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Parent Emeritus
I Need some objective and experienced opinions.....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 599904" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>WTW, my thoughts on the subject are that regardless of what experts or ANYONE else says, we, the parents have to follow our gut, our intuition, our feelings about where to draw those lines, we are the one's actually in the trenches with our kids, we are the ones who have to live with our choices, no one else knows the terrain as we do. Not even all the therapists and authors and experts. This ground is clearly always shifting. YOU are the expert here.</p><p></p><p>In addition, I have found that each of us has to go to the limit we feel is right, we have to turn over every rock and try everything we feel is best, so that once all our options are exhausted and we honestly feel as if we have done everything to help our child, we can then detach and move away knowing we tried everything. I don't think detachment is possible without that knowledge. </p><p></p><p>You have a very good head on your shoulders, you have always thought everything through well and sought out advise and counsel with professionals and your group. This is no exception, you have good ideas. Your son is young, he is still not an adult, he is still not fully formed in his brain, so all of your ideas sound reasonable and right to me. As long as he has to tow the line, go to counseling, (perhaps you might make medication compliance a part of it too, and checking in with you once a week) as long as he works, gets good grades, you are forcing him to do his part. In the absence of that, and of course, he may immediately balk at your conditions and not be willing to do any of it, you will pull your support. You are setting boundaries, you are teaching him that life is about working towards goals with actual limits on behavior, you are teaching him how to be a grown up man. If your proposals don't get accepted, if he refuses, or if he just uses you for the money and doesn't do his end of the bargain, you will know soon enough and then you will understand on a deeper level just what you can and cannot do and what you can expect. </p><p></p><p>I support your plan. I support YOU. I think it all should be made perfectly clear, so you may want to write it up like a contract and have him sign it. They are masters at finding loopholes. "you never said that" "I don't remember saying I would work too" I know for a fact you said you would pay for my haircuts" Sigh. You know what I mean, they will play you any chance they get, so make it VERY, VERY clear without any loopholes, as if an attorney was drawing up a legal document, this way you have it written down and can give him a copy and you can refer to it when he 'forgets' that he said he would do something. Cagey as they are....................</p><p></p><p>Best of best to you WTW, I am right there in your corner, always. Many hugs and always wishes for peace for you and your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 599904, member: 13542"] WTW, my thoughts on the subject are that regardless of what experts or ANYONE else says, we, the parents have to follow our gut, our intuition, our feelings about where to draw those lines, we are the one's actually in the trenches with our kids, we are the ones who have to live with our choices, no one else knows the terrain as we do. Not even all the therapists and authors and experts. This ground is clearly always shifting. YOU are the expert here. In addition, I have found that each of us has to go to the limit we feel is right, we have to turn over every rock and try everything we feel is best, so that once all our options are exhausted and we honestly feel as if we have done everything to help our child, we can then detach and move away knowing we tried everything. I don't think detachment is possible without that knowledge. You have a very good head on your shoulders, you have always thought everything through well and sought out advise and counsel with professionals and your group. This is no exception, you have good ideas. Your son is young, he is still not an adult, he is still not fully formed in his brain, so all of your ideas sound reasonable and right to me. As long as he has to tow the line, go to counseling, (perhaps you might make medication compliance a part of it too, and checking in with you once a week) as long as he works, gets good grades, you are forcing him to do his part. In the absence of that, and of course, he may immediately balk at your conditions and not be willing to do any of it, you will pull your support. You are setting boundaries, you are teaching him that life is about working towards goals with actual limits on behavior, you are teaching him how to be a grown up man. If your proposals don't get accepted, if he refuses, or if he just uses you for the money and doesn't do his end of the bargain, you will know soon enough and then you will understand on a deeper level just what you can and cannot do and what you can expect. I support your plan. I support YOU. I think it all should be made perfectly clear, so you may want to write it up like a contract and have him sign it. They are masters at finding loopholes. "you never said that" "I don't remember saying I would work too" I know for a fact you said you would pay for my haircuts" Sigh. You know what I mean, they will play you any chance they get, so make it VERY, VERY clear without any loopholes, as if an attorney was drawing up a legal document, this way you have it written down and can give him a copy and you can refer to it when he 'forgets' that he said he would do something. Cagey as they are.................... Best of best to you WTW, I am right there in your corner, always. Many hugs and always wishes for peace for you and your family. [/QUOTE]
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