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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 155637" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Lisa, I'm coming in to this late too, but I've been reading along. I completely agree with everything Barbara has said. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Is there any chance that you can get her to agree to see a domestic violence counselor? Even if you have to threaten to throw her out if she doesn't? If there is a group in your area, they'd be very happy to talk to her and it could make a world of difference in how she sees things. It can be a real eye-opener. If she won't talk to them, YOU go and get all the information you can. Nichole may have her problems but boyfriend is taking advantage of it and he is showing all the classic signs of being an abuser. The circumstances may be different but the tactics that abusers use are amazingly similar. It follows a distinct pattern and when you actually see it all spelled out in front of you, it's like a revelation!</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">He has convinced her that it is all HER fault and that HE is blameless, that everything would be fine if only SHE would shape up. And he's doing his best to convince everyone else that it's all HER fault too, thus the constant phone calls to you 'tattling' on her every move.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">He is extremely controlling of her. He is keeping her isolated and dependent on him. She can't (or won't) drive, he comes to get her to stay at his house " what does she <em>do</em> there all that time?? He's making it very difficult for her to go to school &#8230; getting her education would make her self-sufficient and possibly no longer dependent on him, and she will meet new people in school which he would also perceive as a threat to his 'possession' of her.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">He is 'messing with her mind', constantly going back and forth, keeping her off balance. After so much of this, you are so confused that you don't know which way is up any more. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">He has completely undermined her confidence and her self-esteem and has convinced her that she is incapable of getting by and raising her child on her own. She thinks she could never get along without him, and that's exactly what he wants her to think.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">And besides the verbal and emotional abuse, he has crossed that line in to physical abuse. He feels justified in using physical force against her, enough force that he's leaving bruises, when she does not comply with his wishes. He feels so justified in getting physical with her that he calls YOU and tells you he did it! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY <u>NO</u> JUSTIFICATION FOR HURTING HER!!! And this could escalate beyond just bruises. An abuser will do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control in the relationship.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">And, of course, the very worst part is that the little girl is right there witnessing the whole thing. She will form her ideas about relationships between men and women from the example that she gets from her parents. And right now she's learning that women are supposed to be weak and compliant, and feel worthless while the man is the powerful one in control of everything.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Yes, Nichole has her problems, but when you really look at it, a lot of the problems could have been caused by being involved in this abusive relationship for so long. If she could ever get away from him for long enough, you just might see a huge change in her!</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 155637, member: 1883"] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Lisa, I'm coming in to this late too, but I've been reading along. I completely agree with everything Barbara has said. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Is there any chance that you can get her to agree to see a domestic violence counselor? Even if you have to threaten to throw her out if she doesn't? If there is a group in your area, they'd be very happy to talk to her and it could make a world of difference in how she sees things. It can be a real eye-opener. If she won't talk to them, YOU go and get all the information you can. Nichole may have her problems but boyfriend is taking advantage of it and he is showing all the classic signs of being an abuser. The circumstances may be different but the tactics that abusers use are amazingly similar. It follows a distinct pattern and when you actually see it all spelled out in front of you, it's like a revelation![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]He has convinced her that it is all HER fault and that HE is blameless, that everything would be fine if only SHE would shape up. And he's doing his best to convince everyone else that it's all HER fault too, thus the constant phone calls to you 'tattling' on her every move.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]He is extremely controlling of her. He is keeping her isolated and dependent on him. She can't (or won't) drive, he comes to get her to stay at his house " what does she [I]do[/I] there all that time?? He's making it very difficult for her to go to school … getting her education would make her self-sufficient and possibly no longer dependent on him, and she will meet new people in school which he would also perceive as a threat to his 'possession' of her.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]He is 'messing with her mind', constantly going back and forth, keeping her off balance. After so much of this, you are so confused that you don't know which way is up any more. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]He has completely undermined her confidence and her self-esteem and has convinced her that she is incapable of getting by and raising her child on her own. She thinks she could never get along without him, and that's exactly what he wants her to think.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]And besides the verbal and emotional abuse, he has crossed that line in to physical abuse. He feels justified in using physical force against her, enough force that he's leaving bruises, when she does not comply with his wishes. He feels so justified in getting physical with her that he calls YOU and tells you he did it! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY [U]NO[/U] JUSTIFICATION FOR HURTING HER!!! And this could escalate beyond just bruises. An abuser will do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control in the relationship.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]And, of course, the very worst part is that the little girl is right there witnessing the whole thing. She will form her ideas about relationships between men and women from the example that she gets from her parents. And right now she's learning that women are supposed to be weak and compliant, and feel worthless while the man is the powerful one in control of everything.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Yes, Nichole has her problems, but when you really look at it, a lot of the problems could have been caused by being involved in this abusive relationship for so long. If she could ever get away from him for long enough, you just might see a huge change in her![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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