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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654988" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You weren't a fool, SWOT. You were behaving with integrity. When the pieces were not fitting, you faced the issue square on. It isn't civility and closure we needed from our mothers. It was mothers we needed from our mothers.</p><p></p><p><em>But just look how you have changed the world in mothering your own children. We are talking for all time, here. Fine, well-mothered people who will parent with integrity and pass on a different legacy than the one you were given.</em></p><p></p><p>That is one of the things that bugged me half to death about my own kids. They had all those things I needed and did what they did, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Grrr...</p><p></p><p>There has to be some connection between what I wanted for my kids and FOO toxicity.</p><p></p><p>For that, I could hate them.</p><p></p><p>And I do, with a kind of grinding, relentless clanking of mechanical things. Of something, of hatred on automatic, then.</p><p></p><p>I think I will not honor whatever that toxicity was by allowing it to continue, even couched in metaphor.</p><p></p><p>Let go.</p><p> </p><p>My children are alive. We have what we have together, and I love having it.</p><p></p><p>That is enough.</p><p></p><p>difficult child son still is not talking to me.</p><p></p><p>Other than that, I meant.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p>A friend told me once that all families are dysfunctional to some extent. Ours were just way out there on the ragged edge. Maybe, if divorce had been more acceptable back in the day, the family would have fallen apart and things would have been so much better for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Our moms, too.</p><p></p><p>Every aspect of dysfunctional family systems will display evidence of the dysfunction. Funerals, obituaries, grievances carried over for years, automatic flare ups, thinly covered jealousies and resentments. Each of us will have been targeted when we were vulnerable. We will have learned it is best not to trust.</p><p></p><p>However much we might wish it, there is no closure.</p><p></p><p>The badness was mounted and enacted on purpose.</p><p></p><p>What we can take from our upbringings is the certainty that there <em>was </em>dysfunction. That understanding frees us from responsibility on many levels.</p><p></p><p>We need to see what is for what it is.</p><p></p><p>And let go.</p><p></p><p>It is never going to be alright. </p><p></p><p>So we can stop trying, then.</p><p></p><p><em>***</em></p><p></p><p>The other thing I wanted to mention regarding your FOOs condemnation is that this stuff they do isn't normal. There are families out there who do not condemn their own. And there are families out there who trip over each other's feet condemning their own.</p><p></p><p>Which is a pretty good description of enmeshment, when you think about it.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Your FOO isn't a normal family, SWOT. Like me, like all of us from dysfunctional families I suppose, we need to learn to expect that they are going to do what they do. Betray, demean, "prove" meaningless things from the past to justify a current position ~ pretty basically, live in the past, the toxic past.</p><p></p><p>I wish it could be different for us, but it isn't. Even when we are interacting with our FOOs, the games being played beneath the surface of it are toxic and can go no other direction.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Radical acceptance.</p><p></p><p>After what we have all been through with our children, after all we have had to learn to survive what is happening to them, taking an honest look at our families of origin is not really very difficult after all.</p><p></p><p>I wonder why we felt so responsible? An effort to pretend to a control that did not exist, I suppose. I never had that family I am missing. So...when I feel sad about it, I could interpret those feelings as a time to cherish myself for all that I never had.</p><p></p><p>It is an easy thing to go back and review the bad things that did happen. It is another kind of shame entirely to stand outside the window, watching and knowing others were valued <em>and had their dinner around the table, the candlelight reflected on their faces, their happy, loving faces.</em></p><p></p><p>Okay. Now we know where the dinner table imagery comes from, and we know what it means. Time for self-cherishing. Time for expressing wonder that I could come through what I have come through, and still wish for something so wonderful for myself.</p><p></p><p>That's human.</p><p></p><p>Beautiful core.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I think Copa posted something about looking through the window at people loving one another and feeling so much an outsider, too.</p><p></p><p>It must be a common theme among those of us who survived our abusive childhoods intact.</p><p></p><p>Good, good, good for us.</p><p></p><p>Loving, even if we only imagine what it must be like, is so much the better choice than hatred.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/sorrowsmiley2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sorrowsmiley2:" title="sorrow :sorrowsmiley2:" data-shortname=":sorrowsmiley2:" /></p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why I have that thing going on about white candles, too.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/choir.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":choir:" title="choir :choir:" data-shortname=":choir:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/9-07tears.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":9-07tears:" title="crying :9-07tears:" data-shortname=":9-07tears:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>It's hard to break away, hard to believe our experiences could have been meaningless ~ in the sense that there is no point, no purpose, no wisdom to be gleaned.</p><p></p><p>I always believed my mother could not help it ~ that she would have chosen something different if she could have.</p><p></p><p>That was never true either.</p><p></p><p>So isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>Nothing personal, just like we have always read about abuse.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is a lesson we can take away from this, too. That once we identify a behavior (even in ourselves) as abusive, there is no other point. There is nothing to understand. </p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they are abusers.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/vacuumsm.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":vacuumsm:" title="vacuumsm :vacuumsm:" data-shortname=":vacuumsm:" /></p><p></p><p>So here is me, putting all this away.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, everyone. A special thank you to you, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>We did good.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654988, member: 17461"] You weren't a fool, SWOT. You were behaving with integrity. When the pieces were not fitting, you faced the issue square on. It isn't civility and closure we needed from our mothers. It was mothers we needed from our mothers. [I]But just look how you have changed the world in mothering your own children. We are talking for all time, here. Fine, well-mothered people who will parent with integrity and pass on a different legacy than the one you were given.[/I] That is one of the things that bugged me half to death about my own kids. They had all those things I needed and did what they did, anyway. Grrr... There has to be some connection between what I wanted for my kids and FOO toxicity. For that, I could hate them. And I do, with a kind of grinding, relentless clanking of mechanical things. Of something, of hatred on automatic, then. I think I will not honor whatever that toxicity was by allowing it to continue, even couched in metaphor. Let go. My children are alive. We have what we have together, and I love having it. That is enough. difficult child son still is not talking to me. Other than that, I meant. :O) [I] [/I] A friend told me once that all families are dysfunctional to some extent. Ours were just way out there on the ragged edge. Maybe, if divorce had been more acceptable back in the day, the family would have fallen apart and things would have been so much better for all of us. Our moms, too. Every aspect of dysfunctional family systems will display evidence of the dysfunction. Funerals, obituaries, grievances carried over for years, automatic flare ups, thinly covered jealousies and resentments. Each of us will have been targeted when we were vulnerable. We will have learned it is best not to trust. However much we might wish it, there is no closure. The badness was mounted and enacted on purpose. What we can take from our upbringings is the certainty that there [I]was [/I]dysfunction. That understanding frees us from responsibility on many levels. We need to see what is for what it is. And let go. It is never going to be alright. So we can stop trying, then. [I]***[/I] The other thing I wanted to mention regarding your FOOs condemnation is that this stuff they do isn't normal. There are families out there who do not condemn their own. And there are families out there who trip over each other's feet condemning their own. Which is a pretty good description of enmeshment, when you think about it. :O) Your FOO isn't a normal family, SWOT. Like me, like all of us from dysfunctional families I suppose, we need to learn to expect that they are going to do what they do. Betray, demean, "prove" meaningless things from the past to justify a current position ~ pretty basically, live in the past, the toxic past. I wish it could be different for us, but it isn't. Even when we are interacting with our FOOs, the games being played beneath the surface of it are toxic and can go no other direction. It is what it is. Radical acceptance. After what we have all been through with our children, after all we have had to learn to survive what is happening to them, taking an honest look at our families of origin is not really very difficult after all. I wonder why we felt so responsible? An effort to pretend to a control that did not exist, I suppose. I never had that family I am missing. So...when I feel sad about it, I could interpret those feelings as a time to cherish myself for all that I never had. It is an easy thing to go back and review the bad things that did happen. It is another kind of shame entirely to stand outside the window, watching and knowing others were valued [I]and had their dinner around the table, the candlelight reflected on their faces, their happy, loving faces.[/I] Okay. Now we know where the dinner table imagery comes from, and we know what it means. Time for self-cherishing. Time for expressing wonder that I could come through what I have come through, and still wish for something so wonderful for myself. That's human. Beautiful core. :O) I think Copa posted something about looking through the window at people loving one another and feeling so much an outsider, too. It must be a common theme among those of us who survived our abusive childhoods intact. Good, good, good for us. Loving, even if we only imagine what it must be like, is so much the better choice than hatred. :sorrowsmiley2: Maybe that is why I have that thing going on about white candles, too. :choir: :9-07tears: It's hard to break away, hard to believe our experiences could have been meaningless ~ in the sense that there is no point, no purpose, no wisdom to be gleaned. I always believed my mother could not help it ~ that she would have chosen something different if she could have. That was never true either. So isn't that something. Nothing personal, just like we have always read about abuse. Maybe that is a lesson we can take away from this, too. That once we identify a behavior (even in ourselves) as abusive, there is no other point. There is nothing to understand. Abusers abuse because they are abusers. :vacuumsm: So here is me, putting all this away. Thanks, everyone. A special thank you to you, SWOT. We did good. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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