I think I messed up (long vent)

[Woofens]

AS most of you know, easy child S broke her nose last week. She missed some school because of it, and the surgery last Monday. Well, difficult child J refused to go to school Tuesday AM because S wasn't going. Full blown rage, kicking screaming, head butting, name calling. He has already missed 19.5 days this year, and we are only allowed 20 per year. School refusal, to us, means a trip back to psychiatric hospital. Well, his (alcoholic doesn't think there is anything wrong with difficult child) father is totally against him going back to psychiatric hospital. So I called dad Tuesday morning. Your son is refusing to go to school, I need your help. He says what do you want me to do? I said get over here and take him. He says no, this is your problem, you did this to him, your bad parenting made him this way, and I'm not going to get out of bed to take him to school. I told him that was fine but I didn't want to hear a single word when difficult child ended up back in psychiatric hospital. He tells me I am not to re-admit him. I said then come do something. He refused. I ended the conversation by telling him he was pretty much worthless and hanging up on him.

Then... (this was my mess up) I proceeded to tell the kids the whole truth about their dad. How his drinking is more important to him than they are, how he blows them off because he is hung over, that they don't stay the night at his house because then he can't drink. I know I shouldn't have but I was just at the end of my rope.

difficult child J did go to school, but only when Mike was calling in someone to cover for him to take him to school.

Well, this is the kids weekend to go with their dad. Yesterday, difficult child got up and asked if he could go to work with Mike for the day. We reminded him that this was dad's weekend, and he said he didn't care. easy child S had a birthday party to go to, and wanted to do that instead. So when their dad called, he says to me, I'm on my way to pick up my kids, I told him that difficult child was with Mike and S had a party. He gets nasty with me and says then I'm not coming. No matter that easy child T was here and wanted to see him.

Last night we asked the kids if they wanted to go with dad today. difficult child and easy child S both said no, they want to stay here, because Daddy isn't being honest with them. easy child T wants to see him, but I know that he won't come to just get her.

What should I do? Do I admit to him that I went off about him to the kids? Do I tell the kids I was wrong for saying those things? I was honest with them. Do I try to force the kids to go with him for the day? I have sole custody of the kids, and there is no visitation order in place. We have always been able to work visitation out between the 2 of us. If pushed, I can get supervised visitation made mandatory, because of his DUI's and involuntary rehab. I just don't know what to do
Hugs
Janis

 

[Marguerite]

I'm not in your shoes so I realy can't advise you. Sorry. All I can say, is that you perhaps need to say to the kids, "I shouldn't have said what I did, that was not the right way for me to behave." And leave it at that. If the kids choose to, they will tell him. But from what you have said, I think your kids realise you weren't lying to them. Plus you've been still bending over backwards to continue their father's access visit.

I wouldn't say anything to their father about what you said. After all, can you be so sure he hasn't simmilarly vented at times? I suspect tat if you confess, all it will do is cause more pain and more trouble and he could even use it against you, even if he has done the same thing himself.

This sort of thing happens. It shouldn't happen but people are human. We all need to remember, "There but for the grace of God go I" and be forgiving.

And move on. Remember the wise words of Scarlett O'Hara - "Tomorrow is another day."

Marg

 

[Woofens]

Thanks Marg. I was kind of thinking the same thing, telling them I shouldn't have said it, and letting it go. I'm just so tired of putting up with the fall out of him not showing up. difficult child J's worst days are the days his dad cancels. I have to deal with the mess, every time. I am documenting all of it though, as is his therapist.

Thanks again
Janis

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Janis,

I'm with Marg on this one. You messed up, you made a mistake in venting to the kids about their dad. But you know, hearing from you that you shouldn't have said what you did, that those things are between you and your dad as adults, and that you are sorry but you were just feeling overwhelmed and overstressed and angry. I think it's good for our kids to hear us apologize when we make a mistake.

While you can't take back the words that you said, you can apologize and tell the kids that their dad loves them (because you know, past the addiction running his life, that he loves his kids). At 12, 10 and 7, they are too young to hear the dad loves you but the drinking.......... Apologize and tell them you and dad love them. Don't tell biodrunk.

Hugs,
Sharon

 

[Woofens]

Thanks Sharon. I really appreciate it. I have been beating myself up over this. Mike and I have been trying to talk to them, telling them what you and Marg said, and they are still refusing to go. I might just tell him that they want to stay here since Mike is off today.

Sigh. Hopefully it will work out in the end

Hugs
Janis

 

[ML]

I agree. Tell them you made a mistake. It will teach the kids that everyone makes them, even mom. It's ok, it's part of being human. Then just let it go.

 

[BusynMember]

If he is an alcoholic and drinks and drives...I don't think I'd want them to see him. That's dangerous to them. And I'm pretty much into honesty, although I never would have put it that way. Long ago I would have said, "Your father has an illness, an addiction." I have had to have these conversations with two of my adopted children and putting it that way has not made them feel that the birthparent is "bad."
Since I really don't know your story (not the whole thing) I can't give too much advice. I don't think it's a good thing for divorced parents to talk badly about one another to the kids. But I also don't believe in lying to the kids. I don't know if your hub is a dangerous drinker or not, but if he ever gets behind the wheel a car while he's drunk and takes the kids with him, heck, I'd be mandating supervision. So my opinion may not be popular, but I would only feel bad about saying that dad doesn't love them. I wouldn't feel bad that they know he is an alcoholic. He has control over that. He can chose to get sober and show his kids that they DO matter to him and that he cares about them and himself. JMO

 

[Woofens]

Thanks ML and MWM. I sat them all down this morning and explained that I said things in anger I shouldn't have, and that alcoholism is an illness, and that he loves them very much. They now all want to ask him to quit drinking. Which I'm not going to try to talk them out of. Maybe hearing it from them will hammer it home to him.

MWM, he knows that if I even think he is drinking and driving with the kids in the car, he won't see them anymore. He only takes them for a couple hours every other Sat and Sun. That way it doesn't cut into his drinking time. Today, easy child S told me that the last time they were with him, there were empty beer cans in the back seat of the car. So, I'm considering having a talk with him about that. They don't need to see that. I drink very seldom (not at all now that I'm pregnant of course) and never in front of the kids. They know that i have a drink on occasion, but not in front of them. I was raised in a household where by the time I could carry a beer, I had to go get them for my step dad. He wouldn't even ask, he would just crumple the can, and if you were within hearing distance, you better jump to go get one, or suffer the consequences. Not the way I want my kids raised.

Thanks for all the support

Hugs
Janis

 

[bran155]

(((HUGS))) I don't think you should beat yourself up over this, we all have said things to our children we shouldn't have. We are human too. You didn't tell them anything they already didn't know, I'm sure. Children are so in tune to what is going on around them. Granted you maybe shouldn't have said those things out of anger but talking to them about it, in my opinion is important. So letting them know that you knew it was wrong to say the things you did but then to go on to explain the situation to them was the right thing to do. We all do the best we can. I think you are a great mom!!!