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Im losing my mind
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 120042" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Could you please move that paddle and put on a life vest? You are in the same boat I am. lol </p><p></p><p>I have worked with a lot of kids who lost either one or both parents. I have also worked with kids who's father's or mother's wanted nothing to do with them. In some cases (very few) and with older children (16+) the child's behavior is so bad the parents are left with no choice BUT to sever ties. </p><p></p><p>I can't imagine what ties at your daughters age a bio-parent would want to sever - except maybe that the parent is so ill (mentally or drug/alcohol) that he feels he's not a good example for her so he's cutting ties. Another reason is a lot of times parents remarry or find an S/O and the friction between the bio-parents is so bad one parent will just try to walk away. It's always the adults who ruin it in younger kids - children just have such a hard time grasping the idea and spend more time trying to pin the tail on the jackass. Or they play "It's my fault Mommy/Daddy is gone. It's an all consuming activity that cuts to the quick and can ruin self esteem in the blink of an eye. </p><p></p><p>SHAME on her father for being so ill prepared and damaging your daughter. </p><p></p><p>I'm 43 and if my Mom woke up tomorrow and said "I DO NOT want anything else to do with you?" It would kill me and make me feel just awful. Gosh even if a stranger walked up and said "I don't like you I don't want anything to do with you - without an explanation - it would really make you think - WHAT DID I do WRONG/ </p><p></p><p>And to a child - that's all she is consumed with - WHAT DID SHE DO WRONG? The answer is simple - nothing. The solution - is harder. Making her believe she's something or someone when a parent isn't behaving like a parent can take a lifetime. if you can't afford therapy - take her to your local mental health office - you will get a psychologist and he can talk to you about putting her on medications. to help control her anger and anxiety. </p><p>Mental health is on a sliding scale fee. So maybe a visit will cost you $10.00 = if she qualifies for medicaid - the prescriptions can be as little as $4 .</p><p></p><p>Do I think she needs to be on medication? Tough call. I don't know her - and right now while you may THINK that ALL of her problems are due to lack of communication with her dad - that's not necessarily true. Genetics play a part, and self-taught poor coping skills are LARGELY to blame. Once a child tries to deal with 1 problem internally and gets bombarded with others; we as parents really DO get blindsided as to what is happening. We don't see the child act out for a while and then BLAMO.....POW....ZAP....ZING.....WHO IN THE BLUE LAGOON ARE YOU? And by then - the kid has formed habits of coping with things that you had NO idea WERE problems, or she's been behaving in a bad manner and we overlooked it thinking it would go away - NOT become a habit - and well - tough luck on us - it became an acceptable way to deal with anger. </p><p></p><p>I would say from just what you've told us - first she needs to know that it is OKAY to be angry. It just takes time to learn how to express your anger in an appropriate manner. That takes time with a good therapist working with you and her so that you BOTH know THIS is appropriate and can be dealt with, but THIS "having a little hissy fit, throwing stuff, busting things and cursing, kicking the walls, damaging property - IS NOT appropriate. </p><p></p><p>Once you give your kids permission TO be angry - it takes some of the power away from being angry. When you start taking the POWER away and replacing it with models of acceptable behavior - it's hard, but do-able. </p><p>The longer you allow her to continue to behave inappropriately the longer it will take to get her TO behave appropriately - and just saying "YOU BEHAVE" isn't going to help - you have to get a coach and both work on it. You need to know how to detach from her fits - and SHE needs to know that it's okay to blow a cork - just so long as nothing and no one are being harmed, and you are taking away her ability to manipulate because YOU see through coaching with a therapist WHAT EXACTLY and HOW you are being manipulated. </p><p></p><p>My son is 17 - I promise you if I knew 1/2 of what I know now - the kid would NEVER have gotten away with the stuff he did. But...I didn't know any better. Once I KNEW I didn't know any better - I got help and we ALL got better. Make sense? </p><p></p><p>You were VERY right to get her to a therapist to talk about her anger. Drawing is another way to express your rage - Exercise daily with her - go for walks if you can. Join the YMCA - and get involved there. Fill up her time while she's working on her self -esteem in therapy. </p><p></p><p>As far as what to say to her - There is nothing you can say to her that is going to bring her dad back - or make him less of a horses patootie. She'll figure that one out on her own. I wouldn't put him down. I would just say he has a lot of problems. Reinforce that YOU love her - but don't try to be Mom and Dad - you can't. </p><p></p><p>And right now - she may benefit from an anti anxiety - but I think I'd ask a doctor about it. Maybe an anti-depressant - but so many SSRI's are not good for children. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you found us - I hope something someone posts will help you both. </p><p></p><p>And - I would suggest a post in Parent Emeritus - a LOT of the parents of older kids who are now grown and successful have dealt with what you are now - they could probably offer some very valuable insight and foresight to what you are facing. </p><p></p><p>Big hugs for her and you </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 120042, member: 4964"] Could you please move that paddle and put on a life vest? You are in the same boat I am. lol I have worked with a lot of kids who lost either one or both parents. I have also worked with kids who's father's or mother's wanted nothing to do with them. In some cases (very few) and with older children (16+) the child's behavior is so bad the parents are left with no choice BUT to sever ties. I can't imagine what ties at your daughters age a bio-parent would want to sever - except maybe that the parent is so ill (mentally or drug/alcohol) that he feels he's not a good example for her so he's cutting ties. Another reason is a lot of times parents remarry or find an S/O and the friction between the bio-parents is so bad one parent will just try to walk away. It's always the adults who ruin it in younger kids - children just have such a hard time grasping the idea and spend more time trying to pin the tail on the jackass. Or they play "It's my fault Mommy/Daddy is gone. It's an all consuming activity that cuts to the quick and can ruin self esteem in the blink of an eye. SHAME on her father for being so ill prepared and damaging your daughter. I'm 43 and if my Mom woke up tomorrow and said "I DO NOT want anything else to do with you?" It would kill me and make me feel just awful. Gosh even if a stranger walked up and said "I don't like you I don't want anything to do with you - without an explanation - it would really make you think - WHAT DID I do WRONG/ And to a child - that's all she is consumed with - WHAT DID SHE DO WRONG? The answer is simple - nothing. The solution - is harder. Making her believe she's something or someone when a parent isn't behaving like a parent can take a lifetime. if you can't afford therapy - take her to your local mental health office - you will get a psychologist and he can talk to you about putting her on medications. to help control her anger and anxiety. Mental health is on a sliding scale fee. So maybe a visit will cost you $10.00 = if she qualifies for medicaid - the prescriptions can be as little as $4 . Do I think she needs to be on medication? Tough call. I don't know her - and right now while you may THINK that ALL of her problems are due to lack of communication with her dad - that's not necessarily true. Genetics play a part, and self-taught poor coping skills are LARGELY to blame. Once a child tries to deal with 1 problem internally and gets bombarded with others; we as parents really DO get blindsided as to what is happening. We don't see the child act out for a while and then BLAMO.....POW....ZAP....ZING.....WHO IN THE BLUE LAGOON ARE YOU? And by then - the kid has formed habits of coping with things that you had NO idea WERE problems, or she's been behaving in a bad manner and we overlooked it thinking it would go away - NOT become a habit - and well - tough luck on us - it became an acceptable way to deal with anger. I would say from just what you've told us - first she needs to know that it is OKAY to be angry. It just takes time to learn how to express your anger in an appropriate manner. That takes time with a good therapist working with you and her so that you BOTH know THIS is appropriate and can be dealt with, but THIS "having a little hissy fit, throwing stuff, busting things and cursing, kicking the walls, damaging property - IS NOT appropriate. Once you give your kids permission TO be angry - it takes some of the power away from being angry. When you start taking the POWER away and replacing it with models of acceptable behavior - it's hard, but do-able. The longer you allow her to continue to behave inappropriately the longer it will take to get her TO behave appropriately - and just saying "YOU BEHAVE" isn't going to help - you have to get a coach and both work on it. You need to know how to detach from her fits - and SHE needs to know that it's okay to blow a cork - just so long as nothing and no one are being harmed, and you are taking away her ability to manipulate because YOU see through coaching with a therapist WHAT EXACTLY and HOW you are being manipulated. My son is 17 - I promise you if I knew 1/2 of what I know now - the kid would NEVER have gotten away with the stuff he did. But...I didn't know any better. Once I KNEW I didn't know any better - I got help and we ALL got better. Make sense? You were VERY right to get her to a therapist to talk about her anger. Drawing is another way to express your rage - Exercise daily with her - go for walks if you can. Join the YMCA - and get involved there. Fill up her time while she's working on her self -esteem in therapy. As far as what to say to her - There is nothing you can say to her that is going to bring her dad back - or make him less of a horses patootie. She'll figure that one out on her own. I wouldn't put him down. I would just say he has a lot of problems. Reinforce that YOU love her - but don't try to be Mom and Dad - you can't. And right now - she may benefit from an anti anxiety - but I think I'd ask a doctor about it. Maybe an anti-depressant - but so many SSRI's are not good for children. I'm glad you found us - I hope something someone posts will help you both. And - I would suggest a post in Parent Emeritus - a LOT of the parents of older kids who are now grown and successful have dealt with what you are now - they could probably offer some very valuable insight and foresight to what you are facing. Big hugs for her and you Star [/QUOTE]
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