I thought it would be fine now.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by upallnight, Nov 25, 2015.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    For many years I had a very difficult child, the same story we all have, mainly heartbreak and sadness. I first came here in 2005, we had a restraining order against him, he was 18. Two years ago he got married, he has kids, I was happy for getting his life together. But, my heart is so hardened. I have no expectations for any positive interaction because I am always disappointed. Expectations minus reality equals disappointment. He lies, steals, cheats and cons me even now. Even though he is an upstanding citizen to most, not to us. My husband always thinks the best, and is terribly saddened and disappointed always because he thinks Difficult Child changed. He even cosigned a car loan!!! Immediately we got calls saying he doesn't pay, ruining our credit, it's a 5 year loan! Also the car has 100,000 miles on it, who buys that? His wife wanted a big enough car to fit the stroller! Also, they just added their friend to the insurance on it. Really!
    All of my other son's xbox 360 games are gone from house, at least 20, I know Difficult Child stole them. This was all recently before he moved 12 hours away a few months ago! HOORAY for me, he needed to be far away. They came back for a visit and he hit up husband for $100 to get home with, he is such a con man, always trying to get something over on us. Last Christmas, they came over, dumped every gift in a bag after quickly opening,without even opening the cards or acknowledging the giver, they stayed 10 minutes and left. plus his wife put on Facebook the gift I bought her...she stated it was from him, he told her he paid for it, I just picked it up,..uh no....I picked it out, bought it, wrapped it..anyhow then later she made a snarky comment about how we didn't get her a nice enough gift.
    I never opened my mouth to start trouble with Difficult Child and his wife, let her think it was from him. This is always, stuff like this. I gave him my brothers (who died) truck, which he promptly sold for peanuts and kept the money, I thought he would cherish it.

    There's way more, you get the idea, it's constant. So, they invited us for Thanksgiving. I feel like I have no interest in going there, I feel like I have no feelings at all. husband says I'm rotten. Because I know that I am only good for what I'm good for. I am broken, my heart is, from this one child. I feel so differently about my other children who actually care about me, and don't use me, steal from me, or con me. I am actually quite sick with a cold. I wonder if I will always be waiting for him to scumbag me or if I can ever forgive him and enjoy being around him. I want to, but can't help being so unfeeling and cold. I think it's PTSD. If I stay away I'll be the bad guy.
  2. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I know about feeling like the bad guy, I do too. DCs father will undoubtedly shake his finger at me for being a bad mother for not inviting Difficult Child over for Thanksgiving. I.Just.Don't.Want.The.Drama!(They live together, but only because my EX has no guts to kick DCs lazy buttom out.) All he does is suck the life out of his father, con him for money, sleep all day and run all night. He calls me for lunch, then stands me up. I quit giving him $$ a long time ago, now he doesn't even ask, but now he has very little time for me, of course.

    I'm so sorry, Upallnight. This journey is not what we picked and not what we wanted. I've hardened also and I, too, think it's PTSD. My daughter who is not a Difficult Child (I guess), has made me hardened toward her, too.(For her treatment of me after the divorce. Good grief, she was a grown woman of 40!) She and her family live so far away that that has trickled to my grandchildren since I can't work on a relationship with them. I just can't play the game any longer....tired of it. I have a great new husband who loves me and resents the crap my children put me through....all the down days, all the tears, the broken heart.

    Each day I put on the smile, one of these days it will stick..! Keep trying, Upallnight. And if I were you, I wouldn't go there for Thanksgiving. Like I said, TOO MUCH DRAMA..
  3. mtdenise

    mtdenise Member

    I constantly think to myself...if this were anyone but my child, would I put up with this crap? Would I go to a friend's house who treated me like that? My answer is always no. I'm not sure why giving birth changes that. It is so hard, especially when you keep holding out hope and they keep crushing that dream. In the past 6 months I've had very little to do with my son. He's moved to another state and actually came home for a visit about a month ago and apologized to his father and I for all he had put us through. We both were very guarded with that apology and told him we were happy to hear it and now it was time for him to SHOW us. Well, a couple weeks later he showed up at his apartment drunk and hit his roommate (I have a separate thread regarding this). Roommate threw him out and now I have no idea where my Difficult Child is nor do I really care at this point. Thankfully my husband and I are on the same page, so that helps immensely. Hugs to you and everyone who is on this page. Every post makes my heart hurt.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Upallnight, I am so sorry for your hurting heart. I know the feeling, I went through this with my two for many years. They are still using though. I miss who they used to be. I do not know them anymore. After all these years, I do not know if and when they stop using, if the attitude will be different with us.
    I don't imagine the using behaviors stop for some. Like a "dry drunk", not drinking but all of the blaring flaws of a drunk are there. My children that never used, tell me " Mom I don't know what their problem is, we had a good life growing up, they just need to blame someone for their choices."
    This is such a good way to view it. I wouldn't want or keep any friends that act like my two. I think if they stopped using, but continued to view us the same as they do now, continued to try to use us, I would set boundaries and limits, just the same as now, when they are using.
    This is unacceptable UAL. Even if you had all the money in the world, to put yourself out there and cosign, and they renege on payments, unacceptable. Stealing, cheating and lying, unacceptable. I do not think that just because this is your adult child, that you need to expose yourself to be subjected to this kind of treatment.

    I had to put up walls with my two. They have both used so many excuses for the choices they make, the number one excuse being, that it is all my fault. I wonder if, your son still thinks this way, and that is why he treats you folks so badly. There is no excuse for his actions. I do not think you are unfeeling and cold. I think you are being realistic, and see the behavior for what it is, reprehensible. I think it is your son and his wife, who are unfeeling and cold. Your reaction and response to mistreatment, is appropriate. If your husband is not on the same page with that, he still has those blinders on, that keep us enabling, as if your son was still using. He may not be using, but he is still using his parents. UGH. Do they think we do not have budgets and money issues? Do you have a money tree in your yard? I sure do not!
    You are not rotten UAL. You are realistic, and tired of the ill treatment. Good for you. See it for what it is, and respond accordingly.
    Listen to your gut. Your husband may not like or understand your choice, but it is your choice. Why subject yourself to this? My hubs wants to keep on letting my #1 come over, feed her, wash her clothes. It is not up to me. I would not do this, but I cannot control his actions. I can only control what I do. He cannot put his belief and reactions on me, either. We are at different places with this. It is what it is. I do not let his ideas about it infiltrate my stance or convictions, or make me feel guilty.
    I do not need this crap. No one needs this crap. Call me a Grinch, holidays, or no holidays. No one deserves to be mistreated, or disrespected, all the more so from our own adult children.
    You are blessed to have two adult children who get it. My three get it, so I spend time with them. I focus on them. I have spent way too many wasted years, trying to help my two. My three, waiting in the wings. Still, they love me and treat me with respect. They deserve my time, and attention.

    What I know now, is that I do not deserve to be treated the way my two treat me. I will not put up with it. If they stop using, I will remember what you have written here, and stay on my guard.

    All of those lessons we learned in life "treat others the way you want to be treated" , "honor thy mother and thy father" still apply, using drugs, or not.

    I think it is healthy for you to establish boundaries, and put your foot down.

    You have value and worth, and your own future to prepare for.

    Thank you for sharing this UAL. It is something I will put in my toolbox, and remember that if the old, ugly behaviors don't stop, I will not be trying to keep a relationship with my two.

    I will keep this in my toolbox.

    People have a right to be treated decently. You have every right to expect this from your son.

    Stay strong and keep seeing it for what it is, unacceptable.

    I do not think you are cold, I think you are REAL.

    You are not alone.

    Prayers for peace of heart and mind for you.

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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Your story really resonates with me.

    You are not alone in how you feel. There is just something about being a mother and having your own child betray you over and over to the point your heart is completely shattered.

    For me, it's a trust issue. I cannot trust my son at all and without trust there is nothing. I would be a nervous wreck to have my son in my home. If he were to go to the bathroom I would be wondering "what is he really doing, is he going through my things?, what is he going to steal?"

    I totally understand the way you feel and why.

    I love my son and I truly do hope that someday we might be able to have some kind of a relationship but I am also realistic enough to know that it most likely will not happen.

    I do know this, after all we have endured with our d-cs we deserve some peace and calm in our lives.

    I hope you will do something good for yourself.

    ((HUGS)) to you........................
  6. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Tanya M - I had to read your post twice as it sounds identical to my situation. I can't trust my son, I feel betrayed, etc.

    I am trying to get thru Thanksgiving alone. I'm doing pretty good - refuse to have pity parties and complain that I'm all alone with no family. I've got a cozy home, got me the turkey and fixings, pie, a bottle of champagne and some orange juice to have a mimosa or two with my dinner. Just me and my two cats and the Macy's Day parade. Life is OK - I think of those two moms whose young sons took off in a boat to go fishing and never came back. How hard the holidays must be for them, and for others who have lost a child, loved ones who were killed in accidents or murdered. My son is still alive somewhere out there (I hope). I'm going to get thru whatever happens and enjoy my time off and my little turkey dinner and make the most of it. Being alone is easy for me because I love my privacy and time to myself. I could make it sad and depressing and envy those with families and cry over my son but I'm not gonna do that. I'm going to enjoy my day and then go for a long walk. Some people don't have what I have. They could be in a hospital, in a war torn country with no food or shelter or unemployed and scared to death.

    I miss my son and pray constantly he will get sick of the drug lifestyle and grow up to become a good man. Happy Thanksgiving - hugs to you, you are not alone. My struggle is identical and I feel your pain.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Upallnight.

    I know how this feels and how hard it is.

    I would not allow it. I would ask your dear husband to go to family therapy so that you are both on the same page. You should not be victimized by your child, nor should you be vilified if you want to protect yourself. Protecting yourself from his bad acts is the best thing you can do. For him.
    You are not in the business of subsidizing every
    Tom, Dick and Harry. I would be offended too. And I would stop it.
    I think you are protecting yourself. And smart. There is nothing wrong with you for doing that.

    If it were me the first thing I would do is to get on the same page as my husband.
    I would try to get a grip on my self-blame and decide what limits you want to put into place. I might want to rethink paying for insurance and any other thing.

    I would not do anything or go anywhere that does not feel right. If there are questions, I would tell the truth in a direct but not inflammatory way.

    Most of us have been where you are. It is not your fault. Keep posting. It helps.

  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Happy Thanksgiving UAN---let's have a good one, no matter what "they" do or don't do.

    Did you decide to go? If you did go, that is understandable. If you aren't going, that is understandable too. You aren't rotten. People get "done" at different points in time. Perhaps your husband isn't done? But maybe YOU ARE DONE.

    I think we have to decide what we are willing to put ourselves through. Yesterday, I kind of told Difficult Child off on the phone. I have been working and working and working to be patient and loving and supportive during this difficult time for him, with his recent diagnosis of Hep C and everything else, but you know, I am not going to keep quiet when every phone call is a pity party and then he strikes off on his own to do really dumb things about insurance, etc., but of course, still wants help from me.

    Even though he has made truly tremendous progress, it's not all flowers and hearts, of course.

    I told him his attitude needed to change, and that he needs to slow it all way down and think before he acts. Also, he doesn't know anything about health insurance, and readily admits that, and so when we are trying to help him understand he either needs to listen or...you know what...you figure it out and then call me in a month or two.

    Boundaries. Boundaries are needed in every single relationship we have. We teach people how to treat us.

    We must learn to learn and respect ourselves and to let people know when they have gone too far with us and invaded our peace and serenity. My life has been very challenging since last week when Difficult Child
    was in the hospital. We were planning to go to my family's for Thanksgiving and decided not to go, and they have given me grief about not coming since then.

    Whatever. That's fine, but as I told them, I'm really sorry I can't be there, and I would love to be there, but right here is where I need to be right now.

    It is what it is. I am going to determine my own life. I love my family but my priorities are different than theirs.

    Of course you do! Why wouldn't you? Setting strong boundaries with the son who continually uses you is the only pathway to peace.

    Great excuse not to go. I hope you feel better soon.

    You may be. Depends on him and his actions. If nothing changes, nothing changes. You have to be the first change, and it sounds like you are moving in that direction. We have to face reality about people, even people we love so very much. You are not unfeeling and cold. You have been ***burned*** over and over again and I believe it IS PTSD.

    We have to find our own peace, and then, we have to be willing to defend that peace. I don't think there is one thing wrong with that.

    Hang in there. Happy Thanksgiving! Let us know how you are. We get it, and we care.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Well, husband and I went to Difficult Child's for Thanksgiving. We arrived at 1pm. The house was such a stye I feel like I need a Tetnus shot right now. The filth and food encrusted on every surface made it unfit for those kids who were black with filth. My daughter in law was under the covers on the couch and never moved, ever. Difficult Child put the turkey in the oven at 4pm, although it had been sitting at room temp. for the entire 3 hours since we had gotten there and somehow, Difficult Child decided at 5pm, (only cooked for 1 hour) the turkey was ready!, There was nothing else to eat. We just didn't eat it, nobody did of course and had candy from the machine at the hotel later that night. My daughter in law yelled from under the covers that we were to use plastic silverware. That's the only thing she said.

    Anyway the next day we went over there to take them out, for fun. The kids had no shoes because of the incredible filth, nothing could be found, so our first stop was to buy shoes at Walmart for the kids. by the way, the 3 year old doesn't speak, only screams and has these huge meltdowns all day as his only form of communication, he has never even said "ma", and they are too lazy to potty train him so he is still in diapers, no attempt ever made with that, they refuse. When we pulled up to the parking lot at their apt. each day, from far away you just hear his screams, so sad! The 1 year old takes her cues from his and also throws her body down and freaks out every minute too, but she's just copying him...he has something really wrong. I told my son before he moved about how they would be eligible from the school district, (free) for a speech pathologist to come into their home and help them teach him to talk and they will be all set for pre-school and many services,I gave him the phone number...I work in a school and know the system...my son got mad and thinks nothing is wrong, even now.

    The kids eat cookies and a waffle all day as food, nothing else, and the kids eat wandering around the house, all food on the floor everywhere! Later, they pick it off the floor and eat found, old like from many days ago,food, it is everywhere on the floor! The kids bedding .....is crusted with all kinds of gross stuff, husband told Difficult Child to change the sheets,but he didn't know where they were and couldn't do laundry right then! daughter in law was working the 2 days after Thanksgiving that we were there. Anyway, I could go on, but you get the point. OMG! The filth, you could never clean it, like nobody ever cleans and you have to move out. The kids, my God! Anyway, on the way home we tried calling Difficult Child but our calls are blocked.

    I am going to cook a turkey with all the fixings this weekend for husband and my 2 other boys who refused to come with us to Difficult Child's because "they knew it" when we told them about our visit. I had candy, and I want to re-do Thanksgiving with people who are kind. Difficult Child was so rude and annoyed by us, all we did was want to help by buying them food and shoes and toys, which we did, but never again! husband is heartbroken as usual but my heart is pebble.
  10. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I would never go there, again..never. I don't do filth, just like I don't do jail. My DCs home will be just like that some day when he finally launches, IF he ever launches. He lives like that now, in the upstairs of his father's lovely home. Disgusting.

    It's a wonderful idea to have another Thanksgiving, upallnight. Then it can be a real THANKSgiving. I know how you hurt, I know the pain.....I hear it that you are beginning to harden. Guess that's what we do to survive.
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I am very excited to see my 24 year old who lives 3 states away, he wasn't going to come home on the actual Thanksgiving day, he had plans with his co-workers, but this weekend he will come here. He is an engineer who has a great job, travels all over, even to Japan....Difficult Child's polar opposite.

    Soon I have to go to work and answer "How was your Thanksgiving?" I'll never tell, just all of you, nobody else would understand. They told me my daughter in law was restaurant manager, recently hired. husband and I were privately like, "How is that possible?" We wanted to take the kid's there to eat and Difficult Child wouldn't let us, but finally he agreed. She is a cashier in a fast food restaurant, why lie? We don't care, it's fine, but why lie. Yes, NEVER again, luckily it's a 15 hour drive each way!
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds awful upallnight. I don't do filth or clutter well either, I would have gone running from there. Have you thought about making an anonymous call to children's service?

    I'm so sorry. I understand your heart, I would be that way also. Make that thanksgiving dinner and enjoy it.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Upallnight,
    Uck, what an awful experience. I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I cannot imagine the kids living like this.

    I agree with Nancy that you may think about calling children's service. I had to, for my grands. I was resistant at first, because of all of the negative stories. In my State, they contract with Catholic Charities, and they provide counseling for the family. It may be a start towards a healthier living situation for your grands.

    I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving re-do with your family. We have spent a few yucky holidays and it's no fun.

    take care
  14. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Upallnight, just catching up on the thread and I have to say, I'm so very sorry your holiday was like it was. After all that, perhaps the only bright side will be that your husband will come around? But it's very sad. If the kids are living as badly as you say, I have to agree that perhaps it's time Social Services got involved? They don't just take kids away and put people in jail...their goal is to keep families together and they can arrange parenting classes, etc. and help for the little ones. You can call anonymously.
  15. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    So sorry to hear things are that bad in your son's house. I hope you have better time with 're-do' of the Thanksgiving.

    I agree with Lil about contacting social service. I of course do not know your system, but it sounds like situation is quickly getting out of control and your son's family needs some help to fix it. The worse it gets, more damage to the kids and less chance for them to be able to keep the kids and raise them up to their potential. Early help is crucial with child protection cases and while again I do not know your CPS system and have heard lots of bad about it, I'm sure child protection workers actually do know that and try to help families when they still are in the situation that are correctable.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry.

    I agree about calling Social Services.

    You are correct, Suzir, most of the time Social Services do an excellent job. You never hear about the 99% of the time when things are done right. It only makes news when something isn't done right.