I know I just posted yesterday BUT.......

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sweetiegirlz, Oct 7, 2007.

  1. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    :crying: Another weekend coming to a close and difficult child is so so so unreasonable and disrespectful.

    She's tantruming, after I feed her and easy child I told them it would be time to clean up. difficult child has specific routine for cleaning so she goes to pick out her school clothes.

    She cannot find what she wants to wear and so says this to me YELLING:


    While she's doing this, she's pacing and yelling it and slamming drawers.

    ***Please keep in mind that difficult child has more clean clothes than myself and easy child put TOGETHER.***

    i couldn't stand her speaking to me this way as if I was some dumb snotty little kid on the street and she's MY mother.

    I stormed in the room, lost it and started throwing all her clothes (which were CLEAN by the way) on the floor in front of her. and I said I'm tired of you acting like a little *i t c h to me! Pick out something to wear and put the rest back.

    Of course I felt HORRIBLE for doing this and plenty upset. I am so drained and feel so much guilt for saying this to her. WHY why why?

    Is guilt a mandatory feeling for all mothers and fathers of difficult child's?
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I know, I know, I know!!!! The guilt is all consuming. But they push you and push you...and just when you think that they cannot push you anymore, they do.

    The hardest thing to do is not react. Or, react very quietly. I don't know why they do these things. I don't know at what point these children decided that it was okay to talk to their moms like this.

    Tink gets a time out when she talks to me like that. Every single time. Your daughter may be too old for that, but perhaps losing a priveledge. The hard thing is once the punishment is doled out, drop it. With Tink, as soon as her time out is over, if it were a situation like yours with the clothes? I would take a pair of her pants and put them upside down on my head and tell her "ok, you can go to school wearing just this". Immediately she is laughing, and we've managed to change the subject. Then we can problem solve.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Hon, guilt is a pre-requisite of parenting any child. No matter what, we lose it at times. The problem is that our children with "special" problems manage to push even more buttons, which means we parents have even more guilt. So, you have the factors of a child + a child who can push more buttons than you thought existed + puberty!!! Nasty, ugly combination at the best of times.

    There is a semi-simple solution for at least one part of this problem. Since you are so stupid that you can't do her clothes when and how she wants, it is time she started doing her own. My daughter quickly learned to not scream at me about anything she might be capable of doing herself because it quickly went on her list of things to do. Once it became her responsibility, I never did that thing for her again. Ultimately, her list included making lunch, washing her clothes, making sure she wasn't out of hygiene items, vacuuming her room, cleaning her toilet and bathtub. I would show her how to do them once and then it was on her entirely. If she didn't have clean clothes (or if her clothes were all a pale blue because she didn't feel like sorting), not my problem. If she didn't have lunch the next day, not my problem. If she ran out of shampoo because she forgot to tell me she was low and I no longer checked, not my problem.

    I'm not sure there is a solution to getting her to talk to you as if you are a human being worthy of respect. My daughter is just now getting the message that she has to control her mouth if she wants to live in my home. I have the option of making my child move (she's 20). You don't. You could try giving her very specific consequences for her mouth. I tried it with mine at that age. Didn't work in the least.

    So, don't beat yourself up for losing it. At least you took it out on her clothes, not her. Our kids are pros at making us lose control. This is the only way they have of "winning."
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    They do know how to push our buttons.

    I would have walked in and calmly stated that I did do laundry and if you can't find anything to wear then, frankly, it's not my problem. However, if you choose to continue with this behavior, maybe it's because you have too many choices and I will make it easier for you by narrowing it down. If she chose to continue, I would have taken away all clothes except for what she needed for the week that *you* pick out.

    I would also inform her if she continues to speak to you in that manner regarding her laundry, then she can wash her own clothes. 9 is not too young to do laundry.

    I quit looking for laundry years ago. If it's not in the hamper, it doesn't get washed. Once, when easy child was 10, I did all the laundry except that all of easy child's were on the floor in his room so they didn't get done. The next day he was very nasty to me about it...that he didn't have any clean clothes to wear to school. I told him I had done all the laundry the day before and if he wanted clean clothes, he would have to wash them himself. He then asked me how much he was going to get paid! :surprise: I told him that his reward would be going to school in clean clothes and had to try very hard not to laugh out loud at his absurdity.

    It's a good thing I like him. :hammer: :rofl:
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Meowbunny has a good suggestion. It's what we did.

    But here are some more suggestions:

    1) push the guilt aside. Is it helping? OK, it's telling you that you went overboard and didn't help, but you already knew that. Now it's time to learn from it and move on. Every day is a fresh start.

    2) You need to find ways to keep your cool, AND your position as parent. It can be done.

    3) Dig deeper and see where she is coming from - she really wasn't doing this to show disrespect and to be defiant, her main issue was expressing frustration which itself was born out of anxiety. EXTREME anxiety. And hr yelling abuse at you (who she perceived as the cause of her frustration, when you weren't really) was the outcome. By reacting to it the way you did, you confirmed in her tiny little mind that she IS right to blame you, because you jumped in to defend yourself. What she needs to do (eventually - it won't happen overnight) is to be able to look deeper and find the real cause, herself.
    Hence- you need to learn to not buy into her dramas, to stay aloof and simply help her over the hurdle in her path, as if you are an innocent bystander.

    I'm sure someone recommended "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It really helps you see inside where she's REALLY coming from, which in turn helps you deal with the REAL problem and not let her frilly side issues distract both of you. It also helps you find better ways of resolving a situation and in the long run, teaches her to do this for herself, as and when she is ready to.

    I have so been where you are now! Hang in there, stick around and don't think posting on a daily basis is weird. If that were the case, then a lot of us would need straitjackets!

    Post away! Especially when you've just made contact, you need it. Don't feel guilty - in reading your threads, other people get helped too.

    I would also be thinking that maybe the diagnosis needs to be dug into a little deeper, to maybe try and identify in fine detail where she is having most problems. She DOES sound anxious, she also sounds like she's using routine and ritual to cope. This can be a signpost for other things, if it's not just a coping strategy. It can also be a frustration point.

    When you're not so frazzled, maybe we can talk with you about what triggers her, what makes her feel safe, and so on. It all helps - it is so hard for our kids, just trying to cope. Which, of course, makes it harder for us!

  6. branbran

    branbran New Member

    Guilt is an absolute requirement!!! It comes with the job. Stinks huh? Guilt is usually my primary emotion.

    Sorry you have been having a hard time. I hope things start looking up for you soon. :smile:
  7. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Hi there

    Don't beat yourself up about it we've all been there.
    I can't tell you what I said to my difficult child last week because it would be censored. Sufficient to say I used a few words that usually come out of his mouth not mine. He was stunned! I felt bad about it though. Guilt comes with parenthood!

    Take care x