I so want to leave

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Dottienumber2, Feb 24, 2013.

  1. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    My deal
    cliff notes: long story. I am in terrible pain. My daughter thinks that I had an affair with her x. I was drugged and raped. He is from brazil and no where to be found. I now suppect thereis more to his history. My daughter called everyone who would listen to her and told them i had the affair. (ten years later) She has issues herself but beside that.. She wants me to apologize for what I did. My now husband thinks I should suck it up and say I did. If I had done that to my mother I would disown her too.

    I even had a polygraph taken to prove I didn't have an affair. A huge thing is no one seems to believe me. Not even my husband. He said maybe you did it. It was befor I knew you. Sick...

    I put what happen away and ignored it for over ten years and it poped up when my daughter was having trouble with a boy friend. I could not see anybenifit at the time telling my daughter what happened. I really could not then because I really could remember everything and it was like a dream and to horrible to tell any one. Too much time had pasted. They were married at the time and I just couldn't go there.

    Now I have repeated brake downs ie having to pull over in my car and just scream and cry until I can't anymore. I wear a hospital Mask at work and no one can see the tear just come while I am working without anyone seeing. Sad corellation is that I was sexually taken advantage of from about 6- 12 by a brother 6 years older than me. When I told a third grade teacher how I had so many brusised she just made a face at me. To this day no one believes that I didn't have a part in both of this messes. The time frame does not make sense why I didn't say anything and why I couldnt put things together to op. This time I was drugged and and totally like a deer in headlights I did not see it coming!!!! My mother on the other hand when I asked why she didn't come to my aid was because she said it was just normal kid stuff. No. It was not normal. She let it happen. I was drugged I could not defend myself again.

    The only tiny window I have to connect with my daughter is her email. Knowing my daughter. She would love to put it on a face book etc. I don't want to explain this to the world.

    She has eating disorders etc. my other daughter is bound not to tell me anything bAbout her but does. She tells me I should just leave her go that she has issues. Although they both have played me for the Single parent And had a messed up divorced childhood. The youngest at 36 is a sweetheart but I know I am buying her love to keep it open to keep them both. WHen I stopped handing out money is when they pull back

    Now I an with a man that his son hate me too. His dad puts him before me. One example is we w Ere married and I asked that his son please knock before he came in so i Would be dressed. his son came running in and I ran into him square commando I thought it was his dad and scReamed not realizing who it was him with a baseball cap on. His dad thought it was funny even though he does not want me to wear low tops or too tight of pants.
    His sons story is I am in right after his mom left his dad at age 16. I was the enemy no mater how I tried. I tried to kill him with kindness but you can't best a millionaire dad. He is so jealous that I get things he doesn't get. Which isn't true. His dad has given him almost 100k for him to play with that has not worked out. Why should he work. Like his dad said he is going to b a very rich man someday.

    His son is a thug drop out and waiting to collect the millions that his dad has. His dad makes sure he is taken care of and doesn't work. SomehoW the kid has a nice girlfriend in pre medication. I suspect My husband may be paying her scHool bills to have his son keep her. His son and the girlfriend will not talk or be friendlY at all to me. I have been told they only have to be respectful to me. But duh. That means talking.

    Liam told that I have to be the adult but at 24 and 20 they should b able to carry on a conversation. I work in the public and have no problem talking to anyone. My people bring me gifts, sent things they think I would like, most now I love history so they give me books send re reciepes on and on. I am a big time giver and so looked forward to having an extended family. The rest of my husbands family really likes me as far as I know. It's just the most important people in my life, my girls and what I thought would b my family .
    If I give up does that make them right... Just go away
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  2. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    I am a very quiet person and it's hard for me to make friends at this age. To lose my daughter, his son hates me all my husbands friends are spike high heels fake boobs elitist. My family is my life . I met the kids dad at 15 married at 19 I left the kids alcholic cheating dad at, a country girl. Waitresses got a degree and raised my girls. I did my best.
    My personality is very warm and giving which seems like an easy target. My oldest even told me I had no balls..... As she asked me for my tiny retirement money for an idea she had. That proved I didn't trust her and not a good mom. Right.

    My husband stayed at a neutral state when all this was going down which sent messages to my girls that he thought I was wrong. Which gave them more thunder against me.
    My now husband keeps me apart from his son because he said I scared him for life because after he had broken into the house and stolen credit card, jewelry, booze etc. I tried to ask him who the boys where that he had here that may have stolen it. I felt unsafe due to it . They both said I yelled at him and he got in my face and his dad let him. He was about 17- 18 atl the time . He is 24& now and still hates me. His dad convinceD me to marry him that his son would grow up and go to collage. He flunked out of all schools and his daD is supporting him.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  3. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    not in order!!!! There are two posts

    my husband said he would divorce me if I didn't sign tax papers again now my credit is ruined by over 100k IRS leans. Insult to injury. I am sure he did this to distroy me if I left him. My girls have never liked him but have been very respectful to him.

    I asked my husband why he even keeps me. He said I am a good write off and h.e like to be seen with me. But if I left no big deal. He would not waste time crying and would just get another younger and better one but just would never marry her.

    I would love to find someone that I could laugh and have a good time with that would be one my side.

    I have met many good friend I thought but as soon as they find the love of their life they are too busy which as it should be. I need my own life. I have had the best 2 friends that are (dead). I work in a small world of younger people. No one wants a whinner in their life.. I would have to post for a friend to talk to or pay someone to talk to. That would cost me what little I have for retirement at now 61 he is 56. Oh and he does not charge me room and board.

    Alot of women would love all the things that I have. I admit I married him because at the time he seemed so devoted. But I didn't see the wwhole picture. I did not marry him for money I was doing ok myself. Although I see why people think I must have. We are not on the same page. My daughter amplifys my alone ness not talking to me.I know I can't expect my girls to b my world.

    Back to the main hurt. Her birthday last week was a killer. Do I wish I were dead. I might as well be if I could. The worst I did not do was not tell her something that would hurt her i didnt want him to win by her x hurting her more. So i was quiet. I just can not tell her the truth. I told my other daughter what happened. She didn't want to hear it. I asked her if she would show her sister the polygraph papers she would not. She did say she told her and she does not care. And she does not want to b in the middle. At this point she just tell me that her sister is ok but messed up and really doesn't want anything to do with her. But does not ever want to lose her. She wishes she had a normal sister.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi, I'mtruly sorry you are suffering so much. Iwish you could just leave. He sounds very manipulative and abusive. could you call a domestic abuse center for support?
     
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hi, Dottie. I am genuinely sorry that your life seems to be in turmoil. Sometimes things just go wrong no matter how hard we try and want everyone to be happy and loving. Your posts sound as though you have had a number of painful relationships that are haunting you right. now. Have you sought out professional help? A therapist or a psychiatrist or maybe a general therapist who will listen and help guide you to a happier life? Obviously you are not a bad person. You are evidently liked and respected by many people. on the other hand, it sounds like you need someone on your side to help guide you through these times. I'm sending caring thoughts you way and hoping you can find the right support.DDD
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I worked at a domestic abuse shelter (volunteer) for a short while, just long enough to learn that many people who are abused as children repeat the pattern over and over again a nd then put up with it because they think they deserve it. Your daughters, husband and his son treat your like dirt and I'm shocked at them all, but that doesn't mean YOU did anything wrong! You didn't! I would go to a domestic abuse shelter to talk to the therapist and seriously consider leaving this dufus of a husband. I live in Wisconsin. If you are near me, drop me a private message. I would be happy to be your friend and on your side. I will be sixty on my next birthday and I feel like I have a lot of life ahead of me and so do you! Why should you waste it on those who abuse you? If you can leave, I would leave and if you can afford it (hub must owe you something for the marriage) go to a healing, soothing place and start a life of peace, harmony and new friends.or I should say friends. Ignore your daughter's references to this event that never happened. If you want to e-mail with her, don't take the bait when she brings it up and only write about less contentious things and maybe make it short and sweet.
    It is never to late to turn your fortunes around. I'm trying hard myself to build a life that does not involve working anymore since I lost my last job in a very troubling way and don't think I want to do the work thing anymore. I am changing everything ABOUT my life to make it hopefully better. I know you can do it too!!!! I've learned that a big extended family really doesn't mean much if you don't love each other. Your true family in my opinion is who loves and respects and appreciates you. Blood means very little in that department. I wanted a big, warm, loving family too once until I noticed that most of the ones that were supposedly like that had so much drama a nd fighting in the background...and a lot of dissension. I stopped wanting that and enjoy my husband and three of my children and my dear friends. My best friend died at 50 of breast cancer...I miss her still...so I know how hard it is to lose a loved one that way. She was more a sister to me than my sister EVER was. I hope my rambling makes some sense here. Do NOT let toxic people destroy me. Even our kids can be toxic. If they are, sometimes we need to move on or at least distance our thoughts from them...we call it Detachment here.
    It is hard for me to make friends and always has been, but I'm doing it and at age 59. You can do it too! I'm very shy and socially inept...lol. :)
    in my opinion if you go away it makes you SMART!!!! Who cares what THEY think? It's time to become more me-focused and all that matters is what is good for YOU, not what they may think. I have learned to get the hello out of any situation that is bad for me and that has greatly improved my life. I hope you have access to a good therapist who can help you do this, and I also hope that you do this...leave. It is vile that your husband stuck up for your daughter's horrible allegations. I don't know how you can look at him! Kiss him good-bye!!!
    Gentle hugs!
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dottie, welcome. I am so sorry to read about all of your sorrows and pain. You are not being treated well by those you love the most, you certainly deserve more. I think the best advice I can offer is for you to find a counselor, therapist, clergy, someone whom you trust, so you can talk the various issues out and begin untangling them so you can find options for you to get to a place where you feel good about yourself. The relationships you are presently in seem abusive and punitive, places where it not only isn't safe for you, but where you are in a sense held hostage by fear. Many of those surrounding you seem unhealthy at best and toxic at their worst, so although it seems like you have no options, I believe if you could take one small step at a time, get support, talk it out with a professional, you will likely find ways to extricate yourself from these connections which are hurting you so much. Sometimes we need to detach ourselves from those around us in order to find ourselves. You're in a tough place and I'm sorry you find yourself there, get some support for yourself, find a safe place where you can express all your feelings to someone who can help you look at your options. Take care of YOU now. Sending you supportive hugs..........
     
  8. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    I met him when he needed a lot. He was a strange bird. He was a big project. I am a huge organizer and clean freak it took me 5 years to hit bottom of his home. I even taught him how to clean himself. He is a catch now. I have had people come and shake my hand and say I don't know what you did to him but he is almost human. He misses a lot of social cues but owns about 20 company's . I think he has one of those syndrome asbergers. He said at one time he was add or something. I have always been very patient with him. Sometimes he just doesn't get it. He is from new york and has that very sarcastic snide sneering side that kills me. I see a lot now that that resembles a lot of what I grew up with. I see the cycle. Ugh. Took me to this age to get it. I am always defending myself. So many things I don't know.what would it be like to live with someone that was open and loving. Is it possible?

    i live in a big nice house now and travel but would b very happy in my little place with someone that thinks I am the best!

    Thanks for your guys input. There is lot more to every story and I am aware that it is not a two way street that I made the choices that got me here but if you don't know want you don't know you just don't know! I have been reading a lot about grown kid problems etc. so much to digest so little time to live. I am seeing a place called the legacy place in a week. I have seen some councilors that I could see through their eyes that they don't buy my past.why????? One compared me to Lucy wa we aw aw aw. He is leaving his church and his minister got fired. Maybe they got caught making fun of their people. !!


    When my daughter first left she was emailing my husband and telling him was like the dad she never had. That was bs!!! She didn't like him. He just had power. The point was he should not have been enjoying the time with her as if I did not exist. I wrote her and told her if she could not talk to me she should not talk to my husband. Maybe I should not have said that. But I think my husband should have said hey wait.... You need to talk to your mom and i believe she would have never done what you thought!



    by the way I don't know what all the abbreviations mean but you say you live is wisconsin I live in indiana so now you will just need to relocate k Lol. Smile. Thx
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2013
  9. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    Can't believe you all deciphered all my stuff! Are you reading my mind? There has to b a lot of me's out there. Ia m tring not to add to the mess. Thanks for your caring!!!!!!
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Dottie...
    about those abbreviations...

    1) in the "site resources" forum, there's a page of definitions.
    2) if you're running from a computer and not a mobile, you'll notice a dotted underline beneath some of the terms. Hoover your mouse over that, and the definition pops up. For example: ADHD
     
  11. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    I just briefly read this link. Could it b.... My daughter and I were sooooo close that she is detaching for her own good. I have said that in some ways I am glad she is gone so she can live her own life which I believe she will do better with out me watching her. I was too much a big love to her we loved each othe so much I am glad she is on her own. She just did it in such a creepy way that she had to kill me to leave me. Maybe that was the only way she could leave me. I don't know how to let her know I still so adore her. I hope she knows she will never let me down. I know who she is. Sad we have to detach and be mean to go on living. Does this make sense to you?
    I would love to write something to her without her reading into it or feeing she owes me anything or shamed that she is not where she wants to be.
     
  12. Dottienumber2

    Dottienumber2 New Member

    I am on an iPad and I did not see thE site research forum just forum actions. Thx for the help. I don't think iPads hover. They are not as smart as they think they are.. Humm could b the operater. It keeps changing words I use grrr
     
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It sounds like you were able to take care of yourself prior to marying your husband. Now you say he has gotten you into a financial situation with the IRS lein and you can't leave him but would be happier with less and a nice guy. I strongly suggest that you not only get a therapist to hepl you with why you keep choosing men that are not good for you, but also a lawyer that can help you get untangled from this financial mess. The other thing you can do is divorce and then declare bankrupcy and start over again. You do have options but you need to get yourself stronger emotionally to be able to pursue them.

    As for your daughter I am so sorry that you feel such pain. There is little cure for the emotional loss of your offsprings affections. Unfortunately there is nothing more you can do. You have tried to mend the rift and she is unwilling. As hard as it is, you need to respect her wishes and begint o move on in your life. -RM
     
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