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General Parenting
If I move out, does difficult child "win"?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 161148" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think the situatgion with husband is possibly more complex. Also, it IS connected to difficult child, I feel.</p><p></p><p>What about turning this on its head and thinking from husband's point of view? I'm not saying he's right - just that from his point of view, HE feels unsupported.</p><p></p><p>It sounds to me like this therapist does not have husband's confidence. ANd if MWM is right, I can see why. Terry, have you and husband argued over the therapist's instructions? Are you insisting on following the therapist's instructions while husband is not happy? Or did husband not even try to talk about it with you, but just went ahead and did things his own way?</p><p></p><p>If husband didn't even talk to you about it, then you need to talk to him and say, "If you have so little confidence in therapist that you make your own decisions that go against therapist's advice, then maybe we shouldn't be wasting money on this therapist."</p><p></p><p>I suspect that maybe at some stage in the past, husband expressed concerns about this therapist's advice. If he has got to the stage where he ius ignoring you as well as ANY professional advice, then he is being a bit of an ostgrich and really needs to get out and find some GOOD advice he feels safe with. Also, if he feels so strongly that he is determined to be the one making the decisions, he needs to make thisclear to you and YOU need to make it clear to him that you are stepping back to let HIM do ALL the parenting (in order for it to be consistent).</p><p></p><p>You and husband need to talk, even if it's just the talk you have five minutes before you walk out the door when you do the final handover. "The spare key is under the mat; the garbage goes out on Monday night; don't forget to pay the milkman."</p><p></p><p>You need to say, "You have been making unilateral decisions concerning difficult child and this makes me seem the ogre when I try to enforce the recommendations from the therapist. I say no; difficult child goes to you and you say yes. This undermines me and doesn't help difficult child see the world as balanced, nor does it make him see the need for being accountable. So, for the sake of getting it right (and consistent) for difficult child - I am stepping out of all parenting for him. He is now entirely your responsibility. You need to feed him, wash his clothes, supervise homework, keep him clean, get him to appointments etc. If I do any of these things then I risk undermining your decisions. Part of this is going to involve consequences and for this, it needs to be a united decision. In the absence of you and me being a united front I now cede all authority and responsibility to you. I will come back on board andshare the workload when you request it and when you and I once more work as a team."</p><p></p><p>Say it without rancour and then make sure you entirely detach. No more making sandwiches; no more insistence on rulesbeing followed. Maybe if husband is overloaded and you're free, you could (if asked nicely) take difficult child to wherever he needs to go, but otherwise let husband be the parent who controls the decisions and then picks up the pieces. If things go haywire you need to be sufficiently detached so husband & difficult child can't blame you.</p><p></p><p>It won't be easy - the temptation to step back in and pick up the pieces saying, " I KNEW you couldn't do it - NOW do you see how hard it has been for me?" will be very strong, and it will mean all your angst was a waste of time. husband has to discover this for himself and come to you and ask you to step back in. Only then will he be more likely to work with you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 161148, member: 1991"] I think the situatgion with husband is possibly more complex. Also, it IS connected to difficult child, I feel. What about turning this on its head and thinking from husband's point of view? I'm not saying he's right - just that from his point of view, HE feels unsupported. It sounds to me like this therapist does not have husband's confidence. ANd if MWM is right, I can see why. Terry, have you and husband argued over the therapist's instructions? Are you insisting on following the therapist's instructions while husband is not happy? Or did husband not even try to talk about it with you, but just went ahead and did things his own way? If husband didn't even talk to you about it, then you need to talk to him and say, "If you have so little confidence in therapist that you make your own decisions that go against therapist's advice, then maybe we shouldn't be wasting money on this therapist." I suspect that maybe at some stage in the past, husband expressed concerns about this therapist's advice. If he has got to the stage where he ius ignoring you as well as ANY professional advice, then he is being a bit of an ostgrich and really needs to get out and find some GOOD advice he feels safe with. Also, if he feels so strongly that he is determined to be the one making the decisions, he needs to make thisclear to you and YOU need to make it clear to him that you are stepping back to let HIM do ALL the parenting (in order for it to be consistent). You and husband need to talk, even if it's just the talk you have five minutes before you walk out the door when you do the final handover. "The spare key is under the mat; the garbage goes out on Monday night; don't forget to pay the milkman." You need to say, "You have been making unilateral decisions concerning difficult child and this makes me seem the ogre when I try to enforce the recommendations from the therapist. I say no; difficult child goes to you and you say yes. This undermines me and doesn't help difficult child see the world as balanced, nor does it make him see the need for being accountable. So, for the sake of getting it right (and consistent) for difficult child - I am stepping out of all parenting for him. He is now entirely your responsibility. You need to feed him, wash his clothes, supervise homework, keep him clean, get him to appointments etc. If I do any of these things then I risk undermining your decisions. Part of this is going to involve consequences and for this, it needs to be a united decision. In the absence of you and me being a united front I now cede all authority and responsibility to you. I will come back on board andshare the workload when you request it and when you and I once more work as a team." Say it without rancour and then make sure you entirely detach. No more making sandwiches; no more insistence on rulesbeing followed. Maybe if husband is overloaded and you're free, you could (if asked nicely) take difficult child to wherever he needs to go, but otherwise let husband be the parent who controls the decisions and then picks up the pieces. If things go haywire you need to be sufficiently detached so husband & difficult child can't blame you. It won't be easy - the temptation to step back in and pick up the pieces saying, " I KNEW you couldn't do it - NOW do you see how hard it has been for me?" will be very strong, and it will mean all your angst was a waste of time. husband has to discover this for himself and come to you and ask you to step back in. Only then will he be more likely to work with you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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