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General Parenting
I threw my son out of the house, wondering what else I could have done...
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 403167" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>I also believe you did the right thing, absolutely. However, I am worried that his Dad will throw him back to you at some point. I hope that is not the case. </p><p></p><p>I had a similar EX and my son did the same exact thing. I always viewed it as this - Matt was completely secure in our relationship - he always knew I loved him no matter what - but he didn't know that his Dad loved him. So he mimicked his Dad's behavior to somehow be more liked by him - knowing all along that no matter what he said to me I would still love him. </p><p></p><p>I also think it is complicated with a boy at puberty who so desperately wants a male role model, and all he has is a loser for one. Your son sees that in his dad, my son saw that - and yet he was equally compelled to act out the very behaviors that makes his dad a loser as a way to relate, or because it really is the only way they know how to be "a man" because it was only method taught to them.</p><p></p><p>I wonder if you have any males in your community that would want to mentor him? Bond with him in a positive "manly" way. I think that may really help your son see that treating you badly is not the only way to grow up. Perhaps this male mentor could be the one that takes him to some of his activities, etc.</p><p></p><p>The last thing that comes to mind, is that you also have to remember what your EX is saying to your son about you. Your son feels like he has to take a side to be liked by his Dad, so if his Dad is saying all sorts of cr@p about you as a person - you can be assured that your son will repeat what he hears back to you - he has picked a side for now - and it is his Dads.</p><p></p><p>If it helps any, my son finally went to live with his Dad when he was 19, and it lasted 4 months. Matt totally changed after that. He realized that all his visions of grandeur about his Dad were exactly that, grandiose. He saw first hand how crazy and mentally ill his Dad was, and all he wanted was out of that house. They rarely talk now, and Matt sees him for who he is, rather than this manly man, ie racist, drug user, womanizer, liar, thief. Matt will even ask me now - Mom, Dad told me XYZ happened, but we know he lies - so did that really happen?</p><p></p><p>Good luck, stay strong - and hopefully your son's eyes will be fully opened by truly living with his Dad. He may come back home a changed man.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 403167, member: 3301"] I also believe you did the right thing, absolutely. However, I am worried that his Dad will throw him back to you at some point. I hope that is not the case. I had a similar EX and my son did the same exact thing. I always viewed it as this - Matt was completely secure in our relationship - he always knew I loved him no matter what - but he didn't know that his Dad loved him. So he mimicked his Dad's behavior to somehow be more liked by him - knowing all along that no matter what he said to me I would still love him. I also think it is complicated with a boy at puberty who so desperately wants a male role model, and all he has is a loser for one. Your son sees that in his dad, my son saw that - and yet he was equally compelled to act out the very behaviors that makes his dad a loser as a way to relate, or because it really is the only way they know how to be "a man" because it was only method taught to them. I wonder if you have any males in your community that would want to mentor him? Bond with him in a positive "manly" way. I think that may really help your son see that treating you badly is not the only way to grow up. Perhaps this male mentor could be the one that takes him to some of his activities, etc. The last thing that comes to mind, is that you also have to remember what your EX is saying to your son about you. Your son feels like he has to take a side to be liked by his Dad, so if his Dad is saying all sorts of cr@p about you as a person - you can be assured that your son will repeat what he hears back to you - he has picked a side for now - and it is his Dads. If it helps any, my son finally went to live with his Dad when he was 19, and it lasted 4 months. Matt totally changed after that. He realized that all his visions of grandeur about his Dad were exactly that, grandiose. He saw first hand how crazy and mentally ill his Dad was, and all he wanted was out of that house. They rarely talk now, and Matt sees him for who he is, rather than this manly man, ie racist, drug user, womanizer, liar, thief. Matt will even ask me now - Mom, Dad told me XYZ happened, but we know he lies - so did that really happen? Good luck, stay strong - and hopefully your son's eyes will be fully opened by truly living with his Dad. He may come back home a changed man. [/QUOTE]
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I threw my son out of the house, wondering what else I could have done...
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