I want to scream!

[graceupongrace]

difficult child has had a really bad week. Lie after lie, nothing but disrespect, intentionally annoying me and easy child at every turn. I'd get carpal tunnel syndrome if I were to describe all the details. Keeping with my rule of no respect, no privileges, I told him he was about to lose something else and he said, "I'll hurt you if you take that away." I calmly suggested that he think through what he was saying, and he repeated it: "I will hurt you." He is way bigger than I am. I got xh on the phone and he came over. difficult child repeated his threat. Xh said, "Call the police." So (reluctantly) I did. Officers came over and were great. Saw right through the bullying and told difficult child, "It's time to man up." I was shaking, but got through it.

Since then, difficult child has not only shown no remorse; he keeps trying to aggravate me. Stands right next to me and shouts in my ear. Insults me at every opportunity. Dumps my glass of juice into the sink for fun. Defies the simplest request. He is attempting to "prove" that he behaved better before I took privileges away. (I know, I know; it's difficult child logic.)

I love him. I forgive him. But acting like a terrorist in my home is absolutely not OK. I know Ross Greene says kids do not choose to be this way, but I'm really struggling with that idea right now.

Thanks for letting me vent. If you're looking for me, I'll be over the edge.

 

[WSM]

He may not have chosen to be this way, but it sounds like he's chosing to be worse than he needs to be to make a point.

I'm so sorry. It sounds awful for you. Lots of cyber hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not remembering about him. Is this child involved in any drug use? He's acting like it.
This may just be me, but I wouldn't use "The Explosive Child" regarding a teenager who is bigger than me. To me, "The Explosive Child" is for younger kids that you need to evaluate and treat. I wouldn't apply it to a teenager. But maybe it's just me.

 

[klmno]

Some of this must come with the age and out-growing the mother. This sounds like my son and despite all urine tests and thorough room searches, there was no indication of illegal drug use. I have heard from other families, where the father is in the home, that teen boys go through a stage where they need to prove they are physically stronger than the father so they challenge the father physically over and over. It doesn't end by the father proving he';s stronger, it ends when the father lets the kid prove he's stronger. Now, what to do about a teen boy challenging his mom when the father isn't in the home- I have no idea but I wish I did.

((HUGS))

 

[ML]

I'm so sorry. What a difficult place you are in. The one great thing I heard is that xdh was there to support you. That is so important. Sending hugs of strength. ML

 

[DammitJanet]

K...my boys NEVER got to the point they thought they were bigger, badder, tougher or stronger than their father. It just wasnt going to happen. Heck, they wouldnt go up against me because they knew that their father would kill them. Even now, when obviously they are all probably stronger than we are, there is that respect issue where WE are the top dogs in our pack. Tony always let them know that if he had to use a 2x4 to beat them down, that was what would happen. It never got to that point but they knew it would if anyone had ever even attempted to buck up. You simply DO NOT hit or attempt to hit your parents. End of story.

As Bill Cosby said..."I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

 

[DaisyFace]

Grace--

I am sorry that i don't have any answers for you....

Sending ((((hugs)))) and support.

--DaisyF

 

[graceupongrace]

Thanks for the hugs & kindness, everyone!

No drugs. difficult child has always been anti-drug and his friends are too (not that things couldn't change, but that's the picture today). And he was just tested recently after a fainting spell -- everything came back clean.

So I guess it's just his personality. And his bad choices.

 

[Star*]

GraceGrace -

HI. WE've never met, but....at one time I too put up with what you are enduring. Want it to stop? Really? Take a stand -but NOT violence upon violence. You are a victim of domestic violence plain and simple. Doesn't matter if it's your x, your mother, your father or your son or daughter - to live in the same house with another human being that screams in your ear, dumps your drinks, and gets in your face? Domestic violence.

Now you can say "Oh Star he had a bad day and he has difficult child logic." and I would say GG - "I have bad days too." But think about what I'm saying. Let's say your neighbor is a difficult child, and has a bad day. The neighbor comes to your house and does the EXACT same things to you that your son is doing. HOW LONG would you put up with those behaviors? I assume not very long.

So why is it people in domestic violence make excuses on top of excuses for the SAME behaviors only from their children? I have been an advocate for Domestic Violence law enforcement, laws, victims since I got out and got well. And if all this sounds like a sock puppet to you - I want you to think about this because it is FACT and proven - not just some cyber friend talking about you and your home of which by now you are sure I have NO idea what goes on behind your doors and it's none of my business.

Children who live in violent households have a better than average chance of growing up and repeating what they witness or are given in their own adult lives with their spouses and most likely the same violent behaviors if not treated will be perpetuated onto THEIR children.

Now...in your case you are not hitting him. You haven't said that he ever witnessed violence in your home so this could just be his way of dealing/coping.....but what happens when he takes THIS way of dealing and coping to the rest of the outside world? What happens when he meets a neighbors little girl and falls in love with her - and SHE won't do what he wants him to do - go to the park or movie and he starts to do the SAME behaviors to her? Can you honestly say to her parents at this point "I had no idea?"

I'm not trying to demonize your son. He is your son and he has problems - and the behaviors that he's displaying here are HUGE HUGE indicators that if left untreated - he WILL take this behavior into his adult life - with someones daughter - or maybe his own children.

Can you picture a life of wiping bloody noses and watching black eyes and broken bones now with someones daughter? Can you imagine your grandchilden running to you and saying "dad hit me?"

It's THAT serious. But the good news is - you have a chance to change these behaviors. You are being given an opportunity to take him to therapy or to call the police and say "You know what ? Lock him up - he needs to learn that he can NOT threaten me." You don't need a power struggle of this sort in your home. Left untreated it WILL get worse - and eventually he'll be shoving you, hitting you - and you will "reluctantly" call the police???? NO sister - YOU POST THE SHERIFF DEPT. NUMBER ON THE WALL NOW.....and if he threatens you - Don't "threaten" to call the police - pick up the FRIGIGN phone and call them.

Don't call your xh to come "save the day" or "calm him down" - state facts......YOU DO THIS BEHAVIOR - THIS WILL OCCUR - no questions asked. PERIOD.

He's old enough to stop all the juvenille carp - seriously = dumping your juice? STAND UP TO HIM - tell him - he does THAT again? There will be no more to drink in the house - BUT water....and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

He screams in your ear? HE LOOSES COMPUTER for a week.....

These are the boring, mundane tasks as a parent that I think because so many other things are going on behavior wise we overlook so that the kids can be somewhat normal or we can have some time to see them behaving like our kids.....but honey - if you continue to allow this kid to scream in your ear, and get in your face and don't do the 911? YOU are asking for it.

I make NO excuses for children who constantly get in your face with fists, and threats. Belive me - I'm 5'9" = 240 lbs...I boxed, weight trained, and worked out all my life - If I hit you - you aren't going to get up for a while - But that teaches a child NOTHING.....except once again the bigger person can beat up on the smaller person - and that is how domestic violence is perpetuated. But if you say "YOU threaten me again - and I will call the police and paste the number on the wall?" then if it happens you CALL the police? STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

If you allow him to continue to do what he's doing - he's going to do it to more and more people and eventually there will be someone bigger, and badder and less tolerant of his behaviors and he could end up really getting hurt or worse....and so could you. If he likes to hit things - get him a membership to a boxing gym and get him a trainer. The workouts are intense - and he would get out some of that physical testosterone - and possibly become very disciplined at his art.

If you don't belive a word I've said - I urge you to make an annonymous call to any domestic violence shelter - and talk to a counselor. Ask for some phamplets about how violence is perpetuated.

Yes....Grace upon Grace - even this little bit of violence doesn't get a pass because he's had a bad day. NADA.....

Hope this helps you - and.....also as a final note (only because its the same advice I gave myself) you may want to consider getting some therapy for yourself to see WHY you are making excuses for his behaviors - I did for my son too - and after therapy I promise you - If you raise a hand to me it better be to say hello - or you are going to be waving to me from the back of a squad car.

Hugs
Star

 

[witzend]

What Star said. Enlist the school, enlist the police whenever there is a threat of violence. Shut him down.

 

[graceupongrace]

Star,

I appreciate your thoughts. I wasn't making excuses for his behavior by any means. When I said difficult child had a bad week, I was just reporting what happened, not justifying what he did or said. There is no justification -- I don't care how mad at the world, or mad at me, he is. I made it clear that when he chooses to act respectfully on a consistent basis, he will start regaining privileges. When he chooses to act disrespectfully, privileges will continue to disappear -- and he knows that I am very serious about that. I am seeing therapist next week. difficult child quit going, but I still go occasionally. It has been helpful.

Thanks for caring. Hugs back to all of you.

 

[Star*]

Gracie,

You're welcome - but I went by what you posted -and I'm confused, so please help me here. When he threatened the police - you GAVE him ANOTHER opportunity to abuse you by calling his Dad. I understand why TOTALLY - belive me - I do. But should this be your day to day life - and should it happen tonight? What are YOU going to do? And I ask because the question was posed to me like I'm posing it to you complete with very caviler answers .......

If he does it again Star - are you going to take away his game boy (consequence in my mind at that time), call his step dad (Seemed more threatening than taking away the gameboy) or are you going to call the LAW and let him know you have ZERO tolerance regardless of what is going on in his mind/day/world?

I said actually - Well I figured if I gave him a punishment for yelling in my face that was enough for the first few times.
Then as it got worse? I started calling his Dad in the house.
After I talked with our therapist - ? The first time he did it? I called the cops ON my own. He took off....they went and found him. Explained to him that if he EVER used verbal or physical violence again to "explain" himself to me - and I called the sheriff's dept? He'd be going to jail for CDV.

THAT is what I think I was trying to get across. Not so much that you were making excuses for him. How does ANYONE know how to deal with this garbage until they have lived it.

Somethings you just put on a painted face over - yes. And parent these kids a little differently and no you don't call the police for every infraction or misdeed.
But I meant what I said about being serious. I hope if there is a next time - you don't hesitate, and take a moment tonight or when he's calm to explain to him that since that last episode? There will be a zero tolerance for solving his problems like he has been - and then list what behaviors you won't tolerate and which ones WILL get a call to your police dept.
Then follow through -

I just get so passionate about DV issues and since I lived and survived - and now have a son that does NOT solve all his problems by attacking me - I like mylife and his future a lot better. I personally (nothing to do with you) but I sat and thought about how I would feel if he started dating and then brought that girl home - and then hit her. I envisioned someones very large Daddy pulling up in the driveway (like my Dad was going to) with a gun to kill him for hitting his little girl. I did my level best in my own household to make sure that never happened and it was hard VERY hard not to make excuses (again my life) for my son because of what he'd been through.

But Gracie - I promise you if my son screamed in my ear to prove he was behaving better and then did meanspirited little things just to get his point across? He'd be sitting IN his room - FULL Riley - (nothing but a mattress and blanket) and I even took the dang door - And he SAT....not slept while he thought about what he did.

IN a nutshell I'm just saying - Don't let him get away with it now - or you'll pay later. Dude isn't perfect but I see him able to cope and use coping skills he learned by going to the therapist he REFUSED to go to...(I drug him there every week for 10 years whether he uttered a single word or not). I told him also that until he was either NOT living under my roof, or over 18 an on his own - he had better go where I told him to go - END of conversation. SOunded kinda totalitarian parenting - BUT----it did pay off for us in the long run. And actually - it helped solve a LOT of problems before they became problems between myself and my DF.

Hope something in this posts helps you and your son. If I came across as critical? It wasn't meant to be that way - but I've lived it, and don't want to see anyone else having a daily silent scream.

Hugs again -
STar

 

[lizzie09]

Grace

I just want to wish you well

The answers here and advice have been amazing and beyond
anyting that I could say.....a thought for all of us

 

[everywoman]

Yeah, what Star said.

Actually Grace, by giving him chance after chance, you are doing him a disservice. He acts like that to a teacher or a cop or a stranger he will end up in jail or hurt badly. Make sure he understands that in your house he treats you with respect---or it will get much, much worse than you even think it can.

 

[maril]

Yeah, what Star said.

Actually Grace, by giving him chance after chance, you are doing him a disservice. He acts like that to a teacher or a cop or a stranger he will end up in jail or hurt badly. Make sure he understands that in your house he treats you with respect---or it will get much, much worse than you even think it can.

In my family's case, over time, my troubled son's behavior did get worse (not for lack of trying to get help for him ). Long story short: Since being discharged from court-ordered inpatient treatment earlier this month and now also having a consent decree in place (has a probation officer to oversee this), he has been enlightened. His behavior and attitude are better and he realizes he is not exempt from legal consequences for his actions because he is a minor, as he previously believed.

Good luck to you, graceupongrace.