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I'm so disappointed in my 20 year & cannot even speak to him...help!!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 559884" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi DT. Yes, I know it all (detaching) sounds great, but how do you do it when you love your son so much and he's your only child.................I know how you feel exactly. I only have one child too, and we are presently estranged. I came on this board in January in precisely the same place you find yourself in, all the same fears and feelings, I know just what you are saying. I felt I blew it too and had all the guilt that goes along with that belief. </p><p></p><p>As all of us here come to realize, this detachment stuff is a process, it takes time because along the way we have to change our thinking considerably and shift our beliefs about parenting and love and what that means. Once our kids turn into difficult child's (what we call our challenging kids here, 'gifts from God.') our lives turn upside down. All bets are off. Everything you thought was going to happen, all ways you used to act and respond are now completely different and it all demands huge changes. It's a step by step process, ..........you've recognized you can't go on like this. I would say that's probably the first step. Then you realize the toll it's taken on you and your family and now you don't even like your own kid (always love them, but their behaviors force a different perception to form).............. Then you realize you can't live with them. Sounds like that's where you are.</p><p></p><p>For me it was all about setting boundaries, strict and unbreakable ones, forcing you to get real about exactly what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Because this kid isn't playing by the usual rules, you have to change how you respond. That takes effort, support and time. As he acts badly, you will need to look at each action and make a boundary about it. After awhile, those boundaries add up and you've tripped over a new way of being. Along the way you have sleepless nights worrying. I felt a lot of guilt and anger, fear and sorrow. It went on for months. It was hard and painful, I won't sugarcoat this, you're in a tough place. I got a lot of support.......therapy, a therapist run support group, 12 step codependency groups, I read a lot of books and thankfully, I found this site and received so much really good support from other parents who've been in the same place. </p><p></p><p>Not one of us knew how to do this until we arrived where you find yourself, so you're not alone, and like us, you'll find your way along this crooked, mostly dark and sometimes very scary path. Scary because <em>it's the unknown, it's our child, we love them and we don't know what to do</em>. My suggestion to everyone is to get as much support as you can, look under every rock to find help in whatever way you can, read books, talk to other parents, find support groups because this whole process goes against all your parental instincts to care for, to love, to protect, to nurture, to help.............doing all of that can turn into enabling with our difficult child's and stops them from making their own choices and suffering the natural consequences of their behavior. We have to learn to love them in different, more detached ways.</p><p></p><p>You didn't fail. You did the best you knew how. Sometimes we do all the right things and our kids still turn out to be a challenge. Stopping your guilt will be very helpful for you to make healthy choices where you don't get pulled back into his manipulations. It's hard, I know, to stop blaming yourself, but <em>stop blaming yourself! </em> As you go through this, you will make choices to take care of you,......... we focus on our children for so long and then at a point, we have to stop and put the focus back on ourselves so that they can be free to be adults. Sounds easy, but it's hard. And, just so you know, detaching from my daughter, my difficult child, was the single most difficult and painful thing I've ever done in my entire life. When I look back I wonder how I even got through it, but I did. You will too. Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Get yourself LOTS of support. Post here as often as you need to. Read books on adult children and how to detach from them, there are plenty of them around. Recite the serenity prayer. Pray. Do a lot of nice, nurturing things for yourself. Spend time in nature, take walks, meditate, take baths, go out with your girlfriends and laugh. Always laugh, that helps a lot. Sending you gentle hugs for your hurting mother's heart and prayers that you find your way through this and find peace once again...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 559884, member: 13542"] Hi DT. Yes, I know it all (detaching) sounds great, but how do you do it when you love your son so much and he's your only child.................I know how you feel exactly. I only have one child too, and we are presently estranged. I came on this board in January in precisely the same place you find yourself in, all the same fears and feelings, I know just what you are saying. I felt I blew it too and had all the guilt that goes along with that belief. As all of us here come to realize, this detachment stuff is a process, it takes time because along the way we have to change our thinking considerably and shift our beliefs about parenting and love and what that means. Once our kids turn into difficult child's (what we call our challenging kids here, 'gifts from God.') our lives turn upside down. All bets are off. Everything you thought was going to happen, all ways you used to act and respond are now completely different and it all demands huge changes. It's a step by step process, ..........you've recognized you can't go on like this. I would say that's probably the first step. Then you realize the toll it's taken on you and your family and now you don't even like your own kid (always love them, but their behaviors force a different perception to form).............. Then you realize you can't live with them. Sounds like that's where you are. For me it was all about setting boundaries, strict and unbreakable ones, forcing you to get real about exactly what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Because this kid isn't playing by the usual rules, you have to change how you respond. That takes effort, support and time. As he acts badly, you will need to look at each action and make a boundary about it. After awhile, those boundaries add up and you've tripped over a new way of being. Along the way you have sleepless nights worrying. I felt a lot of guilt and anger, fear and sorrow. It went on for months. It was hard and painful, I won't sugarcoat this, you're in a tough place. I got a lot of support.......therapy, a therapist run support group, 12 step codependency groups, I read a lot of books and thankfully, I found this site and received so much really good support from other parents who've been in the same place. Not one of us knew how to do this until we arrived where you find yourself, so you're not alone, and like us, you'll find your way along this crooked, mostly dark and sometimes very scary path. Scary because [I]it's the unknown, it's our child, we love them and we don't know what to do[/I]. My suggestion to everyone is to get as much support as you can, look under every rock to find help in whatever way you can, read books, talk to other parents, find support groups because this whole process goes against all your parental instincts to care for, to love, to protect, to nurture, to help.............doing all of that can turn into enabling with our difficult child's and stops them from making their own choices and suffering the natural consequences of their behavior. We have to learn to love them in different, more detached ways. You didn't fail. You did the best you knew how. Sometimes we do all the right things and our kids still turn out to be a challenge. Stopping your guilt will be very helpful for you to make healthy choices where you don't get pulled back into his manipulations. It's hard, I know, to stop blaming yourself, but [I]stop blaming yourself! [/I] As you go through this, you will make choices to take care of you,......... we focus on our children for so long and then at a point, we have to stop and put the focus back on ourselves so that they can be free to be adults. Sounds easy, but it's hard. And, just so you know, detaching from my daughter, my difficult child, was the single most difficult and painful thing I've ever done in my entire life. When I look back I wonder how I even got through it, but I did. You will too. Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Get yourself LOTS of support. Post here as often as you need to. Read books on adult children and how to detach from them, there are plenty of them around. Recite the serenity prayer. Pray. Do a lot of nice, nurturing things for yourself. Spend time in nature, take walks, meditate, take baths, go out with your girlfriends and laugh. Always laugh, that helps a lot. Sending you gentle hugs for your hurting mother's heart and prayers that you find your way through this and find peace once again............... [/QUOTE]
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I'm so disappointed in my 20 year & cannot even speak to him...help!!!!
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