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General Parenting
I know I just posted yesterday BUT.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 84274" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Meowbunny has a good suggestion. It's what we did.</p><p></p><p>But here are some more suggestions:</p><p></p><p>1) push the guilt aside. Is it helping? OK, it's telling you that you went overboard and didn't help, but you already knew that. Now it's time to learn from it and move on. Every day is a fresh start.</p><p></p><p>2) You need to find ways to keep your cool, AND your position as parent. It can be done.</p><p></p><p>3) Dig deeper and see where she is coming from - she really wasn't doing this to show disrespect and to be defiant, her main issue was expressing frustration which itself was born out of anxiety. EXTREME anxiety. And hr yelling abuse at you (who she perceived as the cause of her frustration, when you weren't really) was the outcome. By reacting to it the way you did, you confirmed in her tiny little mind that she IS right to blame you, because you jumped in to defend yourself. What she needs to do (eventually - it won't happen overnight) is to be able to look deeper and find the real cause, herself.</p><p>Hence- you need to learn to not buy into her dramas, to stay aloof and simply help her over the hurdle in her path, as if you are an innocent bystander.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure someone recommended "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helps you see inside where she's REALLY coming from, which in turn helps you deal with the REAL problem and not let her frilly side issues distract both of you. It also helps you find better ways of resolving a situation and in the long run, teaches her to do this for herself, as and when she is ready to.</p><p></p><p>I have so been where you are now! Hang in there, stick around and don't think posting on a daily basis is weird. If that were the case, then a lot of us would need straitjackets!</p><p></p><p>Post away! Especially when you've just made contact, you need it. Don't feel guilty - in reading your threads, other people get helped too.</p><p></p><p>I would also be thinking that maybe the diagnosis needs to be dug into a little deeper, to maybe try and identify in fine detail where she is having most problems. She DOES sound anxious, she also sounds like she's using routine and ritual to cope. This can be a signpost for other things, if it's not just a coping strategy. It can also be a frustration point. </p><p></p><p>When you're not so frazzled, maybe we can talk with you about what triggers her, what makes her feel safe, and so on. It all helps - it is so hard for our kids, just trying to cope. Which, of course, makes it harder for us!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 84274, member: 1991"] Meowbunny has a good suggestion. It's what we did. But here are some more suggestions: 1) push the guilt aside. Is it helping? OK, it's telling you that you went overboard and didn't help, but you already knew that. Now it's time to learn from it and move on. Every day is a fresh start. 2) You need to find ways to keep your cool, AND your position as parent. It can be done. 3) Dig deeper and see where she is coming from - she really wasn't doing this to show disrespect and to be defiant, her main issue was expressing frustration which itself was born out of anxiety. EXTREME anxiety. And hr yelling abuse at you (who she perceived as the cause of her frustration, when you weren't really) was the outcome. By reacting to it the way you did, you confirmed in her tiny little mind that she IS right to blame you, because you jumped in to defend yourself. What she needs to do (eventually - it won't happen overnight) is to be able to look deeper and find the real cause, herself. Hence- you need to learn to not buy into her dramas, to stay aloof and simply help her over the hurdle in her path, as if you are an innocent bystander. I'm sure someone recommended "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helps you see inside where she's REALLY coming from, which in turn helps you deal with the REAL problem and not let her frilly side issues distract both of you. It also helps you find better ways of resolving a situation and in the long run, teaches her to do this for herself, as and when she is ready to. I have so been where you are now! Hang in there, stick around and don't think posting on a daily basis is weird. If that were the case, then a lot of us would need straitjackets! Post away! Especially when you've just made contact, you need it. Don't feel guilty - in reading your threads, other people get helped too. I would also be thinking that maybe the diagnosis needs to be dug into a little deeper, to maybe try and identify in fine detail where she is having most problems. She DOES sound anxious, she also sounds like she's using routine and ritual to cope. This can be a signpost for other things, if it's not just a coping strategy. It can also be a frustration point. When you're not so frazzled, maybe we can talk with you about what triggers her, what makes her feel safe, and so on. It all helps - it is so hard for our kids, just trying to cope. Which, of course, makes it harder for us! Marg [/QUOTE]
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