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I think I have hit the bottom...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 117552" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Having a father figure around like this - is not good. It doesn't matter how much they love him or even how much YOU love him, if he is being ineffectual and refusing to take any personal responsibility, he needs to be shown the door. Keeping him there is sending a message to your kids, that it is OK to behave like he is, and to treat you that way. he is modelling bad behaviour and they will copy it.</p><p></p><p>He also will not "get well" if he refuses to take any personal responsibility. He is blaming you. </p><p></p><p>I became physically disabled after a bloke at work did something he shouldn't have, and I was injured. For a long time, I blamed him. I didn't want to cross paths with him because I was afraid of what I would say or do to him. And while he WAS responsible, there was nothing I could have done to him that would make my disability go away.</p><p></p><p>I was not to blame for my disability, but while I continued to blame him, I was not getting any better, and was in fact dragging myself down into pits of depression and futility. And while I am still no better physically, I am a much better person in other ways because I have got up and kept going. I have got on with my life. I could have sat there and stagnated, continued my personal pity party, but instead I found something to do while waiting to get better.</p><p></p><p>He needs to step up to the plate, or get out. Blaming you is getting you down, is damaging you when you need to be raised up, not dragged down. How is his dumping on you and making you feel bad, doing him or he kids any good?</p><p></p><p>Al-anon may help, although ironically, you need the energy and the babysitter to let you get there. He doesn't have to be a certified alcoholic for them to be able to help you.</p><p></p><p>He doesn't want to get better because he doesn't need to get better. You're taking care of him; you're taking care of his kids. And whenever you start asking him to do more, all he has to do is dump a bit of guilt trip in y our direction, and the nasty nagging goes away again for a while longer. It all works beautifully - for him. he's got you right where it works for him. He also is not wanting to see any problems with the kids, unless he can convince you it's all your fault for not coping with them. He can't cope after all; he is not well, the kids are YOUR job. So if the kids are not happy or not doing well, then clearly (in his mind) it's your fault, you have let the family down by allowing this to happen.</p><p></p><p>It's part of the whole mind-set of this sort of person.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying it's exactly like everyone else, but this has very strong echoes of another board member, KFLD (Karen). Your comments about your husband sound so much like the way she used to talk about her husband. She loved him, she had a lot of time, energy and love invested in him, no way would she ask him to leave (or leave, herself) because too much time had gone by, they had been together too long and bad as things were, it would be worse apart. She leant on us all a lot in Watercooler, but is already a much stronger woman than I think she ever thought would be possible, going in to the situation.</p><p></p><p>Karen's situation is different, but in a lot of ways there are similarities. Her self-esteem had been pounded into the ground as part of HIS coping strategy to be able to continue doing things just the way HE wanted them. This is NOT HEALTHY for a family.</p><p></p><p>Karen's outcome need not be the same as your outcome. But this isn't necessarily a matter of your choice. Mostly, it is his. </p><p></p><p>I do think, for many reasons, you need to ask him to help. And I think you also need to make it clear that NOT helping is not an option, because the last thing you need is a husband adding to your load instead of lightening it. The kids you have are trouble enough; you do not need to parent yet another. It sets a bad example to the kids, and it uses up far too much of your own very limited energy.</p><p></p><p>He may wake up to himself and step up to the plate. Or he may not. But it needs to be HIS decision. </p><p></p><p>So no more guilt, please. You are already doing a superhuman task, carrying his burden too. If he leaves, that is one burden less.</p><p></p><p>Addictions can be managed. But the addict has to choose to do so. And any attempts to pass blame to anybody else - not acceptable. So don't take delivery - send his package of guilt addresses 'return to sender".</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 117552, member: 1991"] Having a father figure around like this - is not good. It doesn't matter how much they love him or even how much YOU love him, if he is being ineffectual and refusing to take any personal responsibility, he needs to be shown the door. Keeping him there is sending a message to your kids, that it is OK to behave like he is, and to treat you that way. he is modelling bad behaviour and they will copy it. He also will not "get well" if he refuses to take any personal responsibility. He is blaming you. I became physically disabled after a bloke at work did something he shouldn't have, and I was injured. For a long time, I blamed him. I didn't want to cross paths with him because I was afraid of what I would say or do to him. And while he WAS responsible, there was nothing I could have done to him that would make my disability go away. I was not to blame for my disability, but while I continued to blame him, I was not getting any better, and was in fact dragging myself down into pits of depression and futility. And while I am still no better physically, I am a much better person in other ways because I have got up and kept going. I have got on with my life. I could have sat there and stagnated, continued my personal pity party, but instead I found something to do while waiting to get better. He needs to step up to the plate, or get out. Blaming you is getting you down, is damaging you when you need to be raised up, not dragged down. How is his dumping on you and making you feel bad, doing him or he kids any good? Al-anon may help, although ironically, you need the energy and the babysitter to let you get there. He doesn't have to be a certified alcoholic for them to be able to help you. He doesn't want to get better because he doesn't need to get better. You're taking care of him; you're taking care of his kids. And whenever you start asking him to do more, all he has to do is dump a bit of guilt trip in y our direction, and the nasty nagging goes away again for a while longer. It all works beautifully - for him. he's got you right where it works for him. He also is not wanting to see any problems with the kids, unless he can convince you it's all your fault for not coping with them. He can't cope after all; he is not well, the kids are YOUR job. So if the kids are not happy or not doing well, then clearly (in his mind) it's your fault, you have let the family down by allowing this to happen. It's part of the whole mind-set of this sort of person. I'm not saying it's exactly like everyone else, but this has very strong echoes of another board member, KFLD (Karen). Your comments about your husband sound so much like the way she used to talk about her husband. She loved him, she had a lot of time, energy and love invested in him, no way would she ask him to leave (or leave, herself) because too much time had gone by, they had been together too long and bad as things were, it would be worse apart. She leant on us all a lot in Watercooler, but is already a much stronger woman than I think she ever thought would be possible, going in to the situation. Karen's situation is different, but in a lot of ways there are similarities. Her self-esteem had been pounded into the ground as part of HIS coping strategy to be able to continue doing things just the way HE wanted them. This is NOT HEALTHY for a family. Karen's outcome need not be the same as your outcome. But this isn't necessarily a matter of your choice. Mostly, it is his. I do think, for many reasons, you need to ask him to help. And I think you also need to make it clear that NOT helping is not an option, because the last thing you need is a husband adding to your load instead of lightening it. The kids you have are trouble enough; you do not need to parent yet another. It sets a bad example to the kids, and it uses up far too much of your own very limited energy. He may wake up to himself and step up to the plate. Or he may not. But it needs to be HIS decision. So no more guilt, please. You are already doing a superhuman task, carrying his burden too. If he leaves, that is one burden less. Addictions can be managed. But the addict has to choose to do so. And any attempts to pass blame to anybody else - not acceptable. So don't take delivery - send his package of guilt addresses 'return to sender". Marg [/QUOTE]
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