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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 673416" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Upallnight, I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I know the feeling, I went through this with my two for many years. They are still using though. I miss who they <em><strong>used </strong></em>to be. I do not <em><strong>know them </strong></em>anymore. After all these years, I do not know if and when they stop using, if the attitude will be different with us.</p><p>I don't imagine the using <em>behaviors </em>stop for some. Like a "dry drunk", not drinking but all of the blaring flaws of a drunk are there. My children that never used, tell me " Mom I don't know what their problem is, we had a good life growing up, they just need to blame someone for their choices."</p><p></p><p>This is such a good way to view it. I wouldn't want or keep any friends that act like my two. I think if they stopped<em> using</em>, but continued to view us the same as they do now, continued to try to <em>use us</em>, I would set boundaries and limits, just the same as now, when they are using.</p><p><img src="https://media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/shrinknp_400_400/p/7/005/094/083/060400e.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p> This is unacceptable UAL. Even if you had all the money in the world, to put yourself out there and cosign, and they renege on payments, unacceptable. Stealing, cheating and lying, unacceptable. I do not think that just because this is your adult child, that you need to expose yourself to be subjected to this kind of treatment.</p><p><img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/64/2d/07/642d074a7cf90f16fe0c622a5dd10948.jpg" alt="" class="fr-fic fr-dii fr-draggable " style="" /></p><p></p><p> I had to put up walls with my two. They have both used so many excuses for the choices they make, the number one excuse being, <em>that it is all my fault</em>. I wonder if, your son still thinks this way, and that is why he treats you folks so badly. There is no excuse for his actions. I do not think you are unfeeling and cold. I think you are being realistic, and see the behavior for what it is, reprehensible. I think it is your son and his wife, who are unfeeling and cold. Your reaction and response to mistreatment, is appropriate. If your husband is not on the same page with that, he still has those blinders on, that keep us enabling, as if your son was still using. He may not be using, but he is still using his parents. UGH. Do they think we do not have budgets and money issues? Do you have a money tree in your yard? I sure do not!</p><p> You are not rotten UAL. You are realistic, and tired of the ill treatment. Good for you. See it for what it is, and respond accordingly.</p><p> Listen to your gut. Your husband may not like or understand your choice, but it is your choice. Why subject yourself to this? My hubs wants to keep on letting my #1 come over, feed her, wash her clothes. It is not up to me. I would not do this, but I cannot control his actions. I can only control what I do. He cannot put his belief and reactions on me, either. We are at different places with this. It is what it is. I do not let his ideas about it infiltrate my stance or convictions, or make me feel guilty.</p><p>I do not need this crap. No one needs this crap. Call me a Grinch, holidays, or no holidays. No one deserves to be mistreated, or disrespected, all the more so from our own adult children.</p><p> You are blessed to have two adult children who<em> get it.</em> My three get it, so I spend time with them. I focus on them. I have spent way too many wasted years, trying to help my two. My three, waiting in the wings. Still, they love me and treat me with respect. They deserve my time, and attention.</p><p></p><p>What I know now, is that I do not deserve to be treated the way my two treat me. I will not put up with it. If they stop using, I will remember what you have written here, and stay on my guard.</p><p></p><p>All of those lessons we learned in life "treat others the way you want to be treated" , "honor thy mother and thy father" still apply, using drugs, <em><strong>or not</strong></em>. </p><p></p><p>I think it is healthy for you to establish boundaries, and put your foot down. </p><p></p><p>You have value and worth, and your own future to prepare for.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing this UAL. It is something I will put in my toolbox, and remember that if the old, ugly behaviors don't stop, I will not be trying to keep a relationship with my two. </p><p></p><p>I will keep this in my toolbox.</p><p></p><p>People have a right to be treated decently. You have every right to expect this from your son.</p><p></p><p>Stay strong and keep seeing it for what it is, unacceptable. </p><p></p><p>I do not think you are cold, I think you are REAL.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Prayers for peace of heart and mind for you.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 673416, member: 19522"] Upallnight, I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I know the feeling, I went through this with my two for many years. They are still using though. I miss who they [I][B]used [/B][/I]to be. I do not [I][B]know them [/B][/I]anymore. After all these years, I do not know if and when they stop using, if the attitude will be different with us. I don't imagine the using [I]behaviors [/I]stop for some. Like a "dry drunk", not drinking but all of the blaring flaws of a drunk are there. My children that never used, tell me " Mom I don't know what their problem is, we had a good life growing up, they just need to blame someone for their choices." This is such a good way to view it. I wouldn't want or keep any friends that act like my two. I think if they stopped[I] using[/I], but continued to view us the same as they do now, continued to try to [I]use us[/I], I would set boundaries and limits, just the same as now, when they are using. [IMG]https://media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/shrinknp_400_400/p/7/005/094/083/060400e.jpg[/IMG] This is unacceptable UAL. Even if you had all the money in the world, to put yourself out there and cosign, and they renege on payments, unacceptable. Stealing, cheating and lying, unacceptable. I do not think that just because this is your adult child, that you need to expose yourself to be subjected to this kind of treatment. [IMG]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/64/2d/07/642d074a7cf90f16fe0c622a5dd10948.jpg[/IMG] I had to put up walls with my two. They have both used so many excuses for the choices they make, the number one excuse being, [I]that it is all my fault[/I]. I wonder if, your son still thinks this way, and that is why he treats you folks so badly. There is no excuse for his actions. I do not think you are unfeeling and cold. I think you are being realistic, and see the behavior for what it is, reprehensible. I think it is your son and his wife, who are unfeeling and cold. Your reaction and response to mistreatment, is appropriate. If your husband is not on the same page with that, he still has those blinders on, that keep us enabling, as if your son was still using. He may not be using, but he is still using his parents. UGH. Do they think we do not have budgets and money issues? Do you have a money tree in your yard? I sure do not! You are not rotten UAL. You are realistic, and tired of the ill treatment. Good for you. See it for what it is, and respond accordingly. Listen to your gut. Your husband may not like or understand your choice, but it is your choice. Why subject yourself to this? My hubs wants to keep on letting my #1 come over, feed her, wash her clothes. It is not up to me. I would not do this, but I cannot control his actions. I can only control what I do. He cannot put his belief and reactions on me, either. We are at different places with this. It is what it is. I do not let his ideas about it infiltrate my stance or convictions, or make me feel guilty. I do not need this crap. No one needs this crap. Call me a Grinch, holidays, or no holidays. No one deserves to be mistreated, or disrespected, all the more so from our own adult children. You are blessed to have two adult children who[I] get it.[/I] My three get it, so I spend time with them. I focus on them. I have spent way too many wasted years, trying to help my two. My three, waiting in the wings. Still, they love me and treat me with respect. They deserve my time, and attention. What I know now, is that I do not deserve to be treated the way my two treat me. I will not put up with it. If they stop using, I will remember what you have written here, and stay on my guard. All of those lessons we learned in life "treat others the way you want to be treated" , "honor thy mother and thy father" still apply, using drugs, [I][B]or not[/B][/I]. I think it is healthy for you to establish boundaries, and put your foot down. You have value and worth, and your own future to prepare for. Thank you for sharing this UAL. It is something I will put in my toolbox, and remember that if the old, ugly behaviors don't stop, I will not be trying to keep a relationship with my two. I will keep this in my toolbox. People have a right to be treated decently. You have every right to expect this from your son. Stay strong and keep seeing it for what it is, unacceptable. I do not think you are cold, I think you are REAL. You are not alone. Prayers for peace of heart and mind for you. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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