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Substance Abuse
I'm scared, what's going to happen?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 600292" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am sorry things are so hard. It is incredibly difficult to deal with an addicted loved one. One of the hardest parts is realizing that YOU are sick and need help just as much as your loved one does. Addiction is a truly bizarre disease that infects everyone in the addict's life, not just the addict. I urge you to go to NAfamily meetings and/or alanon family meetings. Generally an addict will also drink in addition to using, and in many towns (at least in my area) there are not as many NA family meetings as there are alanon meetings, so alanon becomes the place for families of all types of addiction not just for those addicted to alcohol. </p><p></p><p>You mentioned thinking you are a bad parent and blaming yourself. I have a quick and easy test to show if you are a bad parent. First, did you wake up and think about how best to ruin your child's lfie at any point? Second, did you do the best you could, and when you learned better or became able to provide better, you did and/or provided better at least as much as you were capable of? </p><p></p><p>If you answered No to the first question and yes to the second, or even most of the time to the second, then you are a good if notgreat parent. I have seen bad parenting. Bad parents do NOT try to improve, and they do NOT worry about whether they are good parents. They don't care. YOU DO. It is clear that you care,and care deeply about your daughter. You are FAR from being a bad parent.</p><p></p><p>You were not to blame when your daughter came home with a cold,or strep, or any other infection. Not even if she got head lice. You are not to blame for her addiction. That is stinkin' thinkin' and will trap you in codependent and enabling behaviors. You want to get help for her and for you so that you can change those things, but they do NOT mean you are a bad parent. They mean this illness has crept into your thoughts and behaviors and you need treatment also.</p><p></p><p>When your daughter was in school, if there was something you could do to help her raise a grade from a C (70%) or D (60%) to an A (100%) or B (90%), would you have done it? I bet that answer is yes. Did you know that if the family gets help, includingindividual therapy and regularly going to alanon or NAfamily meetings, it raises the odds that the addict will get and stay clean by 30%. So go to get the help that you and she both need, and follow what you learn as you get that help. It canmake a HUGe difference. I have a sibling who is an addict and having the family get help makes a big difference in every family I am aware of.</p><p></p><p>I don't care what a man who gave a few min to create her and then never had time for her says about your parenting. Where was he when she was sick, had homework, played a sport, performed in a play or with the band, worked on a project, was grumpy or dealing with PMS or otherwise just being a difficult teen? Until he has been there through the tough times as well as the good ones, he has ZERO right to say a single word about your parenting. If he thought you were a bad parent, why didn't he try to get custody? Clearly you could not have been that bad,or he would have, wouldn't he? Ignore him if he isn't helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 600292, member: 1233"] I am sorry things are so hard. It is incredibly difficult to deal with an addicted loved one. One of the hardest parts is realizing that YOU are sick and need help just as much as your loved one does. Addiction is a truly bizarre disease that infects everyone in the addict's life, not just the addict. I urge you to go to NAfamily meetings and/or alanon family meetings. Generally an addict will also drink in addition to using, and in many towns (at least in my area) there are not as many NA family meetings as there are alanon meetings, so alanon becomes the place for families of all types of addiction not just for those addicted to alcohol. You mentioned thinking you are a bad parent and blaming yourself. I have a quick and easy test to show if you are a bad parent. First, did you wake up and think about how best to ruin your child's lfie at any point? Second, did you do the best you could, and when you learned better or became able to provide better, you did and/or provided better at least as much as you were capable of? If you answered No to the first question and yes to the second, or even most of the time to the second, then you are a good if notgreat parent. I have seen bad parenting. Bad parents do NOT try to improve, and they do NOT worry about whether they are good parents. They don't care. YOU DO. It is clear that you care,and care deeply about your daughter. You are FAR from being a bad parent. You were not to blame when your daughter came home with a cold,or strep, or any other infection. Not even if she got head lice. You are not to blame for her addiction. That is stinkin' thinkin' and will trap you in codependent and enabling behaviors. You want to get help for her and for you so that you can change those things, but they do NOT mean you are a bad parent. They mean this illness has crept into your thoughts and behaviors and you need treatment also. When your daughter was in school, if there was something you could do to help her raise a grade from a C (70%) or D (60%) to an A (100%) or B (90%), would you have done it? I bet that answer is yes. Did you know that if the family gets help, includingindividual therapy and regularly going to alanon or NAfamily meetings, it raises the odds that the addict will get and stay clean by 30%. So go to get the help that you and she both need, and follow what you learn as you get that help. It canmake a HUGe difference. I have a sibling who is an addict and having the family get help makes a big difference in every family I am aware of. I don't care what a man who gave a few min to create her and then never had time for her says about your parenting. Where was he when she was sick, had homework, played a sport, performed in a play or with the band, worked on a project, was grumpy or dealing with PMS or otherwise just being a difficult teen? Until he has been there through the tough times as well as the good ones, he has ZERO right to say a single word about your parenting. If he thought you were a bad parent, why didn't he try to get custody? Clearly you could not have been that bad,or he would have, wouldn't he? Ignore him if he isn't helpful. [/QUOTE]
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