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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 654589" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>ElizabethAnne, I do not know how to tell a Scorpion, but I guess I know how to feel one. But, before I get there, I need to respond to something you wrote. We are not obligated to give people money, whether they are good or bad risks. I inherited a very little bit of money. How people know this, I am not sure. Since then i have been asked by people who are little more than strangers, for $5000 to pay legal fees for an adult child, $20000 for a down payment on a property, and $25000 to help someone avoid foreclosure.. In each case I was assured there would be no risk.</p><p></p><p>The issue for me is not risk. It is boundaries and the fact that I am trying to learn to simplify and enrich my life. My goal is not to enmesh and take on problems that are not mine, or those of my loved ones.</p><p></p><p>The woman facing foreclosure volunteered to forfeit her home, if she missed 2 payments. GREAT. Just want I want from life--to take away somebody's home to satisfy a debt. Are people NUTS? </p><p></p><p>What I think is the common denominator is this. (I know this thanks to my boyfriend.) He says I present *falsely a picture of docility, generosity and goodness, and that people think they can do with me what they want and that I will make all their wishes come true. WONDERFUL. Thankfully, I am a bit more complicated than I look at first glance.</p><p></p><p>What I want is to learn to live well. By that I mean, a little bit of pleasure and self esteem every day, and to make a nice home and life for myself and a man who is good to me. I have lived with ambition...and still have it....but I am trying to make it wait, for now.</p><p></p><p>About how to distinguish between humans and scorpions. This is what Cedar wrote:</p><p></p><p>None of us deserves punishment. What we do deserve is to be mistaken sometimes, and to be forgiven sometimes, and to forgive sincerely when we can, and not to be judged harshly or manipulated or tricked or pinched by those we allow into our inner circle.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, ElizabethAnne I do not even sense where you may have made a mistake...what I see is a woman (with the labs) who accepted your many kindnesses, and people addicted to them...and became enraged when she needed more than you could give. Look at the situation objectively--was she not thoughtlessly,unconsciously bingeing everywhere in her life, without thought of the consequences? Could your giving have stopped this? Could have anything stopped her?</p><p></p><p>Is it realistic to expect that she will participate in the truthseeking, responsibility-taking process? Does she want to? Are you willing to limit your expectations to what might be probable? </p><p></p><p>As I write this I remember a painful event of 45 years ago, that has always stayed with me. I was a very young woman living on my own and working in a big City. I was staying in one of those women's residences that were soon to go by the wayside, with the societal changes that were soon to arrive. There was an older woman resident who had a physical disability, perhaps it was a stroke, or maybe some kind of palsy. But the result was she could not speak well, or eat properly...you get the picture. I was kind to her. Why? Because I am kind. She came to demand my kindness. Being kind, and young, and without defenses, I felt no way to protect myself from her demands, and her anger. I withdrew. She became angry. Dramatically angry. In effect, she threw fits. If I did not sit with her to eat. She cried. The more she did this the more I stayed away, and the farther away I stayed. </p><p></p><p>This was a powerful lesson for a young woman. For many years I was very, very careful about offering kindness to vulnerable people UNLESS there was some way out, that did not involve the need to set a boundary. Because I had learned once in-- needy people sometimes do not let you out....without punishment.</p><p></p><p>I find it more than a little interesting, that I felt myself unable to set boundaries, preferring instead to not let in people at all. </p><p></p><p>If your friend, or the woman in my example, interpret our actions as betrayals, who are we to argue? In your case, it appears you set a boundary....in my case....I ran from a situation I did not have the emotional tools to handle. I was hardly more than a girl. Give me a break...</p><p></p><p>To me, these people are not Scorpions, not cruel. But really, what is the difference? If we hold other people responsible...for our pain, whatever it is...is this not dangerous? </p><p></p><p>Maybe you and I are alike in this way....it is hard to bear that somebody near us feels we have caused them pain....But really why is this so hard to bear? Why is saying no such a capital offense?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 654589, member: 18958"] ElizabethAnne, I do not know how to tell a Scorpion, but I guess I know how to feel one. But, before I get there, I need to respond to something you wrote. We are not obligated to give people money, whether they are good or bad risks. I inherited a very little bit of money. How people know this, I am not sure. Since then i have been asked by people who are little more than strangers, for $5000 to pay legal fees for an adult child, $20000 for a down payment on a property, and $25000 to help someone avoid foreclosure.. In each case I was assured there would be no risk. The issue for me is not risk. It is boundaries and the fact that I am trying to learn to simplify and enrich my life. My goal is not to enmesh and take on problems that are not mine, or those of my loved ones. The woman facing foreclosure volunteered to forfeit her home, if she missed 2 payments. GREAT. Just want I want from life--to take away somebody's home to satisfy a debt. Are people NUTS? What I think is the common denominator is this. (I know this thanks to my boyfriend.) He says I present *falsely a picture of docility, generosity and goodness, and that people think they can do with me what they want and that I will make all their wishes come true. WONDERFUL. Thankfully, I am a bit more complicated than I look at first glance. What I want is to learn to live well. By that I mean, a little bit of pleasure and self esteem every day, and to make a nice home and life for myself and a man who is good to me. I have lived with ambition...and still have it....but I am trying to make it wait, for now. About how to distinguish between humans and scorpions. This is what Cedar wrote: None of us deserves punishment. What we do deserve is to be mistaken sometimes, and to be forgiven sometimes, and to forgive sincerely when we can, and not to be judged harshly or manipulated or tricked or pinched by those we allow into our inner circle. Honestly, ElizabethAnne I do not even sense where you may have made a mistake...what I see is a woman (with the labs) who accepted your many kindnesses, and people addicted to them...and became enraged when she needed more than you could give. Look at the situation objectively--was she not thoughtlessly,unconsciously bingeing everywhere in her life, without thought of the consequences? Could your giving have stopped this? Could have anything stopped her? Is it realistic to expect that she will participate in the truthseeking, responsibility-taking process? Does she want to? Are you willing to limit your expectations to what might be probable? As I write this I remember a painful event of 45 years ago, that has always stayed with me. I was a very young woman living on my own and working in a big City. I was staying in one of those women's residences that were soon to go by the wayside, with the societal changes that were soon to arrive. There was an older woman resident who had a physical disability, perhaps it was a stroke, or maybe some kind of palsy. But the result was she could not speak well, or eat properly...you get the picture. I was kind to her. Why? Because I am kind. She came to demand my kindness. Being kind, and young, and without defenses, I felt no way to protect myself from her demands, and her anger. I withdrew. She became angry. Dramatically angry. In effect, she threw fits. If I did not sit with her to eat. She cried. The more she did this the more I stayed away, and the farther away I stayed. This was a powerful lesson for a young woman. For many years I was very, very careful about offering kindness to vulnerable people UNLESS there was some way out, that did not involve the need to set a boundary. Because I had learned once in-- needy people sometimes do not let you out....without punishment. I find it more than a little interesting, that I felt myself unable to set boundaries, preferring instead to not let in people at all. If your friend, or the woman in my example, interpret our actions as betrayals, who are we to argue? In your case, it appears you set a boundary....in my case....I ran from a situation I did not have the emotional tools to handle. I was hardly more than a girl. Give me a break... To me, these people are not Scorpions, not cruel. But really, what is the difference? If we hold other people responsible...for our pain, whatever it is...is this not dangerous? Maybe you and I are alike in this way....it is hard to bear that somebody near us feels we have caused them pain....But really why is this so hard to bear? Why is saying no such a capital offense? [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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