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If it wasn't so sad it would almost be funny.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 622733" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>And JKF, I so get the grief you are feeling. I have watched myself cycle through the five stages of grief so many times, and it's such a comfort to know that others have felt the same and I'm not always going to feel like this, and that there is a method to the madness.</p><p></p><p>Because the pain is so profound, it is in every cell of your body.</p><p></p><p>From denial/isolation to anger to bargaining to depression, to finally, acceptance. And then I cycle through it all over again, and again and again, until finally the cycles are shorter, and the acceptance is longer. </p><p></p><p>It is like accepting someone's death---a beloved someone---except it keeps happening. </p><p></p><p>All I know is we have to walk through it. We can't go around it, we can't explain or therapy or medicate it away. We have to live through it, and it's literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than my sister's death. Harder than my divorce. Harder than loneliness. </p><p></p><p>And I think, very sadly, that ultimately law enforcement, jail and prison are where many of our kids end up. There is no hospital that is going to keep most of them forever. There is no rehab where they can stay for a year, unless we are multimillionaires. Only the jails keep people that long. </p><p></p><p>People who cannot or will not or do not live by society's rules, the norms that allow us to respect each other and have a civilized existence. </p><p></p><p>Finally, when my son was stealing from me and using drugs in my house, I had to put a stop to it. And even then, I gave him more chances, after a time, to come back and live here again. Waiting, waiting, waiting for time to pass and him to finally grow up.</p><p></p><p>I had not put a stop to the laziness, the lack of respect, the no-job, the staying out all night, the sleeping all day, the flagrant snubbing of the most basic of rules, like put your dishes in the sink (not even the dishwasher), and don't allow mold to grow in drink cups in your room and on half-eaten plates of food, the flunking out and withdrawing and taking the money I paid and using it, the lying, oh the endless lying....on and on and on. After weeks and months and years of it all. I tolerated way way too much for way way too long, thinking, hoping, praying that he would grow out of it, snap out of it, stop it and get serious about his life. </p><p></p><p>You can't have a relationship with someone you love who lies to you. You can't have a relationship with someone you love who is stealing from you. I have learned those two truths the hard, hard way. </p><p></p><p>Trust is at the base of any relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. But there is still love.</p><p></p><p>Today, I put a lot of physical distance between myself and my son. I love him very much, and that will never, never change. I am working to let him go and let him live his own life, whatever that looks like.</p><p></p><p>I have to work really hard every day to do this, JKF. It does not come easily. I wish you peace and blessings and sunshine on this day. We care. Thanks for letting us know how you are. Keep coming back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 622733, member: 17542"] And JKF, I so get the grief you are feeling. I have watched myself cycle through the five stages of grief so many times, and it's such a comfort to know that others have felt the same and I'm not always going to feel like this, and that there is a method to the madness. Because the pain is so profound, it is in every cell of your body. From denial/isolation to anger to bargaining to depression, to finally, acceptance. And then I cycle through it all over again, and again and again, until finally the cycles are shorter, and the acceptance is longer. It is like accepting someone's death---a beloved someone---except it keeps happening. All I know is we have to walk through it. We can't go around it, we can't explain or therapy or medicate it away. We have to live through it, and it's literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Harder than my sister's death. Harder than my divorce. Harder than loneliness. And I think, very sadly, that ultimately law enforcement, jail and prison are where many of our kids end up. There is no hospital that is going to keep most of them forever. There is no rehab where they can stay for a year, unless we are multimillionaires. Only the jails keep people that long. People who cannot or will not or do not live by society's rules, the norms that allow us to respect each other and have a civilized existence. Finally, when my son was stealing from me and using drugs in my house, I had to put a stop to it. And even then, I gave him more chances, after a time, to come back and live here again. Waiting, waiting, waiting for time to pass and him to finally grow up. I had not put a stop to the laziness, the lack of respect, the no-job, the staying out all night, the sleeping all day, the flagrant snubbing of the most basic of rules, like put your dishes in the sink (not even the dishwasher), and don't allow mold to grow in drink cups in your room and on half-eaten plates of food, the flunking out and withdrawing and taking the money I paid and using it, the lying, oh the endless lying....on and on and on. After weeks and months and years of it all. I tolerated way way too much for way way too long, thinking, hoping, praying that he would grow out of it, snap out of it, stop it and get serious about his life. You can't have a relationship with someone you love who lies to you. You can't have a relationship with someone you love who is stealing from you. I have learned those two truths the hard, hard way. Trust is at the base of any relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. But there is still love. Today, I put a lot of physical distance between myself and my son. I love him very much, and that will never, never change. I am working to let him go and let him live his own life, whatever that looks like. I have to work really hard every day to do this, JKF. It does not come easily. I wish you peace and blessings and sunshine on this day. We care. Thanks for letting us know how you are. Keep coming back. [/QUOTE]
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