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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 591339" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>First of all, I do not have ANY moral judgments for letting him live with you. NOTHING I say is based on any ideas of morality or judgment of your morals. I do think it is sweet that you care so much for him. I also worry about a few things.</p><p></p><p>What do you know of leases and tenant's rights? Unless the son of his ex roommate had gone through a formal eviction process, there is ZERO way that your so had to leave by the weekend. If he does maintenance in a residential building, he should know this. If you and he have relationship problems it may be VERY hard to get him out of your home as he will have every legal right a tenant has. You may be in trouble with your landlord for letting a renter who is not vetted by property management move in with you. Your ex may also have a royal fit over this. From what little I know about CA divorce laws, you probably will not have a judge be willing to even listen to his complaints unless SO has some type of criminal record or other major problem. </p><p></p><p>How much do you know about SO and his background? You do NOT need to answer me, but you must be honest with yourself. Have you run ANY of the checks that a landlord would run? You are not just a landlord with property to protect from renters with criminal backgrounds and/or other problems. You have moved him in with your daughter in a one bedroom apartment. That is HUGE. Your situation would be wonderful for someone who wanted to harm you or your daughter or son when he is there. This man will have full access to your daughter when you are not home. Is he a sex offender? How do you know he is not? Did you check the sex offender registry and city/county/state records to see if he has been arrested and what for? You can do these online. </p><p></p><p>It is one thing to take that risk blindly for yourself. It is a whole different ballgame to put your daughter at that type of risk. It is not close to enough to ask him if he has been arrested for anything or if he is on the sex offender registry. He could very easily sold you a whole pack of lies about his past. You don't know unless you have done the basics of checking him out. Many of the searches can be done for free, but there are services that do it easily and quickly for you that charge. in my opinion it would be well worth it to have one of these companies run the check because their fees are a miniscule sum when compare to the cost of the damage that could be done to your daughter, yourself AND your relationship with her. You really do NOT need those headaches.</p><p></p><p>What are the ground rules for the house? Have you chatted about what you expect of him? What he must do around the house, if anything? What will happen if he sits around like a sultan and expects you to take care of him? What is he to do when difficult child explodes or does other difficult child things? What is totally not okay for him to do, for you to do, etc....? What is he to contribute to the household finances? How will groceries be handled? Does he buy his own and not eat with you? Do you split the costs so he pays about 1/3 and you 2/3 and then negotiate as you see how much he eats and how expensive it is to add him to the grocery budget?</p><p></p><p>Do you intend to treat him as a short term guest or a long term roommate? What behaviors do you expect of a good roommate? Of a short term good guest?</p><p></p><p>What does he need to know about difficult child and her problems? What role is he to play in her life right now? What is he to do when she is out of line and/or takes his stuff/breaks his stuff/tests the limits, etc... What is the minimum he is to wear as he is around the house? Is it okay for him to wear just a towel to go from bathroom to wherever he will change? What are the parameters for your intimate times with him? How do you schedule these times? What is acceptable for difficult child to see of the two of you? Hugging? Kissing? hand holding? snuggling on the couch to watch a movie? Going into the bedroom alone as she is in the main part of the apartment? </p><p></p><p>What are acceptable leisure activities? How much alcohol is okay for him to drink in your home? Can he smoke or use other forms of tobacco there? What will you do if he brings pot or other drugs into your home? what if he gives any of these or alcohol to difficult child? What friends can he bring over to the home? How many at one time? What can they do and/or not do? (I say this one because my first apartment roommate allowed her father and uncle to rebuild an engine on the brand new bright white counters in our kitchen. With only one single sheet of newspaper to protect the counter tops. She had a hissy when I insisted she tell the landlord that I was NOT to be charged for the replacement and that she give the entire cost of redoing them to the office. She truly expected that I would pay at least half the cost and would forfeit my deposits. None of my college friends had ever seen me levitate as my head spun all the way around with fury until then. I was just 'cute sweet little' Susie until that day. I was 'she is <strong>scary</strong> when you go too far' Susie after that. </p><p></p><p>What deposits has he given you? Is the landlord okay with him fixing things? In MANY lease agreements it says the landlord will make all improvements/repairs. This protects you and the property. If something is damaged/broken and the repair is not up to code the fees can be enormous. If the repair is not done correctly, it can hurt more than the property. It can hurt people. If SO has made the repair, YOU may be liable for any damages. this would include fees paid to other tenants due to flooding, needing to stay elsewhere until the problem is fixed properly, and fees for violating the lease. You can also be evicted and face lawsuits for damages AND you will have a tough time finding an apartment you can afford after the other managers/landlords find out that you damaged the property with DIY repairs by SO. I don't care HOW good he is at fixing things, problems happen during repairs and YOU would be on the hook for damages and possibly punitive fees also. SO would not be liable unless you add him to the lease. If you have a cosigner, they could be held liable also and this could seriously harm your relationship with the cosigner. </p><p></p><p>SO had choices other than your home. He simply made it look like he didn't so that you would rescue him. I think you may need to use this, whatever happens good or bad, to teach yourself that you do NOT have to take care of others and it is unwise to make offers to people unless you have thought long and hard about the situation and what you will do if the worst happens. This was sweet but not well thought out and is fraught with pitfalls. </p><p></p><p>You are very sweet and naive in various ways. It is important that you start looking at the long term ramifications of choices like these. Maybe you can arrange a friend or relative to call when you want to make an offer like this or to enter into a big decision, esp one that impacts your kids on so many levels. You could work to make statements like "I could regret this but" or other "but" statements to be a trigger to make that phone call to discuss the decision. If you don't want to talk to someone about this and deal with other emotional baggage or judgment from the discussion, you could write out a table with pros on one side and cons on the other. It would help you to organize your thoughts and make informed choices rather than offering without thinking things through and then having to deal with the problems that follow.</p><p></p><p>You NEED to talk to someone about your medications. You have a difficult child at home who needs you present in the evenings and mornings. Not just physically there and asleep at seven but truly awake, aware and functional. You should not be staying up to watch tv on the couch with SO. You should be staying up to be there for difficult child, to take time to improve your relationship with her however you can. It is NOT acceptable to take your medications several hours early to get away from anxiety. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE sign that you NEED more help. If you don't have a therapist, you NEED one. Even if you have to give up some hours at a job or get on a waiting list at a busy mental health clinic. I thought you had a therapist at one point. If you do see one regularly, you MUST be honest about your medication use, anxiety and this impulsiveness. Do you have ANY idea how much your daughter's risk of being abused increased when you allowed SO to move in? NOT NOT NOT saying he has, will, or plans to hurt her in any way, but just by moving him n your increase her risk of being abused by an astronomical amount. </p><p></p><p>I have given you a LOT to think about. Please take time to answer the questions to yourself, openly and honestly without hiding from yourself and the reality of what you are doing by allowing SO to live with your daughter and yourself. You don't need to answer me if you don't want to, but please think about every single question and/or suggestion I have made. Especiallly please allow the doctor prescribing your medications to know what you are doing with them in the evenings and to help you with the anxiety. I know how awful anxiety is, and it won't get better by hiding things or adding chaos to your life. </p><p></p><p>I do hope that whatever happens does not damage any of you, including SO.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 591339, member: 1233"] First of all, I do not have ANY moral judgments for letting him live with you. NOTHING I say is based on any ideas of morality or judgment of your morals. I do think it is sweet that you care so much for him. I also worry about a few things. What do you know of leases and tenant's rights? Unless the son of his ex roommate had gone through a formal eviction process, there is ZERO way that your so had to leave by the weekend. If he does maintenance in a residential building, he should know this. If you and he have relationship problems it may be VERY hard to get him out of your home as he will have every legal right a tenant has. You may be in trouble with your landlord for letting a renter who is not vetted by property management move in with you. Your ex may also have a royal fit over this. From what little I know about CA divorce laws, you probably will not have a judge be willing to even listen to his complaints unless SO has some type of criminal record or other major problem. How much do you know about SO and his background? You do NOT need to answer me, but you must be honest with yourself. Have you run ANY of the checks that a landlord would run? You are not just a landlord with property to protect from renters with criminal backgrounds and/or other problems. You have moved him in with your daughter in a one bedroom apartment. That is HUGE. Your situation would be wonderful for someone who wanted to harm you or your daughter or son when he is there. This man will have full access to your daughter when you are not home. Is he a sex offender? How do you know he is not? Did you check the sex offender registry and city/county/state records to see if he has been arrested and what for? You can do these online. It is one thing to take that risk blindly for yourself. It is a whole different ballgame to put your daughter at that type of risk. It is not close to enough to ask him if he has been arrested for anything or if he is on the sex offender registry. He could very easily sold you a whole pack of lies about his past. You don't know unless you have done the basics of checking him out. Many of the searches can be done for free, but there are services that do it easily and quickly for you that charge. in my opinion it would be well worth it to have one of these companies run the check because their fees are a miniscule sum when compare to the cost of the damage that could be done to your daughter, yourself AND your relationship with her. You really do NOT need those headaches. What are the ground rules for the house? Have you chatted about what you expect of him? What he must do around the house, if anything? What will happen if he sits around like a sultan and expects you to take care of him? What is he to do when difficult child explodes or does other difficult child things? What is totally not okay for him to do, for you to do, etc....? What is he to contribute to the household finances? How will groceries be handled? Does he buy his own and not eat with you? Do you split the costs so he pays about 1/3 and you 2/3 and then negotiate as you see how much he eats and how expensive it is to add him to the grocery budget? Do you intend to treat him as a short term guest or a long term roommate? What behaviors do you expect of a good roommate? Of a short term good guest? What does he need to know about difficult child and her problems? What role is he to play in her life right now? What is he to do when she is out of line and/or takes his stuff/breaks his stuff/tests the limits, etc... What is the minimum he is to wear as he is around the house? Is it okay for him to wear just a towel to go from bathroom to wherever he will change? What are the parameters for your intimate times with him? How do you schedule these times? What is acceptable for difficult child to see of the two of you? Hugging? Kissing? hand holding? snuggling on the couch to watch a movie? Going into the bedroom alone as she is in the main part of the apartment? What are acceptable leisure activities? How much alcohol is okay for him to drink in your home? Can he smoke or use other forms of tobacco there? What will you do if he brings pot or other drugs into your home? what if he gives any of these or alcohol to difficult child? What friends can he bring over to the home? How many at one time? What can they do and/or not do? (I say this one because my first apartment roommate allowed her father and uncle to rebuild an engine on the brand new bright white counters in our kitchen. With only one single sheet of newspaper to protect the counter tops. She had a hissy when I insisted she tell the landlord that I was NOT to be charged for the replacement and that she give the entire cost of redoing them to the office. She truly expected that I would pay at least half the cost and would forfeit my deposits. None of my college friends had ever seen me levitate as my head spun all the way around with fury until then. I was just 'cute sweet little' Susie until that day. I was 'she is [B]scary[/B] when you go too far' Susie after that. What deposits has he given you? Is the landlord okay with him fixing things? In MANY lease agreements it says the landlord will make all improvements/repairs. This protects you and the property. If something is damaged/broken and the repair is not up to code the fees can be enormous. If the repair is not done correctly, it can hurt more than the property. It can hurt people. If SO has made the repair, YOU may be liable for any damages. this would include fees paid to other tenants due to flooding, needing to stay elsewhere until the problem is fixed properly, and fees for violating the lease. You can also be evicted and face lawsuits for damages AND you will have a tough time finding an apartment you can afford after the other managers/landlords find out that you damaged the property with DIY repairs by SO. I don't care HOW good he is at fixing things, problems happen during repairs and YOU would be on the hook for damages and possibly punitive fees also. SO would not be liable unless you add him to the lease. If you have a cosigner, they could be held liable also and this could seriously harm your relationship with the cosigner. SO had choices other than your home. He simply made it look like he didn't so that you would rescue him. I think you may need to use this, whatever happens good or bad, to teach yourself that you do NOT have to take care of others and it is unwise to make offers to people unless you have thought long and hard about the situation and what you will do if the worst happens. This was sweet but not well thought out and is fraught with pitfalls. You are very sweet and naive in various ways. It is important that you start looking at the long term ramifications of choices like these. Maybe you can arrange a friend or relative to call when you want to make an offer like this or to enter into a big decision, esp one that impacts your kids on so many levels. You could work to make statements like "I could regret this but" or other "but" statements to be a trigger to make that phone call to discuss the decision. If you don't want to talk to someone about this and deal with other emotional baggage or judgment from the discussion, you could write out a table with pros on one side and cons on the other. It would help you to organize your thoughts and make informed choices rather than offering without thinking things through and then having to deal with the problems that follow. You NEED to talk to someone about your medications. You have a difficult child at home who needs you present in the evenings and mornings. Not just physically there and asleep at seven but truly awake, aware and functional. You should not be staying up to watch tv on the couch with SO. You should be staying up to be there for difficult child, to take time to improve your relationship with her however you can. It is NOT acceptable to take your medications several hours early to get away from anxiety. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE sign that you NEED more help. If you don't have a therapist, you NEED one. Even if you have to give up some hours at a job or get on a waiting list at a busy mental health clinic. I thought you had a therapist at one point. If you do see one regularly, you MUST be honest about your medication use, anxiety and this impulsiveness. Do you have ANY idea how much your daughter's risk of being abused increased when you allowed SO to move in? NOT NOT NOT saying he has, will, or plans to hurt her in any way, but just by moving him n your increase her risk of being abused by an astronomical amount. I have given you a LOT to think about. Please take time to answer the questions to yourself, openly and honestly without hiding from yourself and the reality of what you are doing by allowing SO to live with your daughter and yourself. You don't need to answer me if you don't want to, but please think about every single question and/or suggestion I have made. Especiallly please allow the doctor prescribing your medications to know what you are doing with them in the evenings and to help you with the anxiety. I know how awful anxiety is, and it won't get better by hiding things or adding chaos to your life. I do hope that whatever happens does not damage any of you, including SO. [/QUOTE]
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