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I threw my son out of the house, wondering what else I could have done...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 403124" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You absolutely did the right thing!!! In fact, KUDOS for showing your son that he is NOT allowed to abuse either your younger son or yourself any longer!!! So often we get caught up in the difficult child's problems and don't focus on the easy child's problems as much - NOT because we don't care but because the difficult child stuff is so dramatic and extreme and the pcs don't make that kind of chaos. I know that my husband and I did that ourselves at times. I am another mom who threw my child out of the house. I didn't have an ex to send him to, but he was violent and refused all help and his past record of violence and problems had traumatized his siblings to the point that it was the only responsible move we could make. So I KNOW how hard this is, how hurt, angry, frustrated, guilty, relieved, and confused you are. In time you will work through this. </p><p> </p><p>With the dramatic change it really sounds like drug and alcohol problems or that he was assaulted sexually around 8th grade. It may be none of those things, but sudden changes often are caused by those. Drugs would be teh most likely, including alcohol of course. When he goes to his dad's house does he have access to alcohol or drugs? Have you ever tested him for drugs? Your younger son would likely have some idea, though it will take a while for him Occupational Therapist (OT) feel safe enough to open up to you, as if he knows his bro has probably threatened all sorts of things for telling. One of the more commonly abused drugs for teens is dextromethorphan (called skittling or dexing in some areas). it is the cough suppressant in OTC cough medications and is indicated by "DM" on the label usually. </p><p> </p><p>At this point I would keep your requirements for coming home in place, and add that he submit to weekly drug tests until he was clean long enough that YOU feel comfortable going to random testing. Then test him at least 1 time a month and after every time he has snuck out or missed curfew. </p><p> </p><p>What you have gone through is parental abuse, and your younger son has endured sibling abuse. Therapy individually and together will help you BOTH. I urge you to go to a domestic violence center in your community for help. They will be able to help you and easy child with therapy and support and validation. If you learn that your son is using drugs/alcohol, even if you do not have concrete proof and cannot get him into therapy, find both alanon and alateen meetings and go to them. Substance abuse and addiction are family problems and without treatment the patterns of behavior that contribute to it will not change for future generations. </p><p> </p><p>In the meantime, let yourself grieve. You are going to go through all the stages of grief and it is going to overwhelm you some days. In time it will get better and you will heal. Sticking to your guns, while letting difficult child know that you will take him to therapy or any source of real help when he is ready, and that you won't back down regardless of how he and/or his dad manipulates, will be the best thing you can do.</p><p> </p><p>My son has told me that he completely understands why I refused to let him live with us and has said that with-o it he probably would NOT be where he is now. We have a good relationship and he has even rebuilt his bond and relataionships with his siblings. And at 19 he is a high school and vocational program grad who is working and attending college while living with his grandparents about 15 min away from us. So they can change, but they have to want to and be willing to use the tools that they have and will learn.</p><p> </p><p>In addition to the books recommended, "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic" is a HUGE help. It uses natural and logical consequences and is very effective (and is empowering to parents, or was to me at least!). They also have lots of info on their website - <a href="http://www.loveandlogic.com" target="_blank">www.loveandlogic.com</a> .</p><p> </p><p>Welcome!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 403124, member: 1233"] You absolutely did the right thing!!! In fact, KUDOS for showing your son that he is NOT allowed to abuse either your younger son or yourself any longer!!! So often we get caught up in the difficult child's problems and don't focus on the easy child's problems as much - NOT because we don't care but because the difficult child stuff is so dramatic and extreme and the pcs don't make that kind of chaos. I know that my husband and I did that ourselves at times. I am another mom who threw my child out of the house. I didn't have an ex to send him to, but he was violent and refused all help and his past record of violence and problems had traumatized his siblings to the point that it was the only responsible move we could make. So I KNOW how hard this is, how hurt, angry, frustrated, guilty, relieved, and confused you are. In time you will work through this. With the dramatic change it really sounds like drug and alcohol problems or that he was assaulted sexually around 8th grade. It may be none of those things, but sudden changes often are caused by those. Drugs would be teh most likely, including alcohol of course. When he goes to his dad's house does he have access to alcohol or drugs? Have you ever tested him for drugs? Your younger son would likely have some idea, though it will take a while for him Occupational Therapist (OT) feel safe enough to open up to you, as if he knows his bro has probably threatened all sorts of things for telling. One of the more commonly abused drugs for teens is dextromethorphan (called skittling or dexing in some areas). it is the cough suppressant in OTC cough medications and is indicated by "DM" on the label usually. At this point I would keep your requirements for coming home in place, and add that he submit to weekly drug tests until he was clean long enough that YOU feel comfortable going to random testing. Then test him at least 1 time a month and after every time he has snuck out or missed curfew. What you have gone through is parental abuse, and your younger son has endured sibling abuse. Therapy individually and together will help you BOTH. I urge you to go to a domestic violence center in your community for help. They will be able to help you and easy child with therapy and support and validation. If you learn that your son is using drugs/alcohol, even if you do not have concrete proof and cannot get him into therapy, find both alanon and alateen meetings and go to them. Substance abuse and addiction are family problems and without treatment the patterns of behavior that contribute to it will not change for future generations. In the meantime, let yourself grieve. You are going to go through all the stages of grief and it is going to overwhelm you some days. In time it will get better and you will heal. Sticking to your guns, while letting difficult child know that you will take him to therapy or any source of real help when he is ready, and that you won't back down regardless of how he and/or his dad manipulates, will be the best thing you can do. My son has told me that he completely understands why I refused to let him live with us and has said that with-o it he probably would NOT be where he is now. We have a good relationship and he has even rebuilt his bond and relataionships with his siblings. And at 19 he is a high school and vocational program grad who is working and attending college while living with his grandparents about 15 min away from us. So they can change, but they have to want to and be willing to use the tools that they have and will learn. In addition to the books recommended, "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic" is a HUGE help. It uses natural and logical consequences and is very effective (and is empowering to parents, or was to me at least!). They also have lots of info on their website - [URL="http://www.loveandlogic.com"]www.loveandlogic.com[/URL] . Welcome! [/QUOTE]
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I threw my son out of the house, wondering what else I could have done...
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