mstang67chic
Going Green
Actually Shari....where are you? Maybe we could visit each other and help out on the weekends!!! (Only partially kidding)
I need advice/direction/help starting a difficult conversation.
- Thread starter Shari
- Start date
My house is the same way. A mess. I absolutely hate it and am making changes, but by the time I get one thing done, and before I can see any great differences, the things I have cleaned up are a mess again. I think we can chalk this up to stress. I am truly not a lazy person. I work, I do yard work, housework, and yet it never does get really organized. I am tired and stressed during the week and have some health issues, so energy like I would like to have is also an issue, but my difficult child is very lazy and getting her to do anything is a full-fledged battle. I have to get in the habit of cleaning up right after dinner, right after I start a project. I also need to start setting more realistic goals. My eyes see that so much needs to be done, which makes me frustrated and then physically I can't get it all done, so then I am really frustrated. I always say if I could get it cleaned up, then I could keep it up. That might not be such a true statement either. I know it will be much better when I am living by myself again.
nvts
Active Member
I'll tell you this...it wasn't the mess that finalized my situation...it was his mistress - the TV and video games.
We had words the Monday before Memorial Day weekend and I told him flat out that I knew he's had a mistress all throughout our marriage. That mistress was himself! Whatever effected him had to be done - it it effected ANYBODY else, me or the kids, it didn't matter.
Don't let it fester...we're seperated because I got ambivilent.
Beth
We had words the Monday before Memorial Day weekend and I told him flat out that I knew he's had a mistress all throughout our marriage. That mistress was himself! Whatever effected him had to be done - it it effected ANYBODY else, me or the kids, it didn't matter.
Don't let it fester...we're seperated because I got ambivilent.
Beth
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
I had this conversation with my husband. I started the conversation outside of the house - it was a respite weekend for the tweedles. We discussed the "home front" & how I couldn't let people in because of the nonstop tweedle mess & husband just joining in for giggles. by the way, he wasn't the worst slob before I married him - just your basic general male.
We concluded the common areas of the house & our bedroom would be clean & he would help & help the tweedles with chores assigned along with me. His office was off limits & had a sign I made "Enter at Your Own Risk" on the door. Same with the tweedles rooms. So it was the upstairs that was off limits to visitors (kind of tough with company because we frequently could have used the 2nd bathroom.
After wm was placed into a group home husband started taking more pride but hung onto every little thing.
Suffice it to say when husband died & I needed to remodel so I could live here with-o physical help three 30 yard dumpsters of garbage from upstairs especially & the rest of the house was "cleaned out" (while I was paying for those dumpsters). You are all welcome to come visit.
Shari, I had to place my priorities in line.....I was okay with the entry & common areas being livable so visitors could enter with-o my being embarassed. It is always a work in progress....
Now kt & I have assigned end of day "trouble" spots that we take care of before bed. kt takes care of the recycling & taking out the garbage. I check for any dishes hanging out in the living room or my art studio. I wipe down counters while kt sweeps the kitchen floor.
I'll put the coffee on....
We concluded the common areas of the house & our bedroom would be clean & he would help & help the tweedles with chores assigned along with me. His office was off limits & had a sign I made "Enter at Your Own Risk" on the door. Same with the tweedles rooms. So it was the upstairs that was off limits to visitors (kind of tough with company because we frequently could have used the 2nd bathroom.
After wm was placed into a group home husband started taking more pride but hung onto every little thing.
Suffice it to say when husband died & I needed to remodel so I could live here with-o physical help three 30 yard dumpsters of garbage from upstairs especially & the rest of the house was "cleaned out" (while I was paying for those dumpsters). You are all welcome to come visit.
Shari, I had to place my priorities in line.....I was okay with the entry & common areas being livable so visitors could enter with-o my being embarassed. It is always a work in progress....
Now kt & I have assigned end of day "trouble" spots that we take care of before bed. kt takes care of the recycling & taking out the garbage. I check for any dishes hanging out in the living room or my art studio. I wipe down counters while kt sweeps the kitchen floor.
I'll put the coffee on....
DDD
Well-Known Member
A year ago or so I finally decided I had to have help. I started asking my customers if they knew anyone who cleaned houses (my customers are all men so I didn't worry about the details..lol). Two men knew women who supplemented their income that way and at very veryreasonable rates. It has made life bearable just having someone else do the bathrooms and the kitchen once every two weeks. With the economy the way it is perhaps you can find someone too. DDD
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
Thanks, all.
I'm not looking for Better Homes and Gardens or anything like that...I'd just like to not have food remnants everywhere and be expected to either live with it or clean it up all the time. We are busy people with a difficult child, and I expect the house to reflect that.
And I guess I at least expect him to be able to contribute an hour a day to the house, since not a day goes by that he's not in front of a screen for at least 3...(yesterday, a Monday...he put in 5 hours in front of the tube).
He bought a $5000 zero turn 70" cut lawnmower so he could mow the yard faster. So, now, he mows faster - but only where the giant thing will fit - and the rest looks like a hobo shack til I go whack it down by hand or with the weed eater. Yeah, its faster. And what does he do with that saved time? I have no idea. Yard looks 10 times worse.
He has never been responsible for his own place. His folks' place is as disgusting as ours (if not worse) so I know part of it was growing up like that. But he despises their place and says when "we have a new house", we'll do this or that. I believe that as much as I believe husband will fly the space shuttle. He can't keep the CAMPER clean for a weekend, and it IS nice. When we first moved in together, he helped me. Now, his help is only as much attention as he can spare while keeping the tv on.
I was a single mom with 2 young teen boys and an infant/toddler and my house was WAY cleaner and more presentable then than it is now. I think that speaks volumes about the situation, I just don't know how to address it. I don't want to split up over a clean house, but really, there are times that if DFS came in, I think they'd be coming back...and I'm not gonna lose my family over his Broom Closet habits (because he HAS gotten DFS called on us a couple of times - nothing has ever come of it, not even an interview, but still...)
I'm not looking for Better Homes and Gardens or anything like that...I'd just like to not have food remnants everywhere and be expected to either live with it or clean it up all the time. We are busy people with a difficult child, and I expect the house to reflect that.
And I guess I at least expect him to be able to contribute an hour a day to the house, since not a day goes by that he's not in front of a screen for at least 3...(yesterday, a Monday...he put in 5 hours in front of the tube).
He bought a $5000 zero turn 70" cut lawnmower so he could mow the yard faster. So, now, he mows faster - but only where the giant thing will fit - and the rest looks like a hobo shack til I go whack it down by hand or with the weed eater. Yeah, its faster. And what does he do with that saved time? I have no idea. Yard looks 10 times worse.
He has never been responsible for his own place. His folks' place is as disgusting as ours (if not worse) so I know part of it was growing up like that. But he despises their place and says when "we have a new house", we'll do this or that. I believe that as much as I believe husband will fly the space shuttle. He can't keep the CAMPER clean for a weekend, and it IS nice. When we first moved in together, he helped me. Now, his help is only as much attention as he can spare while keeping the tv on.
I was a single mom with 2 young teen boys and an infant/toddler and my house was WAY cleaner and more presentable then than it is now. I think that speaks volumes about the situation, I just don't know how to address it. I don't want to split up over a clean house, but really, there are times that if DFS came in, I think they'd be coming back...and I'm not gonna lose my family over his Broom Closet habits (because he HAS gotten DFS called on us a couple of times - nothing has ever come of it, not even an interview, but still...)
I have to say this thread has reassured me some. Even though I have spoken to DHS and they say that our home would NOT demand visits or investigation I am still getting an unbelievable amt of heat from my parents/brother. Not so much my dad because he rarely says much. He does LOVE to give directions on how to do things even if he has NEVER personally done them (like plant a garden or keep a kitchen clean or even sew a hem or shirt). But my mother and bro have both climbed on husband and I this year because we are too messy.
Most of what they say is that NO ONE else in the world is as messy as we are. Our difficult child doesn't live here but we have spent the last several years with many hours devoted to therapy, appts and a daughter sick enough that she cannot even walk around in a store. She falls. A lot.. Yes, keeping things neater would help. We cannot afford a storage unit. We have tried. There are some things we cannot afford to repurchase if we let them go so they stay. We have no shed or garage or other outdoor storage. It makes it really hard. This is one of bro's holier than thou issues. His house is immaculate, even at the expense of his child. Literally. There are times he brags about keeping her up until 11 pm at night to help him clean. He also has not 1 but 3 outbuildings. One is falling down, but he still has stuff stored in it. Even with this much storage he has pallets all over the property wrapped in tarps to "protect" the stuff in them. If we try that he accuses us of creating a "slum" in our yard.
We DO work on the house. None of us are any good at organizing. My mother has promised and begged to help. I have set up dates and times and she cancels each one. Usually because my bro has a crisis.
It is nice to know I am not as far out as I am accused of being. I sometimes feel I have absolutely no idea what normal is. The training I have received from my family is that nothing I do is good enough to be called even abnormal. So, while I wish none of us had these problems, thanks for letting me know I am not so far below par as to be unlovable. I love all of you, regardless of how clean your homes are. Don't be embarrassed if I come over. I won't pass judgment and I am not there to evaluate your housekeeping!
Most of what they say is that NO ONE else in the world is as messy as we are. Our difficult child doesn't live here but we have spent the last several years with many hours devoted to therapy, appts and a daughter sick enough that she cannot even walk around in a store. She falls. A lot.. Yes, keeping things neater would help. We cannot afford a storage unit. We have tried. There are some things we cannot afford to repurchase if we let them go so they stay. We have no shed or garage or other outdoor storage. It makes it really hard. This is one of bro's holier than thou issues. His house is immaculate, even at the expense of his child. Literally. There are times he brags about keeping her up until 11 pm at night to help him clean. He also has not 1 but 3 outbuildings. One is falling down, but he still has stuff stored in it. Even with this much storage he has pallets all over the property wrapped in tarps to "protect" the stuff in them. If we try that he accuses us of creating a "slum" in our yard.
We DO work on the house. None of us are any good at organizing. My mother has promised and begged to help. I have set up dates and times and she cancels each one. Usually because my bro has a crisis.
It is nice to know I am not as far out as I am accused of being. I sometimes feel I have absolutely no idea what normal is. The training I have received from my family is that nothing I do is good enough to be called even abnormal. So, while I wish none of us had these problems, thanks for letting me know I am not so far below par as to be unlovable. I love all of you, regardless of how clean your homes are. Don't be embarrassed if I come over. I won't pass judgment and I am not there to evaluate your housekeeping!
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Bovine manure, I'll send you some pictures to show them. I am well acquainted with messy people. LOL
You're as normal as I am, Susie. Maybe more so...
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
My house is now...normal messy! Lived in!
I have the holes in the walls from when I was in my hole punching days. Cory did a few of them too but mostly me. I dont have any outbuildings so everything needing storing is in the house. There is a full sized mattress in my living room...lol, along with some kids toys. Thats ok, Keyana uses it to jump on. What do I care, Im a grandma and the Queen isnt coming to dinner!
My floors have been vacuumed and the kitchen is clean. My bedroom is mine and is messy. I dont make my bed. I dont see a point because Im getting back in it several times a day and then at night. I no longer have ashtrays and all that nasty cigarette junk around. You will find clothes that need folding in the laundry room though. I cant keep up. I think thats ok.
I think I am pretty normal now...thanks to Cory! LOL.
I have the holes in the walls from when I was in my hole punching days. Cory did a few of them too but mostly me. I dont have any outbuildings so everything needing storing is in the house. There is a full sized mattress in my living room...lol, along with some kids toys. Thats ok, Keyana uses it to jump on. What do I care, Im a grandma and the Queen isnt coming to dinner!
My floors have been vacuumed and the kitchen is clean. My bedroom is mine and is messy. I dont make my bed. I dont see a point because Im getting back in it several times a day and then at night. I no longer have ashtrays and all that nasty cigarette junk around. You will find clothes that need folding in the laundry room though. I cant keep up. I think thats ok.
I think I am pretty normal now...thanks to Cory! LOL.
trinityroyal
Well-Known Member
The inside of my house is relatively under control, just the usual clutter of books, toys etc.
However, you don't want to set foot in the basement IF you can even squeeze past the pile of flotsam sitting at the bottom of the basement stairs. In my efforts to keep the rest of the house in some sort of order, I have been known to hurl things down the basement stairs and shut the door on them. The owner of whatever-it-is is then responsible find it and deploy or dispose of it in the manner they see fit.
And, my back yard has a convoy of wheelbarrows and garden carts, a deflated portable pool, assorted soccer balls and garden tools, hoses and patio furniture in various states of repair, and other assorted stuff. I joke with husband that all we need is a rusting car body, and we could be Sanford and Son. We've been meaning to put in a shed for years now, but until we get to it, I just try to keep the mess contained in one corner of the yard and piled as neatly as I can. We had a tarp over some of the stuff, but a tarp simply can't withstand a Canadian winter and it eventually disintegrated.
However, you don't want to set foot in the basement IF you can even squeeze past the pile of flotsam sitting at the bottom of the basement stairs. In my efforts to keep the rest of the house in some sort of order, I have been known to hurl things down the basement stairs and shut the door on them. The owner of whatever-it-is is then responsible find it and deploy or dispose of it in the manner they see fit.
And, my back yard has a convoy of wheelbarrows and garden carts, a deflated portable pool, assorted soccer balls and garden tools, hoses and patio furniture in various states of repair, and other assorted stuff. I joke with husband that all we need is a rusting car body, and we could be Sanford and Son. We've been meaning to put in a shed for years now, but until we get to it, I just try to keep the mess contained in one corner of the yard and piled as neatly as I can. We had a tarp over some of the stuff, but a tarp simply can't withstand a Canadian winter and it eventually disintegrated.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
I have a few random photos of some of the really disgusting stuff, Susie, I could send them to you...like the 5ft vanity counter in the bathroom covered in little tiny hairs from when he trims his beard. And we're talking covered...'unable to put a finger down without getting hair on it' covered....and anything on the counter was covered, also.
I was out of town Monday night. Just before I left, I started another load of laundry, which meant I left one load on the couch, not folded. I got home last night and its on the floor. He did not feed the dogs, so I fed them when I got home, and one pottied on the floor in the night (they usually eat much earlier). He cleaned it up this morning, but he opened the bedroom door and turned on the light so I'd be sure to see him do it (he's on summer hours at work, so he gets up an hour earlier now - it is a bit amazing he cleaned it up tho, that NEVER happens, even when its his dog).
We are going out of town this weekend trail riding and camping. I engineered a modification to the horse trailer that will allow us all to sleep in it, and he helped me start it a week ago. I told him I wanted to finish it last night, as I will have to clean up the trailer and get it packed by Thur night. What did he do? He went and bought his dad a $150 tractor umbrella yesterday after work, and went out to their house and assembled it and didn't come home til 930. His reason? His dad has to stay out of the sun and hay season is coming up. OK...great. But its pouring down rain, and is supposed to every day for the next 5 days! He's not going to be cutting hay, and we need the trailer ready by 5pm Friday if we're goiing on this outing that he wants to go on...
I think I'm going to make him clean it and pack it (and its metal shavings we have to clean up....its not like just dirt that we can get by without cleaning).
I don't think he's depressed. He got the mule and he's all about riding now. I think he just doesn't like housework, and he's gotten comfortable that I'll be around and now thinks he doesn't really have to do it.
And he's a creator, not a maintainer. He'll spend all day putting some cool contraption or funky lights he's come up with on a vehicle. He's been driving the "new" car since November and has yet to change the oil... "maintaining" isn't fun.
Welcome to adulthood, honey. How many cars is it gonna take before you realize, fun or not, you HAVE to maintain them? You're on number 3. (not evem counting lawnmowers and roofs - tho I haven't let the roof go long enuf to fall in yet...that seems a little too drastic)
I was out of town Monday night. Just before I left, I started another load of laundry, which meant I left one load on the couch, not folded. I got home last night and its on the floor. He did not feed the dogs, so I fed them when I got home, and one pottied on the floor in the night (they usually eat much earlier). He cleaned it up this morning, but he opened the bedroom door and turned on the light so I'd be sure to see him do it (he's on summer hours at work, so he gets up an hour earlier now - it is a bit amazing he cleaned it up tho, that NEVER happens, even when its his dog).
We are going out of town this weekend trail riding and camping. I engineered a modification to the horse trailer that will allow us all to sleep in it, and he helped me start it a week ago. I told him I wanted to finish it last night, as I will have to clean up the trailer and get it packed by Thur night. What did he do? He went and bought his dad a $150 tractor umbrella yesterday after work, and went out to their house and assembled it and didn't come home til 930. His reason? His dad has to stay out of the sun and hay season is coming up. OK...great. But its pouring down rain, and is supposed to every day for the next 5 days! He's not going to be cutting hay, and we need the trailer ready by 5pm Friday if we're goiing on this outing that he wants to go on...
I think I'm going to make him clean it and pack it (and its metal shavings we have to clean up....its not like just dirt that we can get by without cleaning).
I don't think he's depressed. He got the mule and he's all about riding now. I think he just doesn't like housework, and he's gotten comfortable that I'll be around and now thinks he doesn't really have to do it.
And he's a creator, not a maintainer. He'll spend all day putting some cool contraption or funky lights he's come up with on a vehicle. He's been driving the "new" car since November and has yet to change the oil... "maintaining" isn't fun.
Welcome to adulthood, honey. How many cars is it gonna take before you realize, fun or not, you HAVE to maintain them? You're on number 3. (not evem counting lawnmowers and roofs - tho I haven't let the roof go long enuf to fall in yet...that seems a little too drastic)
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Fran
Former desparate mom
Shari, I'm sorry to be late on this but my instinct is to approach this as a couple issue.
I would start with "honey, I am really embarassed with our home. Can you help me figure out a way that we could get things in order? We can't live like this and feel proud of our home. What can we do?"
I'm a fan of everything in a specific place. I hate not finding things. Car keys, shoes etc.
Anyhow, treating him like an adult and incorporating him into the solution always gets me more traction than waiting until I blow and everyone scatters.
Now my husband is very messy and absentminded as is difficult child. I over look a lot of it but I won't have clutter or mess. A lot of stuff husband wants and difficult child's things are put away in storage or put away in the attic or the back of the garage. We go to the dump frequently and the charity clothing box.
I knew my husband was scattered in his housekeeping, which is a kind way of saying he is messy so I try to understand that it's a learning process for him and difficult child. I haven't made a lot of progress but he does pitch in when I'm overwhelmed.
Good luck.
I would start with "honey, I am really embarassed with our home. Can you help me figure out a way that we could get things in order? We can't live like this and feel proud of our home. What can we do?"
I'm a fan of everything in a specific place. I hate not finding things. Car keys, shoes etc.
Anyhow, treating him like an adult and incorporating him into the solution always gets me more traction than waiting until I blow and everyone scatters.
Now my husband is very messy and absentminded as is difficult child. I over look a lot of it but I won't have clutter or mess. A lot of stuff husband wants and difficult child's things are put away in storage or put away in the attic or the back of the garage. We go to the dump frequently and the charity clothing box.
I knew my husband was scattered in his housekeeping, which is a kind way of saying he is messy so I try to understand that it's a learning process for him and difficult child. I haven't made a lot of progress but he does pitch in when I'm overwhelmed.
Good luck.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
Ditto, tho having 2 difficult child's and surviving multiple teenagers in a tiny house has taught me to adapt. I can deal with a lot. When I can't put a piece of bread on the counter to make a peanut butter sandwich, tho, that is too much.
I call it "giving things a home". We have had several sessions of it, largely outside the house, but even if that were successful, it would help. A year or so after he first moved in, he was always so upset cause the big boys didn't put stuff back, except there was no "back" for anything. So we spent a long weekend, the whole family, cleaning, throwing away, and organizing. Like items were stored together, and "homes" were created for everything. Braces were hung to put auto ramps on the wall, large hooks were installed for chains and booms, a shelving unit was put up for the battery chargers and power tools.
Never been put back since. I don't think the chains are even on our property. The shelves are full of pans, bags, and boxes of asorted screws, used parts, and tools that belong in the tool box. The ramps...one set is by the horse trailer, lying in the yard. Another set is leaning up against the back wall of the house. The other set is thrown in the weeds behind the shop.
The rolling deer stand he built in December? Still in the garage. Can't park a car inside if we need to. All mechanical work I've done has been on a sheet of plywood in the driveway.
Yet he will still holler if easy child 1 doesn't return something to the illogical place he found it prior to using it. I dont' care if easy child 1 lives with us or not, but I will be glad when he has his own space and stuff so husband can't blame him anymore. I think his inability to realize he contributes to it makes me as mad as the mess itself. I make a mess when I do projects or cook, too. But when I'm done for the day, or finished with the project, I pick my stuff up and put it away.
I'll keep trying. And if nothing else, I'll just can the stupid tv. That will free up at least 4 hours on Monday night with wrestling alone.
editted to add: A couple of weeks ago, he picked up some stuff from in front of the shop. There's a pile of scrap junk there. He sorted out the 4 or 5 remnants of one of easy child 1's project cars and threw them into the driveway. The 2 junk 3 wheeler frames/bodies/parts, the broken awning roller, the hood off of a 1960 Dodge pickup and the hood to easy child 1's car, and about 6 junk car tires on rims, and a tractor tire that won't hold air or fit any tractor we own were piled slightly to the right of the entrance to this building. "His" stuff....stuff that he will be keeping. Yet easy child 1's was tossed into the driveway cause its junk and he needs to clean it up.
I promise I'm not sitting her trying to think of things...its just....there's a myriad of instances and examples to choose from!
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Star*
call 911........call 911
For ONE WEEK - Write down what he does -
(ACTIVITY IS ?) Start time : _______Stop time:__________
Do the same for yourself -
At the end of ONE WEEK? Show him your chores done vs what he did. Add up the total time watching TV - doing selfish things when XX needs done and hand it to him - He can't deny facts. He can't argue facts.
Hugs - ps. I now get help in the kitchen and DF does almost all the cooking. He also for the first time in nearly 10 years mowed the lawn last year and twice already this year. PLUS he's cleaning his own pig-stye.
(ACTIVITY IS ?) Start time : _______Stop time:__________
Do the same for yourself -
At the end of ONE WEEK? Show him your chores done vs what he did. Add up the total time watching TV - doing selfish things when XX needs done and hand it to him - He can't deny facts. He can't argue facts.
Hugs - ps. I now get help in the kitchen and DF does almost all the cooking. He also for the first time in nearly 10 years mowed the lawn last year and twice already this year. PLUS he's cleaning his own pig-stye.
Shari
IsItFridayYet?
Did you do this to DF? I'm so on it, anyway...such a simple suggestion...
Tonight, he actually worked on the trailer. Yay! But its not done, so I'll be packing in a mad rush on Friday. Grrr.
AND - he wasn't happy about it, so it was a miserable 4 hour experience that's not over. I am wishing now I'd have just asked easy child 1 to help me finish it. For a myriad of reasons...the grumpy is just a small part...its not like this idea was mine or is my project...
And then I checked email and told him the group we are goiing with this weekend has decided to split meals and we are responsible for breakfast Saturday morning...then someone else does lunch for everyone, and someone else does dinner, etc...and he proceeded to gripe about how much its going to cost to feed breakfast to 14 people...
OMG, please. Breakfast for 14 is MUCH cheaper than 6 meals for 4...
Someone just shoot me...I'm obviously just WAY out there...
Tonight, he actually worked on the trailer. Yay! But its not done, so I'll be packing in a mad rush on Friday. Grrr.
AND - he wasn't happy about it, so it was a miserable 4 hour experience that's not over. I am wishing now I'd have just asked easy child 1 to help me finish it. For a myriad of reasons...the grumpy is just a small part...its not like this idea was mine or is my project...
And then I checked email and told him the group we are goiing with this weekend has decided to split meals and we are responsible for breakfast Saturday morning...then someone else does lunch for everyone, and someone else does dinner, etc...and he proceeded to gripe about how much its going to cost to feed breakfast to 14 people...
OMG, please. Breakfast for 14 is MUCH cheaper than 6 meals for 4...
Someone just shoot me...I'm obviously just WAY out there...
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