2 children - 2 different feelings

[ANewLife4Me]

My son is a phone sales representative and we went over to his home yesterday to active our new phones. He did not want us to wait around at the store, so set it all up the day before and only had to call in for the activation. Even though we can put our own glass screen protectors on, he did everything for us, he was proud to do so I think. Very sweet of him. We decided to go out to dinner with him and his wife afterwards, and had such an amazing time! We have an on again - off again relationship because we are both stubborn redheads. lol We are working on things again this time, so far so good.

So why would I put anything bad to say about such a wonderful day? While at dinner I brought up his sister who is in jail. He is over her and only thinks of her when I mention it. I said to my son how free I felt of not feeling guilty that we were doing something and my daughter was at home……. This happened many times while she lived with us, her brother wanted nothing to do with her so we went to dinners without her. I joked it off but, did I really feel free? It’s nice not having to worry if your home will be destroyed when you come back. One time I did come home and we could not find my daughter….her car was outside, where was she? The last place I looked, the fear that she had killed herself…the garage. She was out there alright but, having some sort of mental issue, she was laying on the ground staring into space, hardly reacting to what I said. Drugs? I don’t know for sure. So that was the freeing part.

I usually post on Facebook about my adventures but did not this time. Concerned she should see it once she gets out, I blocked the account I know of but she has others. The shame I feel of hurting her that we are out having a good time with her brother…

I love the kids equally, never was there any favorites but, I do treat them differently. The one child mostly there and engaged, the other always not wanting to do anything at all with us, always withdrawing.

It makes me heartbroken that I cannot have the same relationship with both children equally.

 

[Copabanana]

The shame I feel of hurting her that we are out having a good time with her brother…

Why shame? She is in jail because of her own decisions and actions. Likewise, for her brother. He was at the restaurant with his family because he made different choices that did not land him in jail. This is a false equivalency.

It makes me heartbroken that I cannot have the same relationship with both children equally.

Why? Same comment. She is in jail because of her own decisions and actions. She can avail herself of treatment. Life does not treat all of us equally. Partly because we are not equal. We have different personalities, capacities and attributes. We don't approach life in the same way, all of us.

Being heartbroken? This is your responsibility to change. You don't have to dwell on a way of thinking that makes you feel crushed and guilty. You can challenge thought patterns that do not work for you.

We don't all have the same life. But we have the same responsibility, each of us. To meet the lives we are given with grace, work, and good character.

I remember the killings at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh about 5 years ago. Among those killed were two brothers who lived together. They were mentally retarded. They lived together and were in their 50s or so when they died. I don't think either brother worked. They built their lives around their congregation and their spiritual lives. They were always there to celebrate the Sabbath and any other activity and celebration. They were pillars of their community. I am certain that their deceased parents did not feel self-pity raising their sons. They raised their children to be the best men that they could be. And this is how these men lived. As good men. Good community members. Giving and responsible.

Our children have the same potential. To reach their potential we have to accept them as they are and hold them responsible. Not pity them. Our children must step up and we must step up.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Why shame? She is in jail because of her own decisions and actions. Likewise, for her brother. He was at the restaurant with his family because he made different choices that did not land him in jail. This is a false equivalency.

Why? Same comment. She is in jail because of her own decisions and actions. She can avail herself of treatment. Life does not treat all of us equally. Partly because we are not equal. We have different personalities, capacities and attributes. We don't approach life in the same way, all of us.

Being heartbroken? This is your responsibility to change. You don't have to dwell on a way of thinking that makes you feel crushed and guilty. You can challenge thought patterns that do not work for you.

We don't all have the same life. But we have the same responsibility, each of us. To meet the lives we are given with grace, work, and good character.

I remember the killings at the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh about 5 years ago. Among those killed were two brothers who lived together. They were mentally retarded. They lived together and were in their 50s or so when they died. I don't think either brother worked. They built their lives around their congregation and their spiritual lives. They were always there to celebrate the Sabbath and any other activity and celebration. They were pillars of their community. I am certain that their deceased parents did not feel self-pity raising their sons. They raised their children to be the best men that they could be. And this is how these men lived. As good men. Good community members. Giving and responsible.

Our children have the same potential. To reach their potential we have to accept them as they are and hold them responsible. Not pity them. Our children must step up and we must step up.

It’s been my way of life towards both my children that I am trying to break free from. Always me feeling the things they feel, be it happiness - sadness etc. Not only trying to break free from all these thoughts and feelings, the worry. With my own mental issues I am an obsessive worrier, constant problem solver. All the things I don’t want to be anymore. My mental issues have come a long way so I give myself credit but, have a long ways to go. The rest of my family has moved on from her, I am the last one standing it seems. But instead of 24/7 feeling about my daughter this way it only happens in moments such as her birthday and going out with my son. I promised myself to change, including changing my phone number so she cannot contact me, the rest will definitely be happening for my sanity.

 

[Copabanana]

The rest of my family has moved on from her,

I don't think we have to move on from our children. I think it's a question of accepting reality. By that I don't mean, accepting them, or accepting their behavior. I mean, accepting the truth of what they do, and how they act, and who they are now.

Do we argue with the rain? Do we argue with the night? No. Because we accept that we have no control over the night or the rain. We don't argue that we have to put on raincoats or turn on the light.

But with our kids, we hold onto fantasies, expectations, and dreams. That is what I did.

I am a lot like you. When I see my son I am heartbroken. Last night my partner and I went out to eat. He said to me about a guy in the restaurant hunched over in a hoody, 'There's J.' My son won't be seen without a hoody on. I felt deep pain, just at this comment, and seeing the young man, who was not my son.

I am feeling heartbroken now, thinking of how you must hurt, needing to detach from your daughter to this degree, due to safety issues. But guilt?

You do nothing wrong at all by saving yourself. If your daughter damages your home, or subjects you to extreme fear and distress by what she does in your home, or near you, like drugs, or suicidal statements, or self-harm, what choice do you have? We're back to reality again.

If somebody is dangerous or behaves in such a manner as to cause extreme distress--separating ourselves from them, is the natural consequence of their behavior. This is not a lack of love. Or to love less.

I wish I could reassure you so that you could feel this, that you are worth protecting. To us here, your welfare and your well-being are worth it. You are worth it.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I don't think we have to move on from our children. I think it's a question of accepting reality. By that I don't mean, accepting them, or accepting their behavior. I mean, accepting the truth of what they do, and how they act, and who they are now.

Do we argue with the rain? Do we argue with the night? No. Because we accept that we have no control over the night or the rain. We don't argue that we have to put on raincoats or turn on the light.

But with our kids, we hold onto fantasies, expectations, and dreams. That is what I did.

I am a lot like you. When I see my son I am heartbroken. Last night my partner and I went out to eat. He said to me about a guy in the restaurant hunched over in a hoody, 'There's J.' My son won't be seen without a hoody on. I felt deep pain, just at this comment, and seeing the young man, who was not my son.

I am feeling heartbroken now, thinking of how you must hurt, needing to detach from your daughter to this degree, due to safety issues. But guilt?

You do nothing wrong at all by saving yourself. If your daughter damages your home, or subjects you to extreme fear and distress by what she does in your home, or near you, like drugs, or suicidal statements, or self-harm, what choice do you have? We're back to reality again.

If somebody is dangerous or behaves in such a manner as to cause extreme distress--separating ourselves from them, is the natural consequence of their behavior. This is not a lack of love. Or to love less.

I wish I could reassure you so that you could feel this, that you are worth protecting. To us here, your welfare and your well-being are worth it. You are worth it.

I am so sorry Copa that you had a moment of pain thinking that was your son. Definitely agree with all you have said, we don’t have to give up on our children. I would love to help my daughter if she would take the steps to help herself, not holding too much onto this but, give it to God…..hopefully He can help lead her to the right path. The expectations were real, we tried that for years thinking if only we said this or that, did this or that, it would work. We all know it does not happen. My fear of her is real, tiptoeing around the house as I never knew what would happen next, verbally abused everyday….she thrived on fights and seeing her Dad and I unhappy, physically attacked twice by her and almost killed by her trying to take us off the road. I absolutely know there is nothing else we can do but, to take care of ourselves.

Big Hugs to you!

 

[Fairy dust]

Hugs to all of you. Theses posts really resonate with me today. Every morning before I get out of bed I create mantras that I repeat to myself throughout the day. This helps to keep my demons of guilt, sadness, could I do more, what can I do to fix this, away! Instead I tell myself….. I am worth fighting for, I am in charge of reclaiming my life, my happiness is not tied to my adult children, let it go, give this issue over to the universe. I have to actively recognize the bad feelings , acknowledge them and let them go by saying my mantras. Sometimes over and over again. We parents are worth fighting for. Otherwise the bad feelings will crush and destroy our souls. And yes, we can be warriors, because we our saving our own lives!

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hugs to all of you. Theses posts really resonate with me today. Every morning before I get out of bed I create mantras that I repeat to myself throughout the day. This helps to keep my demons of guilt, sadness, could I do more, what can I do to fix this, away! Instead I tell myself….. I am worth fighting for, I am in charge of reclaiming my life, my happiness is not tied to my adult children, let it go, give this issue over to the universe. I have to actively recognize the bad feelings , acknowledge them and let them go by saying my mantras. Sometimes over and over again. We parents are worth fighting for. Otherwise the bad feelings will crush and destroy our souls. And yes, we can be warriors, because we our saving our own lives!

Very good point Fairy Dust, we are saving our own lives. I am mostly victorious, have come a long way since my daughter left us, yet again. Even with the death of my Mom and Dad, certain days still hit very hard….we have the biggest hearts. I pray for you to keep strong, to not let sorry or guilt touch your days. We have to remember it is they who have to control their own lives, we are just there to use for money - place to stay - transportation etc. I know they do love us, my daughter has said so many times but, it’s on their terms. Big hugs!

 

[Beta]

Being heartbroken? This is your responsibility to change. You don't have to dwell on a way of thinking that makes you feel crushed and guilty. You can challenge thought patterns that do not work for you.

We don't all have the same life. But we have the same responsibility, each of us. To meet the lives we are given with grace, work, and good character.

Copa,
As usual, your wisdom and insight is so helpful. I go through many days feeling heartbroken and guilty, and I know I can't live that way the rest of my life. I also recognize that I have a responsibility to live the life God has given me and not allow it to be destroyed by my son's decisions. Thank you for reminding me of that again.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Beta Good to see you here.
You're welcome.

 

[Blighty]

My son is a phone sales representative and we went over to his home yesterday to active our new phones. He did not want us to wait around at the store, so set it all up the day before and only had to call in for the activation. Even though we can put our own glass screen protectors on, he did everything for us, he was proud to do so I think. Very sweet of him. We decided to go out to dinner with him and his wife afterwards, and had such an amazing time! We have an on again - off again relationship because we are both stubborn redheads. lol We are working on things again this time, so far so good.

So why would I put anything bad to say about such a wonderful day? While at dinner I brought up his sister who is in jail. He is over her and only thinks of her when I mention it. I said to my son how free I felt of not feeling guilty that we were doing something and my daughter was at home……. This happened many times while she lived with us, her brother wanted nothing to do with her so we went to dinners without her. I joked it off but, did I really feel free? It’s nice not having to worry if your home will be destroyed when you come back. One time I did come home and we could not find my daughter….her car was outside, where was she? The last place I looked, the fear that she had killed herself…the garage. She was out there alright but, having some sort of mental issue, she was laying on the ground staring into space, hardly reacting to what I said. Drugs? I don’t know for sure. So that was the freeing part.

I usually post on Facebook about my adventures but did not this time. Concerned she should see it once she gets out, I blocked the account I know of but she has others. The shame I feel of hurting her that we are out having a good time with her brother…

I love the kids equally, never was there any favorites but, I do treat them differently. The one child mostly there and engaged, the other always not wanting to do anything at all with us, always withdrawing.

It makes me heartbroken that I cannot have the same relationship with both children equally.

I hear your grief. Go gentle with yourself

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I hear your grief. Go gentle with yourself

Thank you Bighty.

 

[Nomad]

We are in a somewhat similar situation. I recall a period of time when our son was angry and we could barely discuss our daughter with him. He wanted her sent far far away and could not understand why we associate with her at all.
These days, they are both adults. We still sort of hold back discussing our daughter with him. But will if there is a major concern. I am impressed that the very few times we asked for his advice, it was thoughtful, calm and wise.
Our daughter has caused much strife in our household. And it pains me deeply that we can't be closer. I am well aware of her good side. She definitely has one. The fact that it's clear is a lovely thing. BUT, the chaos she brings to the family and often to friends is overwhelming. It can be dangerous. We help her in a limited way and at a distance. We always try our best to be kind and courteous. But, we have set boundaries all over the place. Facing reality is what we all must do. My prayer is that something might change for the better and oddly even though I know it's unlikely...it's still part of my daily prayers.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

We are in a somewhat similar situation. I recall a period of time when our son was angry and we could barely discuss our daughter with him. He wanted her sent far far away and could not understand why we associate with her at all.
These days, they are both adults. We still sort of hold back discussing our daughter with him. But will if there is a major concern. I am impressed that the very few times we asked for his advice, it was thoughtful, calm and wise.
Our daughter has caused much strife in our household. And it pains me deeply that we can't be closer. I am well aware of her good side. She definitely has one. The fact that it's clear is a lovely thing. BUT, the chaos she brings to the family and often to friends is overwhelming. It can be dangerous. We help her in a limited way and at a distance. We always try our best to be kind and courteous. But, we have set boundaries all over the place. Facing reality is what we all must do. My prayer is that something might change for the better and oddly even though I know it's unlikely...it's still part of my daily prayers.

Sending you warm hugs Nomad.. I don’t understand why my sons anger is so great towards his sister as he himself does similar and hurtful things to us. Think it’s because of how much more so she has treated us, shunned us, lied about us, called the cops on us….the list goes on and on. I have to face the truth that it is so much more pleasant when she is not involved in what we are doing at the time. She always wanted to do crazy things that were childlike that none of us were interested in, she would drink and become violent….so much so my son and his wife had to leave in the middle of our BBQ one time. She seems to thrive on getting everyone mad and angry, if she is not having a good time, no one else will either.

I agree with facing reality and as you said pains us greatly. No matter how much we tried my daughter too caused much strife and unease in our household. And yet, my son will let me talk about her but, he always comes back with….I don’t understand why you still care about her so much after all she has done to you both. He said about her phone call last week…Mommy you know she was not calling with feelings for either of you but, for herself. I am starting to see he is wise and should have let go long ago as he did.