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(I'm New) and I don't want to be around my child anymore
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 415854" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>We are struggling with many of the same issues. Here are some things that we are doing or have done that I think have helped. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>1. Therapy - for you not difficult child. Look for a therapist (therapist) who has a lot of experience treating or actively treats adolescents. She/he may have terrific advice for you and insights that other tdocs may lack. And you are right to be scared by your loss of control that resulted in physical violence. Moms are more likely to kill their children than dads. The one time I really saw my psychiatrist come on alert with me was the one time I told her my mildly psychotic thinking had switched from persistent thoughts about cutting off all my hair and then killing myself to ones about killing my kids. I *know* she was debating whether she needed to hospitalize me right then - whether I wanted to go or not.</p><p></p><p>2. Family therapy - if possible find a therapist who has training in Functional Family Therapy or another specific format that focuses on families with mental illness or delinquent/troubled youth. There's a specific type that is designed for families of a person with Bipolar that may be offered in your area, probably through a university psychiatric department. You may also find this by contacting the closest program for homeless or at-risk youth. I cannot tell you how much this has helped us.</p><p></p><p>3. If you haven't read Ross Green's The Explosive Child I strongly recommend you do so today. It does not offer panacea's but it does offered useful advice about how to pick and choose your battles and work with your child on more effective communication. If you read it some time in the past get it out and look at it again. It may make more sense to you now.</p><p></p><p>4. If the medications have not made a significant difference I would look into getting a second opinion on his psychiatric treatment. I would also talk to his psychiatrist about what circumstances should result in his hospitalization for aggression or danger to self. It might be very helpful for him to have an inpatient stay where they can see his behavior in a highly structured setting. And, frankly, I would be concerned about starting my child on daily or regular doses of Klonopin due to the likelihood he will become dependent and possibly addicted to it. This is a risk with all the benzodiazepines and can happen very quickly.</p><p></p><p>5. If the present school setting has no training in managing kids with mental illness then I doubt it will work out in the long run. We are getting ready to put our 15 yo son into a public school ED classroom and he is having many of the same behavior issues. I would return him to your local public school system and get an advocate to work with you on getting him the appropriate school placement given his behavioral and Learning Disability (LD) problems. If you have the $$ then you could look for a private school program that specializes in kids with Learning Disability (LD)'s and behavioral issues. You may still get a lot of benefit from having an educational consultant or advocate familiar with the programs in your area to help you even if you choose a private placement. That person should be able to direct you to school placements that are more likely to work.</p><p></p><p>6. Somehow you and husband must stay calm and give yourself some breathing room. If your difficult child is like my difficult child, if I express criticism or anger toward him that is exactly what I get back. It becomes a vicious circle and he cannot break out of it on his own. He simply doesn't have the brain maturity to do that once his fight or flight gets activated. Some of my stock phrases have become:</p><p></p><p>I will get back to you about that.</p><p>I will talk it over with wife and get back to you.</p><p>I need to take a break right now, I'm too upset to discuss this.</p><p>I'm going for a walk and we can talk about it when I get back.</p><p>I'd like you to take a break and go outside/for a walk because you are too upset to talk about this calmly.</p><p></p><p>7. I work really hard to avoid arguments and to keep my verbal interactions brief. "No" is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain yourself or offer reasons or anything like that. This has been really hard for me. Chances are he has problems processing language and too many words just become another source of irritation. You have the right to change your mind or do things differently at any time. If you reverse course or change your expectations or consequences it's enough to say that you have changed your mind. Period. End of discussion. You are the adult, you have the maturity to make these decisions and you do not owe your children an explanation. If they crow - well you are the person with the maturity to see that this is a normal reaction with any kid. You understand that your child may think he has won the battle. You understand that this is not a war and you are able to take a longer perspective. </p><p></p><p>8. Offering explanations of why you made a particular decision just turns into arguments with a difficult child because they simply do not have the maturity that matches their age. You wouldn't try to explain to a 6 year old why he can't play his Xbox for 5 hours. You would simply say No. Assume your difficult child is still operating at the concrete level of a much younger child when setting most limits and talking with him. I don't mean talk down to him, but rather to be simple and direct and do not try to justify yourself. You are the boss. Does your boss at work think he/she has to justify his decisions to you? No. Same concept.</p><p></p><p>9. Assume that any interaction with your difficult child is going to take at least 15 minutes if you want him to do something or he wants something from you. If at all possible, do not put yourself and him into a position where there is a time crunch when you have reason to think there's going to be a problem.</p><p></p><p>10. I will tell you now that, unless things magically change, one of you is probably going to have to cut back on your work hours because the older difficult child gets the more serious the trouble he will get into. Not getting along with the neighborhood kids will turn into fights and possibly more if you are not around to supervise. You cannot expect that this child is going to be able to handle independence the way a easy child might do. Once he ages out of after school care you will be up a creek unless you have a strong parental figure to supervise him in your absence. I know this will make you feel angry and worried about finances. But this was the deal when you decided to have kids. When you had them you were making a commitment for better or worse that goes way beyond anything you made to your spouse on your wedding day. And you get to exercise your maturity here by accepting the bad with the good and just dealing with it. Grouch all you like to your therapist. Do not grouch or blame your kid.</p><p></p><p>11. Find a way to spend at least 15 minutes every day or 30 minutes 4 times a week, preferably on a schedule, doing something that your child wants to do. You need to do this with each of your children. Even if all you do is sit together while he/she reads to you or draws while you look on or play cards - whatever, give them your undivided attention while they direct the show. This will help everyone feel more connected and trusting. Remember that longer perspective when you think to yourself - I don't have the time. You do have the time. It is a matter of choice and you have the maturity to make that choice.</p><p></p><p>When I write a long post like this filled with "shoulds" of a sort I always feel like I "should" apologize for telling someone else what to do when I so often feel like a miserable failure at doing these things. But it is like writing a letter to myself - I remind myself of what has worked, of why I am committed to this hard work despite the uncertain outcome, and I find that I have to step back and take a longer perspective on my own life in the process of the writing.</p><p></p><p>So I hope you will forgive the length and not feel overwhelmed. Our family is a work in progress and I know that I have not come to accept or learn these things overnight (try years - sometimes many years.).</p><p></p><p>I can't promise you that it will all be alright. I can tell you that I have worked as hard at parenting as I do because I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when I am old and know that I did my best and did not give up because things were hard. And doing your best may include sending your child to residential treatment or abandoning them to the State - because life is complicated and your best efforts may include knowing when to acknowledge that protecting yourself and your other children must take priority.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 415854, member: 7948"] We are struggling with many of the same issues. Here are some things that we are doing or have done that I think have helped. Take what makes sense to you and leave the rest. 1. Therapy - for you not difficult child. Look for a therapist (therapist) who has a lot of experience treating or actively treats adolescents. She/he may have terrific advice for you and insights that other tdocs may lack. And you are right to be scared by your loss of control that resulted in physical violence. Moms are more likely to kill their children than dads. The one time I really saw my psychiatrist come on alert with me was the one time I told her my mildly psychotic thinking had switched from persistent thoughts about cutting off all my hair and then killing myself to ones about killing my kids. I *know* she was debating whether she needed to hospitalize me right then - whether I wanted to go or not. 2. Family therapy - if possible find a therapist who has training in Functional Family Therapy or another specific format that focuses on families with mental illness or delinquent/troubled youth. There's a specific type that is designed for families of a person with Bipolar that may be offered in your area, probably through a university psychiatric department. You may also find this by contacting the closest program for homeless or at-risk youth. I cannot tell you how much this has helped us. 3. If you haven't read Ross Green's The Explosive Child I strongly recommend you do so today. It does not offer panacea's but it does offered useful advice about how to pick and choose your battles and work with your child on more effective communication. If you read it some time in the past get it out and look at it again. It may make more sense to you now. 4. If the medications have not made a significant difference I would look into getting a second opinion on his psychiatric treatment. I would also talk to his psychiatrist about what circumstances should result in his hospitalization for aggression or danger to self. It might be very helpful for him to have an inpatient stay where they can see his behavior in a highly structured setting. And, frankly, I would be concerned about starting my child on daily or regular doses of Klonopin due to the likelihood he will become dependent and possibly addicted to it. This is a risk with all the benzodiazepines and can happen very quickly. 5. If the present school setting has no training in managing kids with mental illness then I doubt it will work out in the long run. We are getting ready to put our 15 yo son into a public school ED classroom and he is having many of the same behavior issues. I would return him to your local public school system and get an advocate to work with you on getting him the appropriate school placement given his behavioral and Learning Disability (LD) problems. If you have the $$ then you could look for a private school program that specializes in kids with Learning Disability (LD)'s and behavioral issues. You may still get a lot of benefit from having an educational consultant or advocate familiar with the programs in your area to help you even if you choose a private placement. That person should be able to direct you to school placements that are more likely to work. 6. Somehow you and husband must stay calm and give yourself some breathing room. If your difficult child is like my difficult child, if I express criticism or anger toward him that is exactly what I get back. It becomes a vicious circle and he cannot break out of it on his own. He simply doesn't have the brain maturity to do that once his fight or flight gets activated. Some of my stock phrases have become: I will get back to you about that. I will talk it over with wife and get back to you. I need to take a break right now, I'm too upset to discuss this. I'm going for a walk and we can talk about it when I get back. I'd like you to take a break and go outside/for a walk because you are too upset to talk about this calmly. 7. I work really hard to avoid arguments and to keep my verbal interactions brief. "No" is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain yourself or offer reasons or anything like that. This has been really hard for me. Chances are he has problems processing language and too many words just become another source of irritation. You have the right to change your mind or do things differently at any time. If you reverse course or change your expectations or consequences it's enough to say that you have changed your mind. Period. End of discussion. You are the adult, you have the maturity to make these decisions and you do not owe your children an explanation. If they crow - well you are the person with the maturity to see that this is a normal reaction with any kid. You understand that your child may think he has won the battle. You understand that this is not a war and you are able to take a longer perspective. 8. Offering explanations of why you made a particular decision just turns into arguments with a difficult child because they simply do not have the maturity that matches their age. You wouldn't try to explain to a 6 year old why he can't play his Xbox for 5 hours. You would simply say No. Assume your difficult child is still operating at the concrete level of a much younger child when setting most limits and talking with him. I don't mean talk down to him, but rather to be simple and direct and do not try to justify yourself. You are the boss. Does your boss at work think he/she has to justify his decisions to you? No. Same concept. 9. Assume that any interaction with your difficult child is going to take at least 15 minutes if you want him to do something or he wants something from you. If at all possible, do not put yourself and him into a position where there is a time crunch when you have reason to think there's going to be a problem. 10. I will tell you now that, unless things magically change, one of you is probably going to have to cut back on your work hours because the older difficult child gets the more serious the trouble he will get into. Not getting along with the neighborhood kids will turn into fights and possibly more if you are not around to supervise. You cannot expect that this child is going to be able to handle independence the way a easy child might do. Once he ages out of after school care you will be up a creek unless you have a strong parental figure to supervise him in your absence. I know this will make you feel angry and worried about finances. But this was the deal when you decided to have kids. When you had them you were making a commitment for better or worse that goes way beyond anything you made to your spouse on your wedding day. And you get to exercise your maturity here by accepting the bad with the good and just dealing with it. Grouch all you like to your therapist. Do not grouch or blame your kid. 11. Find a way to spend at least 15 minutes every day or 30 minutes 4 times a week, preferably on a schedule, doing something that your child wants to do. You need to do this with each of your children. Even if all you do is sit together while he/she reads to you or draws while you look on or play cards - whatever, give them your undivided attention while they direct the show. This will help everyone feel more connected and trusting. Remember that longer perspective when you think to yourself - I don't have the time. You do have the time. It is a matter of choice and you have the maturity to make that choice. When I write a long post like this filled with "shoulds" of a sort I always feel like I "should" apologize for telling someone else what to do when I so often feel like a miserable failure at doing these things. But it is like writing a letter to myself - I remind myself of what has worked, of why I am committed to this hard work despite the uncertain outcome, and I find that I have to step back and take a longer perspective on my own life in the process of the writing. So I hope you will forgive the length and not feel overwhelmed. Our family is a work in progress and I know that I have not come to accept or learn these things overnight (try years - sometimes many years.). I can't promise you that it will all be alright. I can tell you that I have worked as hard at parenting as I do because I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when I am old and know that I did my best and did not give up because things were hard. And doing your best may include sending your child to residential treatment or abandoning them to the State - because life is complicated and your best efforts may include knowing when to acknowledge that protecting yourself and your other children must take priority. Hugs for all of us. Patricia [/QUOTE]
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