so happy as I was this morning when she got right up and left at 10. So, I know I went on and on, but I know EXACTLY what it feels like to not be able to stand your child, EVEN when they are being good. I also unfortunately understand the guilt that comes with this job of raising difficult children. I am here if any of you out there need to talk.
Thanks.

 

[Mallygrl]

Thank you!!! I am sooo glad to hear I am not the only person who feels that way. So many of you said the exact same things I have said many times. Again, it's nice to know I am not alone in my feelings and my struggle.

 

[bran155]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I am so glad that we all have each other to lean on. I dont feel so alone in this struggle. I am happy that I am not the only one who is feeling this way. difficult child's ARE hard to love!!!

The slumber party never happened. She came home at about 12:30 last night, got on the phone and made more plans to leave. I argued with her, told her she could not leave my house so late, she is not an adult, you know the drill, yada, yada, yada. Long story short, here's a shocker, she left!! She said she was going to sleep at "Lisa's house". I have never met this mysterious "Lisa", of course thats because she doesn't exist!!! I hear about "Lisa" only when she is plotting to stay out all night. So no slumber party, (not at my house at least) its now 11 am the next day and my daughter is still not home.

Now I will wallow in the worry phase, you know the roller coaster of emotions we ride daily, worry is the worst one!!!

Thanks all and sending big hugs right back at ya!! I will keep you posted.

 

[bran155]

Oops, my mistake, she is home. I just went up to her room to check and she is sleeping every so soundly. She must have creeped in, either very late or very early this morning. She is very good at being a teenage difficult child!!! I usually lock the front door if it is past midnight as that is her curfew. If she isnt home by then, then she gets locked out!! She got lucky last night. One time I locked her out and she climbed in my sister's window downstairs at 5 am and nearly gave my sister a heart attack!!!

Just another day on the farm!!! lol