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If I move out, does difficult child "win"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 160829" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Terry, </p><p></p><p>Hugs. You know I think when we are backed into a corner we try to rationalize our position. Did I get into a corner on my own, did I have help, did someone put me here??? And as rational thinking people we often get left with the one thing that seems most rational to us and that is to leave. As a rational thinking person of COURSE we think "I left, and he stays, he wins." but I have to agree with MWM that it's not a matter of winning or loosing. Your kid doesn't see it that way - only you do. I think we'd like to think our kids think that way because it at leasts makes leaving have an after thought. I left, he wins. When in reality it may be that all of you win if you leave. </p><p></p><p>I told Vickie the same thing about Aly. It had gotten to a point with her husband not being on the same discipline page as her that she felt totally alone. Aly's disabilities had reached epic proportions, Vicky was being battered in her own home by a 10 year old and her husband had little and next to nothing to say about it. When your mate lets you down in that manner with regards to rearing children? It's hard NOT to feel ill towards them. Add a difficult child who's being allowed to break the rules and no one but you to enforce them in a 2 parent home and it's a recipe for utter failure and disaster - and everyone looses. I still maintain that with Dude - and not having any friends or family around to help, and had DF decided that how to raise him was not HIS problem? I'd be in the nut house. </p><p></p><p>At one time I had said I would also leave. It was too much. My health has taken such a nose dive in the last 7 years I don't even know who I am any more. And it got to the point where I finally said to a caseworker - it's either HIM or ME going - and with that DF spoke up and said - If YOU go? I'm gone. And we realized that Dude needed more help than we could give and filed for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and 8 months later - got one. The first time he came home - we refused respite and of course - now know better. Sometimes the solution isn't anyone leaving - but without a united front with your husband - things are going to unravel a lot faster and that's not fair to difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Have you considered therapeutic foster care for a short term break for everyone? They are parents who are trained to deal with our difficult child and their issues. As far as the urine smell? Out would go the carpet - in linoleum or tiles. OUT with the mattresses - and in with a fresh new box and mattress completely wrapped in plastic. His clothes would get washed in BORAX and his dirty clothes hamper would be in the laundry room. After every shower - clothes go HERE (points to basket in laundry room) and i would wash his stuff every other day - including blankets and sheets. Enuresis is a pain. </p><p></p><p>I don't know when you tweaked his medications last or if his medications may cause the urination - but you know best what you've been doing. Maybe a break would be good to allow YOU to recharge your batteries, give husband a chance to miss you, and give both of you enough time to have a date night - and come to an agreement about how you intend on parenting difficult child in the future. </p><p></p><p>Hugs - not easy I know. </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 160829, member: 4964"] Terry, Hugs. You know I think when we are backed into a corner we try to rationalize our position. Did I get into a corner on my own, did I have help, did someone put me here??? And as rational thinking people we often get left with the one thing that seems most rational to us and that is to leave. As a rational thinking person of COURSE we think "I left, and he stays, he wins." but I have to agree with MWM that it's not a matter of winning or loosing. Your kid doesn't see it that way - only you do. I think we'd like to think our kids think that way because it at leasts makes leaving have an after thought. I left, he wins. When in reality it may be that all of you win if you leave. I told Vickie the same thing about Aly. It had gotten to a point with her husband not being on the same discipline page as her that she felt totally alone. Aly's disabilities had reached epic proportions, Vicky was being battered in her own home by a 10 year old and her husband had little and next to nothing to say about it. When your mate lets you down in that manner with regards to rearing children? It's hard NOT to feel ill towards them. Add a difficult child who's being allowed to break the rules and no one but you to enforce them in a 2 parent home and it's a recipe for utter failure and disaster - and everyone looses. I still maintain that with Dude - and not having any friends or family around to help, and had DF decided that how to raise him was not HIS problem? I'd be in the nut house. At one time I had said I would also leave. It was too much. My health has taken such a nose dive in the last 7 years I don't even know who I am any more. And it got to the point where I finally said to a caseworker - it's either HIM or ME going - and with that DF spoke up and said - If YOU go? I'm gone. And we realized that Dude needed more help than we could give and filed for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and 8 months later - got one. The first time he came home - we refused respite and of course - now know better. Sometimes the solution isn't anyone leaving - but without a united front with your husband - things are going to unravel a lot faster and that's not fair to difficult child. Have you considered therapeutic foster care for a short term break for everyone? They are parents who are trained to deal with our difficult child and their issues. As far as the urine smell? Out would go the carpet - in linoleum or tiles. OUT with the mattresses - and in with a fresh new box and mattress completely wrapped in plastic. His clothes would get washed in BORAX and his dirty clothes hamper would be in the laundry room. After every shower - clothes go HERE (points to basket in laundry room) and i would wash his stuff every other day - including blankets and sheets. Enuresis is a pain. I don't know when you tweaked his medications last or if his medications may cause the urination - but you know best what you've been doing. Maybe a break would be good to allow YOU to recharge your batteries, give husband a chance to miss you, and give both of you enough time to have a date night - and come to an agreement about how you intend on parenting difficult child in the future. Hugs - not easy I know. Star [/QUOTE]
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