I Think I Screwed Up

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Apr 13, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    difficult child had a sleepover at his Gram's last night. This morning I asked easy child if he wanted to go to sport camp today and he was all over that. So, he got himself ready to go. He'll be there from 9 - 3. difficult child comes home from mother in law's house in a really good mood. I showed me this game that he's trying to create on his computer (which I have to say, I was really impressed with. Alot of thought went into it) and while he was showing me I was asking questions about it. Some times he would answer with, "You know Mom, that's a good idea," so we made a list of things that he wanted to change in his game. We spent about an hour doing this. He had lunch, I had lunch, I watched a something that I had recorded on the DVR, and then I asked him if he wanted to go and get some ice cream. I thought that would be a nice mom/difficult child thing to do. We go to the bank first and then hit Baskin Robbins. We're eating our ice cream there and talking about whatever comes to mind. We were almost done and I suggested that we get some ice cream to bring home for easy child. I could tell that he didn't like the idea, but my thinking was that it's something that I would do it it were easy child with me and difficult child was somewhere else. I get easy child's ice cream, but difficult child refused to wait in Baskin Robbins with me. He insisted that he go to the car, which I was fine with.

    We're driving home and he said something about mom/difficult child time and I said to him that I just took him for ice cream/ Didn't that count as mom/difficult child time? He replied that the only reason I took him was so that I could get ice cream for easy child. Never mind the three containers of ice cream that easy child can have at any time. Nope. I took difficult child for ice cream so that I could ice cream for easy child.

    Sigh. Even when I try I end up making a mess of things.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Sometimes Mom just can't win...
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    YOU didn't screw up, this is just typical difficult child thinking. Mom/difficult child time cannot POSSIBLY include a THOUGHT for anyone else.

    Which is probably why it's been almost 3 months since my last date with husband.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Don't be so hard on yourself. His thinking is his reality and you can't fight it but you can learn from it. Let me explain how difficult child 1 would see this scenario. difficult child 2 is gone to a special event. I spend time doing quality stuff with difficult child 1. At some point during our time, I mention bringing a treat home for difficult child 2 because difficult child 1 got one. difficult child 1's thinking.... why does he get TWO special things and I only get one? Me: "You got to have a sleepover at Grandma's". difficult child 1: "That's not special, that's just grandma." See where this is heading. This is "normal" in our house only I have 2 of them arguing with me. They are literally almost obsessed with EVERYTHING always being "fair".

    This one is done and over but now you've also learned something for "next time". difficult child time is only difficult child time if easy child isn't even mentioned. Period. I have so been there done that.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Thank you.

    He seems okay not that we're home. I put the ice cream for easy child in the freezer quietly and he asked me if I would play the game that he's created with him, so I'm signing off and going to play with him until it's time to go and pick up easy child.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...this reminds me of the EPISODE in our family. Jamie has never forgiven us because on his 13th birthday I took him to Red Lobster to have his first lobster and his dad to Cory out deep sea fishing.

    Now it was a tradition in our family that I take the boys to Red Lobster to have a lobster on their 13th birthday and it just happened to be that the fishing trip was planned on Jamie's birthday so Tony took Cory because he was going to be heading to wilderness camp at any time and we didnt know when they were going to be calling for him.

    Jamie was mad. He wanted both. To this day he complains about the fact that his dad took Cory fishing for his 13th birthday...lol. Oh and I am a terrible mom because I tied the two of them up with socks when they were 2 and 4. Sigh. He has so much to complain about. LMAO.
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    OMG!! You want to hear the best part?? I pick easy child up from sports camp and tell him that I bought him ice cream from Baskin Robbins. He starts throwing a mini fit in the car because I didn't get him any toppings. I don't him that if he didn't cool his jets I was going to give the ice cream to his father he would be out of luck. He ate it.
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Parenting paradigm - No good deed goes unpunished!
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Don't be hard on yourself x 3, minimum.
    Because... this is a problem even if you're dealing with two PCs and no GFGness.
  10. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    That is sibling rivalry... even Sweet Pea will feel jealous if I have one of the boys on my lap. See, in her mind: mom's lap=her lap. Sometimes, we have to accept that mom can't win! And it is ok to feel jealous and upset, as long as it does turn into a full blown tantrum.
    It is actually good: your difficult child expressed his feelings and then got them under control.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I can't see how you screwed up. wiz used to have these problems at times, where it wasn't fair because this or that or the other happened. it took not very much for me to remove the item in question from WIZ, not from J or T - whichever he was complaining about getting more/better/whatever. this is called bean counting in our house after the Easter when J was almost 1. Each kid got an Easter basket then. It was the last time they got indiv baskets - we do a family basket, period. Why/ j's basket was the saem size as Wiz', but his had a lot more, esp a lot more candy. But Wiz just had to count how many of each color jelly bean they each got. And have a total tantrum because she got more of 2 different colors of jelly bean. forget he hates them. Forget he had a ton of types of candy she did not even have, and of many other things too. After being ranted at for a few min he was told that life isn't fair and i could remove his entire basket and keep everything for myself, incl the candy. he didn't stop and i did take everything.

    As long as you feel 'guilty' for this, he is going to use this to flog you and get more 'special' whatever than his brother or anyone else had. He is using this, and your guilt, to hold you hostage. it is good he could verbalize and not have a tantrum, and that he invited you to play his game. that is really great. but he needs to learn that love is not measured in special things, and that life just isn't fair and he needs to get over that or he will be miserable for the rest of his life.

    maybe this is strange of me, and maybe my focus is atypical and my reactions are too. but the 'you do more for x than for me' was aa huge peeve of mine. not a pet peeve, a herd of buffalo peeve. I often heard that Wiz got 'nothing good' and that we did nothing with/for him. Knowing J got a pack of gum could set it off. the book/toy/outing/etc... that he got did not count. I often would say 'poor baby. your mom never got you x or did y or took you to c or did d with your class' and each was something that i had done/boughtarranged for just him. i could go on for quite a while sometimes, dependng on the ridiculousness of his claim and how far he took the poor pity me. Twice he went really far and since he insisted that i hadn't given him ANYTHING that I mentioned, I asked if he wanted that to be honestly, truly the case? he was feeling his oats and said yes, what are you going to do about it? you are not allowed to do this and ths and this and this. so I went and dug all those things out and took them away from him. i gave them away or pitched them. they were not replaced, and he did not have a chance to earn them back,because getting them back meant the problem would happen again almost instantly. even if it was months later that he got it back, that still was the trigger to doing whatever the problem behavior was.

    Stop buying into difficult child's koi. it may be sibling rivalry, but he is not a toddler. Sweet pea is developmentally appropriate with her tantrums. Your difficult child is not - does he want to be a 1yo again? Go back to only watching Barney and Blues Clues and that type of show? Back to no computers because he isn't old enough to handle them or play his video games/ or does he want the nice parts of being his age and to get over himself and this idea that it is your job to make things exactly equal for him?

    by the way, if he watns exactly equal, what does easy child get that difficult child would not want, as in to have a story for younger kids read to him, or to only be allowed to do what easy child is allowed to do 0 which means losing any 'big kid' privileges that he gets for being older? His reaction to that offer might surprise you. I know Wiz was stunned to realize that if he wanted exactly equal, it would mean he got earlier bedtime, only to use certain computer software, no internet browsing even with filters or mom sitting by him, and his privileges went back to when he was j's age. She is 3.5 yrs younger than Wiz, and he did not want to go back in time to only her privileges. If what he really wants is exactly equal, give it to him. he only gets exactly the same food as easy child, the same amounts of that food, same bedtime, no computer, no going out alone unless easy child is allowed to, etc...

    or he can accept that he and his bro get some different things and some the same things - and that bean counting just isn't going to be fed into in any way. You love them both, you see they get what they need and some of what they want, and you are tired of this koi. I would flat out tell him that, but not use the word koi.

    You didn't screw up. he is manipulating to get 'more' because somehow he wins if he gets more. And for easy child's no toppings tantrum, maybe next time he doesn't need the ice cream.

    I'm sorry it was a difficult day.Was the computer game fun?
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tend to agree with Susie on this one.

    We heard for years and years that we didnt treat one or the other of them fairly. Cory complained that the older two got to do more stuff alone than he did and Jamie was jealous that Cory got "rewarded" for his bad behavior. We had a really horrible time with Jamie when Cory went to wilderness camp when Cory was 11. In Jamie's eyes that was a huge reward. Here Cory behaved horribly and yet he got to go to camp!!!! He got to go live in a really nice tent in the woods, go fishing and camping, eat in this lovely cabin, boat on a lake, hike in the woods, not go to school, learn wood carving, and all these other fun activities. Oh he was jealous! Cory went off happily with the camp counselor to his group and Jamie was left with us at the car throwing a major class A royal difficult child fit. You would have thought I was leaving the wrong kid at the camp. Jamie acted up at home for about a month trying to get us to send him there. After about a month he asked us when Cory was coming back in this really resentful voice. We told him it would probably be about 9 months to a year. That really got his attention and he straightened back up. Jamie had never spent more than a week away from home and he realized he would never want to stay away that long...lol. He got over it.

    I think the thing to aim for is fair for their circumstances...not equal. As grandma, I do try to make the Easter Baskets and Stockings and things like that pretty even though they dont all get the very same items. I do buy bags of candy and stuff like that and lay the baskets out in front of me and go...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...and toss in the candy till its gone but then I buy a toy that each kid would like that is different. Keyana is a flip flop freak and sock girl. She got stuff like that. Hailie and Mikey love bubbles and side walk chalk. The Keyana's brothers got little boy toys. Basically same priced stuff but not the exact same thing.

    Now when my boys were growing up, my stepmom always had to get Jamie and Cory little things like action figure exactly alike but in different colors...or say RC cars but in different colors so they could tell them apart but not say one got more from them. I dont know that they would have but she always did that.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    LOL I only have ONE and STILL I hear this! I never say those words to his cousin J or M or K or Mak or C! Can I please do that to M so that he is not the only one.....All his cousins get this or that why doesn't he??? BLAH.... the grass is greener always......
  14. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Thank you, ladies. I truly appreciate your support. Actually, after we got home I never heard another word about the ice cream for easy child. I played the game that he created with him for while, which is VERY detailed and it takes forever to play. We started it, but we saved what we started and will get back to it. Seriously, this game is going to take days to finish!

    I felt bad about it at the time, but after we got home and I posted about it here I realized that I really had done nothing wrong. I did exactly what I would have done had it been easy child out with me. I would have brought ice cream back for difficult child, so I know in my heart that I was not wrong to get something for easy child. As for easy child's mini fit about the toppings? He got really quiet really fast when I told him that I would give it to his father if he didn't cool his jets and he calmed down. It's SOOOOO much eaiser when it's the easy child throwing the fit.
  15. keista

    keista New Member

    So, what kind of game is this? Does he want BETA testers?
  16. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    It's supposed to take place in outer space. It's about two alien armies that are battling each other (he eventually wants to make two more armies so that four people can play at one time). Each player gets 7500 money units and with that they buy their ships. Battleships, frigates, scouts, and fighters. Each one costs a certain amount of money. You place them on the board and you move them about and engage the enemy. If you destroy an enemy ship you get the money that that ship was worth. For example, I took down on of his fighters, which costs 2,000 units, so I got 2,000 unites credited to my bank account. The problem with it is that he has everything in different pages, so when he plays he has lots of windows open and he keeps having to go back and forth becuase he put so much detail about each ship type (the weapons it carries, the amount of damage that it can do to another ship, and defenses it might carry, and drawbacks to the ship, etc). It's really quite detailed and it's taken him a long time to create what he's done already. Actually, I'm really proud of him for it. I think that it's taken alot of thought on his part and that it's really creative.
  17. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounds amazing! Definitley keep encouraging that creativity and geekiness of his. The best careers are the ones ppl enjoy.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did you tell difficult child that if you were out with easy child for ice cream that you would think to get him one? Does he prefer you did not?
  19. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    If it had been easy child and me out for ice cream and I didn't bring him any then we would have had a full on screaming tantrum about how easy child gets more than he does and I didn't get him ice cream because I don't love him and this just proves it.

    The thing with difficult child is that he wants to be treated with the utmost respect and politeness, but he doesn't feel he has to treat others with the same respect and politeness. It's all about him, don't you know?