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If you don't detach from your adult difficult children.......
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<blockquote data-quote="Scott_G" data-source="post: 612476" data-attributes="member: 16626"><p>I have always thought men are wired differently than women, and it is certainly apparent from reading many of the posts on this site, as it seems like the majority of posters here are women. You simply don't mess with a mamma bear and her cubs. I think that women have a very strong mothering/nurturing instinct that never goes away no matter how old they are or how old their children are. I am sure that I am still my mothers little boy. I think men simply have an easier time accepting that their kids grow up and I also think men can often have an easier time keeping emotion out of an issue. I am also employed in a scientific field, and in science, there is no place for emotion, it's all about facts.</p><p></p><p>I will admit that up until this point, I have mostly caved in to whatever my wife wants, going all the way back to when our son was 15 and stole his mothers car and wrecked it. I wanted to call the cops and have him and his friends arrested, but my wife talked me into not pressing any charges. The two times as an adult that my son lived with us, I said no but eventually caved in. At this point I would say that there is no secret to my seeming to be able to detach so thoroughly, I simply have reached the point where I have had enough and just don't want to deal with any more of his garbage. The latest episode that my son is going through is something I have taken very personally. I am both insulted and offended by his behavior.</p><p></p><p> For those of you who haven't been following my story, my son was basically a "difficult child in remission" for 8 years. He started doing drugs, getting in trouble, and being beligerent and abusive around the age of 14. He even did a stint in juvenile hall from age 17 to 18. As a young adult he drifted from job to job and couch to couch, even living with us twice. Then at age 22 he met a girl who seemed to do what we as his parents could never do, get him to grow up. Within a few months of their relationship he had landed a full time job, one which he held all the way up until this past summer when he got fired for drug use. They got married and bought a house together. From the outside, it seemed like he just went through a severe case of boys being boys from 14 to 22 and he grew out of it. He even apologized to his mother and I for all he put us through. Despite the past, we managed to build a good relationships as adults. Maybe not the type of relationship you ladies have with your adult kids, but I definitely thought of him like one of my good guy friends. We were all able to rebuild trust. He even had a key to our house. That all changed starting in 2011. I haven't mentioned this before, but back when he was 15 my son met a girl and they fell in love. She stuck with him through all of his problems. When he was 19 they had an apartment together for a while but eventually broke up. Fast forward to 2011. He reconnected with her on Facebook. She is now divorced with two kids and living in the next state over. One thing led to another and they ended up having an affair. A year later my son and his wife got a divorce. It was at that point that my son simply picked up where he left off, this time with heroin. Maybe it's a male pride thing, but this time the lying, disrespect, and manipualtion was a real slap in the face for me. I don't care if he's my son or not, I would not stand for this type of behavior from another adult. I expect teeneagers to think their parents are stupid old fogeys who can easily be conned, but when a 31 year old who is supposed to be a grown man starts playing those teenage head games, frankly I find it absolutely sickening. </p><p></p><p>For now anger is keeping it easy to stay no contact. That and the fact that he hasn't gotten himself into any serious situations. Maybe with time I will be willing to try and have a relationship again, but not now. I don't even want to see him. Last time I saw him he was so obviously strung out on drugs that I really just wanted to smack some sense into him. I give up. He's a lost cause in my mind. At 31 years old I think a leopard isn't going to change its spots. Nothing we have ever done to help him has actually helped him, so why bother doing it any more? For whatever reason, he seems content to self destruct, and if I can't help him, I would rather not even know about it. Out of sight, out of mind is good enough for me. It's sad for sure, but it's reality. Trust is a big, big issue for me. He's lied to us so many times over the years, and just when we thought we were at a place where we could trust him again, he turns around and starts his old games again. Just because he is family, how many chances do I owe him? When he seemed to have turned his life around I vowed never to hold the past against him, but now that he has slid back, I can't help but hold the past against him. All the stealing, all the lies, all the disrespect. If he's still doing it at 31, I have no use for him. It's not an easy road. At first I was filled with a lot of guilt and self doubt. That is why I sought this message board in the first place. Even when I decided to fully detach, my thoughts were often consumed with this situation even as hard as I tried to get on with my life. Things were made easier when he decided to go no contact two months ago. I still think about this messed up situation from time to time, and it still makes me sad, but every day it gets a little bit easier to go on with my own life. </p><p></p><p>As far as detachment goes, my wife and I are not at the same place. She (at least for now) agrees with me that he gets no financial support and will not be allowed to live with us, but she said that there is no way that she is willing to not have a relationship with him. </p><p></p><p>I wish him the best of luck, I really do, but I have no use for a relationship with him. He burned that bridge this last time around as far as I am concerned. I guess people will only take so much before reaching their breaking point, and I have reached mine. Not sure if this answers your question, but it's what's going on in my head.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scott_G, post: 612476, member: 16626"] I have always thought men are wired differently than women, and it is certainly apparent from reading many of the posts on this site, as it seems like the majority of posters here are women. You simply don't mess with a mamma bear and her cubs. I think that women have a very strong mothering/nurturing instinct that never goes away no matter how old they are or how old their children are. I am sure that I am still my mothers little boy. I think men simply have an easier time accepting that their kids grow up and I also think men can often have an easier time keeping emotion out of an issue. I am also employed in a scientific field, and in science, there is no place for emotion, it's all about facts. I will admit that up until this point, I have mostly caved in to whatever my wife wants, going all the way back to when our son was 15 and stole his mothers car and wrecked it. I wanted to call the cops and have him and his friends arrested, but my wife talked me into not pressing any charges. The two times as an adult that my son lived with us, I said no but eventually caved in. At this point I would say that there is no secret to my seeming to be able to detach so thoroughly, I simply have reached the point where I have had enough and just don't want to deal with any more of his garbage. The latest episode that my son is going through is something I have taken very personally. I am both insulted and offended by his behavior. For those of you who haven't been following my story, my son was basically a "difficult child in remission" for 8 years. He started doing drugs, getting in trouble, and being beligerent and abusive around the age of 14. He even did a stint in juvenile hall from age 17 to 18. As a young adult he drifted from job to job and couch to couch, even living with us twice. Then at age 22 he met a girl who seemed to do what we as his parents could never do, get him to grow up. Within a few months of their relationship he had landed a full time job, one which he held all the way up until this past summer when he got fired for drug use. They got married and bought a house together. From the outside, it seemed like he just went through a severe case of boys being boys from 14 to 22 and he grew out of it. He even apologized to his mother and I for all he put us through. Despite the past, we managed to build a good relationships as adults. Maybe not the type of relationship you ladies have with your adult kids, but I definitely thought of him like one of my good guy friends. We were all able to rebuild trust. He even had a key to our house. That all changed starting in 2011. I haven't mentioned this before, but back when he was 15 my son met a girl and they fell in love. She stuck with him through all of his problems. When he was 19 they had an apartment together for a while but eventually broke up. Fast forward to 2011. He reconnected with her on Facebook. She is now divorced with two kids and living in the next state over. One thing led to another and they ended up having an affair. A year later my son and his wife got a divorce. It was at that point that my son simply picked up where he left off, this time with heroin. Maybe it's a male pride thing, but this time the lying, disrespect, and manipualtion was a real slap in the face for me. I don't care if he's my son or not, I would not stand for this type of behavior from another adult. I expect teeneagers to think their parents are stupid old fogeys who can easily be conned, but when a 31 year old who is supposed to be a grown man starts playing those teenage head games, frankly I find it absolutely sickening. For now anger is keeping it easy to stay no contact. That and the fact that he hasn't gotten himself into any serious situations. Maybe with time I will be willing to try and have a relationship again, but not now. I don't even want to see him. Last time I saw him he was so obviously strung out on drugs that I really just wanted to smack some sense into him. I give up. He's a lost cause in my mind. At 31 years old I think a leopard isn't going to change its spots. Nothing we have ever done to help him has actually helped him, so why bother doing it any more? For whatever reason, he seems content to self destruct, and if I can't help him, I would rather not even know about it. Out of sight, out of mind is good enough for me. It's sad for sure, but it's reality. Trust is a big, big issue for me. He's lied to us so many times over the years, and just when we thought we were at a place where we could trust him again, he turns around and starts his old games again. Just because he is family, how many chances do I owe him? When he seemed to have turned his life around I vowed never to hold the past against him, but now that he has slid back, I can't help but hold the past against him. All the stealing, all the lies, all the disrespect. If he's still doing it at 31, I have no use for him. It's not an easy road. At first I was filled with a lot of guilt and self doubt. That is why I sought this message board in the first place. Even when I decided to fully detach, my thoughts were often consumed with this situation even as hard as I tried to get on with my life. Things were made easier when he decided to go no contact two months ago. I still think about this messed up situation from time to time, and it still makes me sad, but every day it gets a little bit easier to go on with my own life. As far as detachment goes, my wife and I are not at the same place. She (at least for now) agrees with me that he gets no financial support and will not be allowed to live with us, but she said that there is no way that she is willing to not have a relationship with him. I wish him the best of luck, I really do, but I have no use for a relationship with him. He burned that bridge this last time around as far as I am concerned. I guess people will only take so much before reaching their breaking point, and I have reached mine. Not sure if this answers your question, but it's what's going on in my head. [/QUOTE]
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