Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I'm so discouraged...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 303692" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>I basically agree with Susie. We set our oldest free to go his own way the day after he turned 18 when he failed to adhere to a set of basic rules of the household - all of them oriented toward safety (his or the family's). We waited til the day after he turned 18 because here we were legally obligated to provide him a home until his 18th birthday but not after that.</p><p></p><p>It was the best choice we ever made - for him and for us. It was not a perfect solution but it was the best one available at the time. Our son was even more disabled than yours due to severe physical disabilities and he has managed on his own for 8 years now. He's not living a life I would have chosen but it is the one he's chosen and he's generally very happy.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I wouldn't wait 2 weeks or find him a place to go. I would give him a very specific short written list of rules, a statement of the consequences for breaking the rules (at all) and require his signature that he understands the rules and consequence (eviction). If he refuses to sign then the consequence happens immediately - within 2 hours no more. The very first violation of the rules he's out. No warning, no whining, nothing. You just ask him where he'd like to be dropped off and that he has 1 hour to pack his clothes before you drop him off there.</p><p></p><p>If he receives public benefits of some kind and you are his payee (i.e. you get the check and give him the money) you need to immediately - I mean today - start the process of handing off this job to an agency or other program that provides this service. Do not continue in this role - it will defeat your efforts to enable him to become independent as long as he associates you with the source of his money. </p><p></p><p>It also messes up the boundaries of your relationship because you attempt to control how he spends his money. It's his - he needs to learn how to manage it without your "help". In this he is the one that is correct - you are trying to control him and he will fight you more and more viciously if you continue to do so.</p><p></p><p>Disconnecting completely for now is your goal. It's a painful leap of faith but you are not doing him any favors by letting him think you will always be there to rescue him or that it's OK to treat family members (or anyone else) like dirt. He's allowed to call you to say hello once a week but that's it. You can make sure he has a list of phone numbers for social service agencies or other programs that will help him but do not call those places and arrange for them to help him.</p><p></p><p>Do not give him a bunch of money either. A small amount is OK but not enough to do more than buy a little food and get a place to stay for one night. And, no, you will not be giving him anymore when that is gone.</p><p></p><p>I would change the locks now and force him to come and go when you are home. Lock him out of the house when you aren't there. This will absolutely send him a very clear message that you mean what you say. If you don't do this then you will need to get the locks changed before you leave the house after setting him free. Expect that he will try to come back and get in - possibly break in. You might let him know that you will call the police if he tries to break in.</p><p></p><p>This may sound harsh to you. You may feel that due to his disabilities - esp. the schizophrenia - he's not responsible for his behavior or capable of managing on his own. Our son was also psychiatricly impaired in addition to be dependent on a power wheelchair for mobility. But he has gotten along for 6 years now and we are all much happier with him on his own. I suspect that if you are honest with yourself you will admit that your son is able to modify his behavior based on the situation so you do not need to be responsible for him in any way.</p><p></p><p>We do occassionally bring our sone home for a weekend visit or out of town to see grandparents now but it was several years before we reached that point. So don't assume that things won't get better with time because probably they will.</p><p></p><p>Here are some questions that may help you clarify your thinking and feelings in regards to this advice. </p><p>Are you meeting the needs of the other children in your home?</p><p>Are they victims of your oldest's bad behavior?</p><p>What example are you setting for them?</p><p>What happens to them if you continue to get more depressed and god forbid, in a moment of deep despair, hurt yourself?</p><p></p><p>Please take action today to protect and care for each of your children and yourself. Each child needs something different from you - right now your oldest needs you to stand firm and show him how adults treat each other and what "normal" expectations are for a grown man. And no matter how you feel in your heart, he is indeed a grown man as far as society is concerned. </p><p></p><p>Best wishes,</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 303692, member: 7948"] I basically agree with Susie. We set our oldest free to go his own way the day after he turned 18 when he failed to adhere to a set of basic rules of the household - all of them oriented toward safety (his or the family's). We waited til the day after he turned 18 because here we were legally obligated to provide him a home until his 18th birthday but not after that. It was the best choice we ever made - for him and for us. It was not a perfect solution but it was the best one available at the time. Our son was even more disabled than yours due to severe physical disabilities and he has managed on his own for 8 years now. He's not living a life I would have chosen but it is the one he's chosen and he's generally very happy. Personally, I wouldn't wait 2 weeks or find him a place to go. I would give him a very specific short written list of rules, a statement of the consequences for breaking the rules (at all) and require his signature that he understands the rules and consequence (eviction). If he refuses to sign then the consequence happens immediately - within 2 hours no more. The very first violation of the rules he's out. No warning, no whining, nothing. You just ask him where he'd like to be dropped off and that he has 1 hour to pack his clothes before you drop him off there. If he receives public benefits of some kind and you are his payee (i.e. you get the check and give him the money) you need to immediately - I mean today - start the process of handing off this job to an agency or other program that provides this service. Do not continue in this role - it will defeat your efforts to enable him to become independent as long as he associates you with the source of his money. It also messes up the boundaries of your relationship because you attempt to control how he spends his money. It's his - he needs to learn how to manage it without your "help". In this he is the one that is correct - you are trying to control him and he will fight you more and more viciously if you continue to do so. Disconnecting completely for now is your goal. It's a painful leap of faith but you are not doing him any favors by letting him think you will always be there to rescue him or that it's OK to treat family members (or anyone else) like dirt. He's allowed to call you to say hello once a week but that's it. You can make sure he has a list of phone numbers for social service agencies or other programs that will help him but do not call those places and arrange for them to help him. Do not give him a bunch of money either. A small amount is OK but not enough to do more than buy a little food and get a place to stay for one night. And, no, you will not be giving him anymore when that is gone. I would change the locks now and force him to come and go when you are home. Lock him out of the house when you aren't there. This will absolutely send him a very clear message that you mean what you say. If you don't do this then you will need to get the locks changed before you leave the house after setting him free. Expect that he will try to come back and get in - possibly break in. You might let him know that you will call the police if he tries to break in. This may sound harsh to you. You may feel that due to his disabilities - esp. the schizophrenia - he's not responsible for his behavior or capable of managing on his own. Our son was also psychiatricly impaired in addition to be dependent on a power wheelchair for mobility. But he has gotten along for 6 years now and we are all much happier with him on his own. I suspect that if you are honest with yourself you will admit that your son is able to modify his behavior based on the situation so you do not need to be responsible for him in any way. We do occassionally bring our sone home for a weekend visit or out of town to see grandparents now but it was several years before we reached that point. So don't assume that things won't get better with time because probably they will. Here are some questions that may help you clarify your thinking and feelings in regards to this advice. Are you meeting the needs of the other children in your home? Are they victims of your oldest's bad behavior? What example are you setting for them? What happens to them if you continue to get more depressed and god forbid, in a moment of deep despair, hurt yourself? Please take action today to protect and care for each of your children and yourself. Each child needs something different from you - right now your oldest needs you to stand firm and show him how adults treat each other and what "normal" expectations are for a grown man. And no matter how you feel in your heart, he is indeed a grown man as far as society is concerned. Best wishes, [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I'm so discouraged...
Top