Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
(I'm New) and I don't want to be around my child anymore
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 415879" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Oh dear. Rookie mistake. You never give everything back all at once. been there done that.</p><p></p><p>You give one thing back that is easy to take away again and if possible you give it back for a set amount of time. And you tie it to something that the kid is at least 50-75% likely to be able to do. Otherwise you end up with just what you've got - he figures it's impossible so why bother to fight his impulse to do something he is pretty sure you won't want him to do and that will lose him the priviledge.</p><p></p><p>And it's pretty much a waste of breath to ask why. They usually don't know or won't say why. And really, does it matter? The point is that they did something you don't want them to do. So there needs to be a consequence. </p><p></p><p>You need to think longer term than just next Tuesday. You need to think increments. And he has not lost anywhere near everything let me tell you. Does he still have his door? My son doesn't. Does he still get to go to the store and buy gum etc? My son doesn't. Does he get any spending money at all or anything nice done for him? Does he have special clothes he likes that he doesn't need in order to have something to wear every day? Does he have a clock radio that plays music or cds? Does he get to stay home instead of going with you everywhere? Yup, there's probably still lots you can take away. Not that you want to go there - just saying.</p><p></p><p>I personally do not believe in the value of homework most of the time. Doing a report or rough draft of an essay is one thing. Doing math problems over and over is another. There's lots of research that says that homework is of minimal value to most kids. To our kids and families it can be destructive. So I would talk to the school about reducing or eliminating his homework for now. If it's that small they should be able to adapt to that request. So what if he falls "behind"? It's a temporary thing while he learns to manage his impulsivity and emotions better. That is an absolutely valid goal in my opinion and it's really not hard for him to catch up once he has better mastery of his emotions.</p><p></p><p>If they won't work with you on this then you will have to decide how best to proceed. I have been known to do my son's homework for him when he had a teacher who was completely unwilling to bend on this and was assigning 45 math problems a night, much of it make work. Or to point out to my son that half the problems had the answers in the back of the book.</p><p></p><p>I would pick something that you can reward today in a small but meaningful way. Maybe he gets to go to pick a movie to watch. Or he gets to decide what you are having for dinner. He gets to go to bed 15 or 30 minutes later (but not if bedtime is already a battleground). </p><p></p><p>What do you want from him? I say civility. If you can get him to do that every day even for a little while you will have made a huge breakthrough that will carry over to lots of places besides home.</p><p></p><p>You can measure civility in lots of ways. No foul language if that's a problem. Or no shouting. No picking fights with anyone. No threats, no threatening behavior, no hurtful words. Pick just one and be consistent for a few hours in reminding him of his agreement and the reward. And you must be prepared to take away the reward if he screws up. However you are completely free to wait a couple hours and let him try again. There really are no rules in that sense. Tell him everyone comes with a reset button and gets do-overs. Within limits.</p><p></p><p>The things for which there can be no reset or do-over at our house are violence, stealing, threatening, taking revenge, hurting animals, property destruction. </p><p></p><p>Don't nag. Use the lift of an eyebrow, clearing the throat, turning your back to him as reminders. If he doesn't get these then he is having problems with understanding non-verbal communication or he doesn't care enough yet. </p><p></p><p>You can also practice selective deafness for some things. If you don't hear him mutter bad things under his breath (or even said out loud as long as they're not to your face or to a sibling in your hearing) you don't have to punish them right? We all get to grumble sometimes. What we don't get to do is be defiant.</p><p></p><p>The first time he bursts out with the wrong thing, say "would you like to try that again?" You *want* him to be successful OK?</p><p></p><p>Both my kids have language processing issues. I have started writing things down for them that I know are going to be triggering and it has made a big difference, especially with my daughter. Keep it simple. A list of chores - not too many - with a time limit on getting them done. It also helps if you have a kid who doesn't get non-verbal signals well.</p><p></p><p>And do not fall for the "I don't know what you mean" line. They do know. They know what it means to be civil and polite. They know what a clean room looks like. They know what the toilet looks like when it's not dirty. They almost always know. So you look at them and you raise your eyebrow, maybe you say "Seriously?" and then you go back to what you were doing. If you really think they don't know how to clean the toilet then you should tell them - when you get to this chore come get me and we'll do it together. And then do it.</p><p></p><p>The final piece of wisdom I will share came to me from an old Special Education teacher who was doing home/hospital with my son. "You have to inspect what you expect." I had never thought of it that way but it is absolutely true. If you do not hold them to a standard then you are not doing them any favors. And the only way to hold them to a standard is to inspect. Even when you are pretty sure they did a good job. That gives you a chance to say "good job" and quietly walk away.</p><p></p><p>Good luck,</p><p></p><p>P</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 415879, member: 7948"] Oh dear. Rookie mistake. You never give everything back all at once. been there done that. You give one thing back that is easy to take away again and if possible you give it back for a set amount of time. And you tie it to something that the kid is at least 50-75% likely to be able to do. Otherwise you end up with just what you've got - he figures it's impossible so why bother to fight his impulse to do something he is pretty sure you won't want him to do and that will lose him the priviledge. And it's pretty much a waste of breath to ask why. They usually don't know or won't say why. And really, does it matter? The point is that they did something you don't want them to do. So there needs to be a consequence. You need to think longer term than just next Tuesday. You need to think increments. And he has not lost anywhere near everything let me tell you. Does he still have his door? My son doesn't. Does he still get to go to the store and buy gum etc? My son doesn't. Does he get any spending money at all or anything nice done for him? Does he have special clothes he likes that he doesn't need in order to have something to wear every day? Does he have a clock radio that plays music or cds? Does he get to stay home instead of going with you everywhere? Yup, there's probably still lots you can take away. Not that you want to go there - just saying. I personally do not believe in the value of homework most of the time. Doing a report or rough draft of an essay is one thing. Doing math problems over and over is another. There's lots of research that says that homework is of minimal value to most kids. To our kids and families it can be destructive. So I would talk to the school about reducing or eliminating his homework for now. If it's that small they should be able to adapt to that request. So what if he falls "behind"? It's a temporary thing while he learns to manage his impulsivity and emotions better. That is an absolutely valid goal in my opinion and it's really not hard for him to catch up once he has better mastery of his emotions. If they won't work with you on this then you will have to decide how best to proceed. I have been known to do my son's homework for him when he had a teacher who was completely unwilling to bend on this and was assigning 45 math problems a night, much of it make work. Or to point out to my son that half the problems had the answers in the back of the book. I would pick something that you can reward today in a small but meaningful way. Maybe he gets to go to pick a movie to watch. Or he gets to decide what you are having for dinner. He gets to go to bed 15 or 30 minutes later (but not if bedtime is already a battleground). What do you want from him? I say civility. If you can get him to do that every day even for a little while you will have made a huge breakthrough that will carry over to lots of places besides home. You can measure civility in lots of ways. No foul language if that's a problem. Or no shouting. No picking fights with anyone. No threats, no threatening behavior, no hurtful words. Pick just one and be consistent for a few hours in reminding him of his agreement and the reward. And you must be prepared to take away the reward if he screws up. However you are completely free to wait a couple hours and let him try again. There really are no rules in that sense. Tell him everyone comes with a reset button and gets do-overs. Within limits. The things for which there can be no reset or do-over at our house are violence, stealing, threatening, taking revenge, hurting animals, property destruction. Don't nag. Use the lift of an eyebrow, clearing the throat, turning your back to him as reminders. If he doesn't get these then he is having problems with understanding non-verbal communication or he doesn't care enough yet. You can also practice selective deafness for some things. If you don't hear him mutter bad things under his breath (or even said out loud as long as they're not to your face or to a sibling in your hearing) you don't have to punish them right? We all get to grumble sometimes. What we don't get to do is be defiant. The first time he bursts out with the wrong thing, say "would you like to try that again?" You *want* him to be successful OK? Both my kids have language processing issues. I have started writing things down for them that I know are going to be triggering and it has made a big difference, especially with my daughter. Keep it simple. A list of chores - not too many - with a time limit on getting them done. It also helps if you have a kid who doesn't get non-verbal signals well. And do not fall for the "I don't know what you mean" line. They do know. They know what it means to be civil and polite. They know what a clean room looks like. They know what the toilet looks like when it's not dirty. They almost always know. So you look at them and you raise your eyebrow, maybe you say "Seriously?" and then you go back to what you were doing. If you really think they don't know how to clean the toilet then you should tell them - when you get to this chore come get me and we'll do it together. And then do it. The final piece of wisdom I will share came to me from an old Special Education teacher who was doing home/hospital with my son. "You have to inspect what you expect." I had never thought of it that way but it is absolutely true. If you do not hold them to a standard then you are not doing them any favors. And the only way to hold them to a standard is to inspect. Even when you are pretty sure they did a good job. That gives you a chance to say "good job" and quietly walk away. Good luck, P [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
(I'm New) and I don't want to be around my child anymore
Top