Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I wonder
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 237506" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Well, Mustang, we're still ironing out the wrinkles, but basically yes... if thank you doesn't follow our rules in our home, then he's out.</p><p> </p><p>We actually went about this a little differently this time (for us). Instead of us laying down the law, we asked thank you what he thought the rules should be. Aside from the smoking, he actually had them down cold. We also asked what consequences should be if he breaks the rules. He knows violence/drugs will result in police, and he's out of here. For the other rules (and there aren't a lot - no AWOLs, we need to know where he is, no smoking in the house, get a job (i.e. be occupied at least 40 hours a week - can be volunteer work, can be school, but do *something*) and the violence/drug thing), he felt he should get a "punishment". That left me at a loss for *exactly* the reasons you state. How on earth do you "punish" an adult child? I don't want to, to be honest. I'm really not big on punishment, even with the younger kids. Maybe too many years on the board <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> but I believe in logical consequences.</p><p> </p><p>So what we told him is that this is no longer a parent/child relationship, at least not the way it's been. We're adults living together in a house. There are house rules. If he doesn't like them, he's free to leave. If he chooses to stay, he has to abide by the rules. We used a lot of examples. Cognitively, he gets it and actually wasn't even too grumpy. Behaviorly is another thing and only time will tell.</p><p> </p><p>Can we put him out if his doesn't comply? Absolutely. Will it be difficult? I can only begin to imagine how hard. But as you say - are we supposed to live with and try to deal with this defiance forever? Personally, I say no, absolutely not, *especially* when there are younger kids in the home who will be affected. There are resources out there for thank you (which he adamantly refuses right now - his choice, I won't force it but... not much of a safety net for him). </p><p> </p><p>Are thank you's thought processes the result of his illness? Yep. Not a medication in the world is going to make him functional 24/7/365. No therapy, no psychiatrist, no intervention will do it for him. He has to be an active participant. It's the only way he will ever have a life. His current placement hasn't gotten him invested, nor have the prior 3, nor did living at home as a child. *Maybe* knowing it's now or never will light a fire, maybe not. We simply don't know what else to do. It may be this is just going to be a stop on his way to hitting rock bottom. I sure hope not. I *hope*, maybe unrealistically, that he's matured enough (and we do see some positive signs) to be able to function here. But... living with the parental units is a privilege once you hit 18, in our home anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Just in MHO. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 237506, member: 8"] Well, Mustang, we're still ironing out the wrinkles, but basically yes... if thank you doesn't follow our rules in our home, then he's out. We actually went about this a little differently this time (for us). Instead of us laying down the law, we asked thank you what he thought the rules should be. Aside from the smoking, he actually had them down cold. We also asked what consequences should be if he breaks the rules. He knows violence/drugs will result in police, and he's out of here. For the other rules (and there aren't a lot - no AWOLs, we need to know where he is, no smoking in the house, get a job (i.e. be occupied at least 40 hours a week - can be volunteer work, can be school, but do *something*) and the violence/drug thing), he felt he should get a "punishment". That left me at a loss for *exactly* the reasons you state. How on earth do you "punish" an adult child? I don't want to, to be honest. I'm really not big on punishment, even with the younger kids. Maybe too many years on the board ;) but I believe in logical consequences. So what we told him is that this is no longer a parent/child relationship, at least not the way it's been. We're adults living together in a house. There are house rules. If he doesn't like them, he's free to leave. If he chooses to stay, he has to abide by the rules. We used a lot of examples. Cognitively, he gets it and actually wasn't even too grumpy. Behaviorly is another thing and only time will tell. Can we put him out if his doesn't comply? Absolutely. Will it be difficult? I can only begin to imagine how hard. But as you say - are we supposed to live with and try to deal with this defiance forever? Personally, I say no, absolutely not, *especially* when there are younger kids in the home who will be affected. There are resources out there for thank you (which he adamantly refuses right now - his choice, I won't force it but... not much of a safety net for him). Are thank you's thought processes the result of his illness? Yep. Not a medication in the world is going to make him functional 24/7/365. No therapy, no psychiatrist, no intervention will do it for him. He has to be an active participant. It's the only way he will ever have a life. His current placement hasn't gotten him invested, nor have the prior 3, nor did living at home as a child. *Maybe* knowing it's now or never will light a fire, maybe not. We simply don't know what else to do. It may be this is just going to be a stop on his way to hitting rock bottom. I sure hope not. I *hope*, maybe unrealistically, that he's matured enough (and we do see some positive signs) to be able to function here. But... living with the parental units is a privilege once you hit 18, in our home anyway. Just in MHO. ;) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I wonder
Top