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I'm Furious!!! Help!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 162445" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkgreen">My H does this also. He will totally undermine me and when I call him on it, he will bring up all sorts of other incidences that are not related. And, yes, he USED to always want to look like the hero and good guy - but for the most part he's gotten over that. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkgreen">I don't know what to tell you - go to counseling? Maybe that will help. Sometimes having a third person in the room while you work out the disagreement, and learn to fight fair, helps each of you to understand where the other is coming from. When H and I were in counseling together, it helped some. But not a whole heap. The bottom line, in my opinion, is that men and women look at almost every situation differently and it is what it is. I think it's really very difficult for either one of you to make or force the other to see things from your perspective. You can certainly try, but there are no guarantees. Again, in my opinion, I really believe that your H, like mine, will simply find a new way of doing what he wants or thinks is the right way without it turning into an argument or without you being aware. </span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkgreen">My H will rant about me helping my easy child with gas money - the kids is working hard at college and works all weekend long at her job. She's always been a go getter and a hard worker. If she mentions that she's short on cash, if I have it, I may transfer $50 into her account for gas or groceries. H hates when I do that. BUT, whenever easy child is home for the weekend or we visit her up at school, he slips her between $100-$200 CASH without me seeing. I know he does this, and yes it bugs me because if you give easy child too much money she will blow it rather than use it sparingly...but I don't get on his case about it. Instead I just ask in pointedly, "How much money did you give easy child?" and him just knowing that I know is enough to make him squirm.</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkgreen">Really, the camera issue is relatively harmless - IF everyone actually gets use of the camera and IF your easy child is appreciative and knows that it's a family camera and not solely her belonging. I think arguing about it in front of the kids is probably the wrong thing to do because it undermines YOUR authority to the children and in the end they too feel like they got one over on mom. Again, just my opinion. Everytime I have made a stink in front of the kids about something H has done or decided without my input always leaves me looking like the buffoon in the room, not H, who is, of course, the real buffoon, after all!</span></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Garamond'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkgreen">If H has ruined the evening, allow him to only ruin HIS evening. Go out and do something fun with a friend, a child, or by yourself. Don't allow him to ruin your evening. Don't let him see he's under your skin. I love writing letters. Can you write him a letter without touching on the reason for the argument and mention how you don't like him dredging up old business when he knows he's in the wrong...its his defense mechanism - distracting you like that. It's wrong, but many people use it. Everytime I mention something to H, he will try and turn it around on me by bringing something from long ago up. It's like a way of easing their own guilt about causing an uprising. I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to talk about men in general today - lol - but for what it's worth, I understand where you're coming from. Be good to yourself, don't let him get you down.</span></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 162445, member: 2211"] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkgreen]My H does this also. He will totally undermine me and when I call him on it, he will bring up all sorts of other incidences that are not related. And, yes, he USED to always want to look like the hero and good guy - but for the most part he's gotten over that. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkgreen]I don't know what to tell you - go to counseling? Maybe that will help. Sometimes having a third person in the room while you work out the disagreement, and learn to fight fair, helps each of you to understand where the other is coming from. When H and I were in counseling together, it helped some. But not a whole heap. The bottom line, in my opinion, is that men and women look at almost every situation differently and it is what it is. I think it's really very difficult for either one of you to make or force the other to see things from your perspective. You can certainly try, but there are no guarantees. Again, in my opinion, I really believe that your H, like mine, will simply find a new way of doing what he wants or thinks is the right way without it turning into an argument or without you being aware. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkgreen]My H will rant about me helping my easy child with gas money - the kids is working hard at college and works all weekend long at her job. She's always been a go getter and a hard worker. If she mentions that she's short on cash, if I have it, I may transfer $50 into her account for gas or groceries. H hates when I do that. BUT, whenever easy child is home for the weekend or we visit her up at school, he slips her between $100-$200 CASH without me seeing. I know he does this, and yes it bugs me because if you give easy child too much money she will blow it rather than use it sparingly...but I don't get on his case about it. Instead I just ask in pointedly, "How much money did you give easy child?" and him just knowing that I know is enough to make him squirm.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkgreen]Really, the camera issue is relatively harmless - IF everyone actually gets use of the camera and IF your easy child is appreciative and knows that it's a family camera and not solely her belonging. I think arguing about it in front of the kids is probably the wrong thing to do because it undermines YOUR authority to the children and in the end they too feel like they got one over on mom. Again, just my opinion. Everytime I have made a stink in front of the kids about something H has done or decided without my input always leaves me looking like the buffoon in the room, not H, who is, of course, the real buffoon, after all![/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Garamond][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkgreen]If H has ruined the evening, allow him to only ruin HIS evening. Go out and do something fun with a friend, a child, or by yourself. Don't allow him to ruin your evening. Don't let him see he's under your skin. I love writing letters. Can you write him a letter without touching on the reason for the argument and mention how you don't like him dredging up old business when he knows he's in the wrong...its his defense mechanism - distracting you like that. It's wrong, but many people use it. Everytime I mention something to H, he will try and turn it around on me by bringing something from long ago up. It's like a way of easing their own guilt about causing an uprising. I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to talk about men in general today - lol - but for what it's worth, I understand where you're coming from. Be good to yourself, don't let him get you down.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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