Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I need a plan for myself
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 618732" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This was the piece of advice that got me started on the process of emotional detachment: When we fix things, what we are really doing is twisting the kids one notch tighter into that parent dependent/parent resenting/parent blaming place they need to outgrow before they can take charge of their lives and move into true adulthood.</p><p></p><p>If you think about the things your adult son believes about you and about himself, I think you will glimpse a frightened little boy in there where, by this age, a grown man should be. Each time we handle something for our kids, whether it be offering them a place to stay ~ not out of the pleasure of their company, but out of the fear that they won't make it without our help ~ or handling anything else for them, we are keeping the adult a child who cannot then make his way in the world, learn from the experience, and mature.</p><p></p><p>This kind of thinking was an eye opener for me. Those parents here on the site who turned away from enabling their kids in any way were, soon enough, dealing with kids who were dealing pretty well with their own problems. By the time this happened, the parent was happy the child was handling himself better, but it was no longer the life or death involvement of enmeshment for that parent. Enmeshment is appropriate when the kids are little. Now, they have <u>and must lay claim to</u> the right and the responsibility of providing for their own needs.</p><p></p><p>Recovering posted for me one time that we can tell when we are enabling because, rather than giving freely and taking joy in the giving, we will resent it. To take it a step further, any interaction we feel resentment in doing is probably harming the adult child in the long run, too. </p><p></p><p>It isn't even that you should not have to help this adult son. It is that helping him in this way, helping him in ways he can manage, easily or not, on his own, is actually harming your child, is preventing him from meeting challenges, taking his lumps, and growing up.</p><p></p><p>Once I got that concept?</p><p></p><p>BOOM.</p><p></p><p>I was into detachment the next day.</p><p></p><p>An important piece of this is not to judge your son for where he is or what he is doing. both Recovering and Scott G posted about this. Initially, I didn't think I was judging. But boy, was I. So, make a conscious effort not to judge one thing about what your son is doing.</p><p></p><p>Love him, and let go.</p><p></p><p>Your son is fully capable of thinking his way out of this. Your task, as I see it, is to explain to him that FOR HIS OWN GOOD you are not stepping in, now or ever again. He may up the ante, trying to get you to re-engage. Hold steady. You are retraining him (and he is retraining himself) to be captain of his own ship.</p><p></p><p>This new way of seeing changed everything in my life.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 618732, member: 17461"] This was the piece of advice that got me started on the process of emotional detachment: When we fix things, what we are really doing is twisting the kids one notch tighter into that parent dependent/parent resenting/parent blaming place they need to outgrow before they can take charge of their lives and move into true adulthood. If you think about the things your adult son believes about you and about himself, I think you will glimpse a frightened little boy in there where, by this age, a grown man should be. Each time we handle something for our kids, whether it be offering them a place to stay ~ not out of the pleasure of their company, but out of the fear that they won't make it without our help ~ or handling anything else for them, we are keeping the adult a child who cannot then make his way in the world, learn from the experience, and mature. This kind of thinking was an eye opener for me. Those parents here on the site who turned away from enabling their kids in any way were, soon enough, dealing with kids who were dealing pretty well with their own problems. By the time this happened, the parent was happy the child was handling himself better, but it was no longer the life or death involvement of enmeshment for that parent. Enmeshment is appropriate when the kids are little. Now, they have [U]and must lay claim to[/U] the right and the responsibility of providing for their own needs. Recovering posted for me one time that we can tell when we are enabling because, rather than giving freely and taking joy in the giving, we will resent it. To take it a step further, any interaction we feel resentment in doing is probably harming the adult child in the long run, too. It isn't even that you should not have to help this adult son. It is that helping him in this way, helping him in ways he can manage, easily or not, on his own, is actually harming your child, is preventing him from meeting challenges, taking his lumps, and growing up. Once I got that concept? BOOM. I was into detachment the next day. An important piece of this is not to judge your son for where he is or what he is doing. both Recovering and Scott G posted about this. Initially, I didn't think I was judging. But boy, was I. So, make a conscious effort not to judge one thing about what your son is doing. Love him, and let go. Your son is fully capable of thinking his way out of this. Your task, as I see it, is to explain to him that FOR HIS OWN GOOD you are not stepping in, now or ever again. He may up the ante, trying to get you to re-engage. Hold steady. You are retraining him (and he is retraining himself) to be captain of his own ship. This new way of seeing changed everything in my life. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I need a plan for myself
Top