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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 304157" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Trish -</p><p></p><p>Is there someone in your life that you trust to give you good advice? Someone perhaps whose children are now adults out in the world? If you do, maybe it would be helpful to you to talk things over with that person. </p><p></p><p>I suggest this because my experience with e-mail and on-line posts is that the emotion, the physical contact, the tone of voice which add so much to our understanding of another person's words cannot be conveyed well by words on a screen. Sometimes thoughts shared out of caring and love can be misunderstood or seen differently than as intended. My words are intended to support, to speak that which is often unspeakable among those who do not have a difficult child in their lives, to encourage you to challenge the status quo and to consider the possibility that there are other ways of looking at your situation and your son's behavior.</p><p></p><p>I see your experience through the lens of my experience. Perhaps I am projecting things onto your situation that are not there. It's hard to know. What I do know is that we have been through a similar struggle with our own child. It was painful, it was scary, it was at times a nightmare. But we made it through and learned some powerful lessons along the way.</p><p></p><p>Our son struggled to express his need for independence and self-determination. He didn't use "his words" - instead he used actions. He was so extremely disabled and we had taken care of him for so long you see. We decided almost everything for him, we did almost everything for him. We made what, in retrospect, were clearly token and patronizing attempts to include him in decisions about his life or to hand him responsibility for his money or his time. We made many mistakes.</p><p></p><p>Our son has a severe bone disorder. He is about 2 feet tall because his legs are fixed in a seated position in front of him. He has extreme deformities of the arms and legs. Each of his fingers is a different length and width. He can fracture an arm by turning it the wrong way - something that happens often because his elbows and wrists are fused and his arms are shaped like a distorted S. On top of these physical disabilities he had significant learning disabilities, he was paranoid and depressed. Because of his lack of insight he expressed his severe internal conflict through his body - pseudo-seizures, paralysis, loss of sensation.</p><p></p><p>He resorted to behavior that was much more extreme that what you are seeing with your son. The week before he turned 18 he attempted suicide every single day. He threatened us with knives and tried to run us down with his power wheelchair.</p><p></p><p>He has been on his own for 8 years now. We have been horrified at times by the choices he has made. He has been homeless more than once. He takes incredible risks that put him in great danger at times. But he is happy. He is independent. He is an adult - not always a very competent one but an adult nevertheless.</p><p></p><p>Given where we have been and where we are now I want to say to you what no one in our lives had the insight or knowledge to say to us during those dark, dark days. Take from my words the parts that make sense to you and leave the rest. So here is what I think.</p><p></p><p>I think that this conversation is really about you - </p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about how scared you are for your son</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about how accustomed you are to your role in his life and the way it imposes shape and purpose on your life</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about how you feel when you let yourself wonder what you will do when you don't have to take care of him anymore</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about how you will manage when you don't know what he's doing every second of every day</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about facing the possibility that you have made parenting mistakes that will make his life harder - something we ALL have done - it's part of life</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">about resisting recognition of your own entrenched patterns and how those patterns may be effecting the people you love - especially your son - in unintended ways.</li> </ul><p></p><p>Here in the USA it would be a significant sign of disrespect to refer to an adult male as "His Lordship". Maybe it's a cultural issue but coming from you it sounds passive-aggressive. It sounds like you resent him but won't set appropriate boundaries that would allow each of you to respect the other. </p><p></p><p>He's holding down an apprenticeship as a butcher and you want to do a sticker chart for him to earn his trips to the video store?</p><p></p><p>It sounds like there is a huge disconnect between his behavior and your expectations at home and his behavior elsewhere and the expectations other adults have for him - places like his apprenticeship. Are they doing a sticker chart with him? Would they look at you like you were crazy if you suggested it? </p><p></p><p>My daughter has severe auditory processing problems. Yes it is challenging. Speech therapy has helped a lot but I think that having adults in her life who expect her to do what it takes to be successful (and letting her get on with it) are a big part of her success and her exuberant self-confidence. I don't actually take much credit for this - she is an amazing child and has many adults in her life who encourage her independence.</p><p></p><p>About the psychologist - why should you be mad about what the psychologist said? Is this your therapy or your son's? What are you doing in the middle of that relationship? Perhaps I misunderstood you but the way you describe this sounded inappropriate to me.</p><p></p><p>Ask yourself: who's in charge of his life? You or him? It should not be you any more. You say you want to be free of this "burden" but your words and your actions are not congruent.</p><p></p><p>Smiling while gritting your teeth and pretending that everything is swell, complaining to others without making any changes in your actions, enduring public abuse, involving yourself in his therapeutic relationship, making up sticker charts to motivate him, giving him control of his money and then insisting that he "save" some when and how you tell him - does this sound like you are modelling a healthy relationship between a 19 year old man and his parent? </p><p></p><p>It appears that you are sabotaging him big time Mom. Unless he's mentally retarded - and I mean IQ 50 or less kind of MR (I don't see that listed in your description anywhere) YOU are not behaving appropriately. His behavior may be obnoxious but you're the one who's been an adult for all these years and should be able to take the longer view.</p><p></p><p>It's very scary to let them fail, to watch them make mistakes that you know are going to cost them dearly. Hopefully you grew up in a home where you experienced independence as a young adult. If so, you survived didn't you? How are our children ever going to learn those lessons if we don't let them fail?</p><p></p><p>You may be quite amazed at the resourcefulness your son displays when he has no one to rescue him. We were. What will he have to feel proud of if you spend your days and nights arranging his life and fixing things for him? That he did what you told him to do? Don't you want him to experience the sense of accomplishment that only comes with overcoming life's challenges on his own?</p><p></p><p>And what will he do when the day comes that you are no longer there to take care of him? It could be tomorrow or next week or next month. If he can take care of himself then, he can probably take care of himself now. If he is truly so mentally handicapped that he cannot care for himself without close supervision, then you need to be looking for a sheltered community for him to live in or some other arrangement that gets him out of your house and into a supported program run by professionals. He deserves the dignity of being treated as an adult no matter what and he's not getting that with you.</p><p></p><p>I understand completely how hard it is to step back and let them go. But you MUST do it. If you don't your child may never reach his potential, your relationship with him is likely to become distorted with anger and resentment, and, in the end, he may not have the tools he needs to live life after you are gone.</p><p></p><p>Have faith in him. Believe that he can handle things himself. Envision the smile on his face when he discovers he's a good employee. Let yourself imagine how he will feel when a decision he made on his own turns out right. Think about how he might feel when a decision he made turns out wrong and he can't blame you for how things turned out - just think what his therapist can do with that kind of ammunition!</p><p></p><p>He won't do everything right. He may end up living a life you would not have chosen for him. But it's not YOUR life. It's HIS.</p><p></p><p>People don't grow without a certain amount of pain, suffering and frustration. Take away the hard times and you are likely to get something stunted and deformed - haunted by self-doubt and self-pity. It is the painful times that give us insight into ourselves.</p><p></p><p>There's a lesson in that for you personally. You are not finished growing, changing, giving, loving. You have potential of your own to fulfill in this life, gifts to give to the wider world, new ideas to explore, new places to go, new things to see and experience. Can you continue to mature into the wise, loving woman we know you are without releasing your son to find his way as an independent adult? </p><p></p><p>Do not become two flies trapped in amber where the only way out is to shatter the stone. Reach for possibilities. Take a leap of faith that everything will somehow work out for the best. Trust your son to find his way. This choice does not mean you will never see him or that you will not be there for him in times of trouble. It means you will take a different role in his life - that's all, really.</p><p></p><p>Many hugs and please forgive me if I have come across as critical or unkind. That is not my intention at all.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes,</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 304157, member: 7948"] Trish - Is there someone in your life that you trust to give you good advice? Someone perhaps whose children are now adults out in the world? If you do, maybe it would be helpful to you to talk things over with that person. I suggest this because my experience with e-mail and on-line posts is that the emotion, the physical contact, the tone of voice which add so much to our understanding of another person's words cannot be conveyed well by words on a screen. Sometimes thoughts shared out of caring and love can be misunderstood or seen differently than as intended. My words are intended to support, to speak that which is often unspeakable among those who do not have a difficult child in their lives, to encourage you to challenge the status quo and to consider the possibility that there are other ways of looking at your situation and your son's behavior. I see your experience through the lens of my experience. Perhaps I am projecting things onto your situation that are not there. It's hard to know. What I do know is that we have been through a similar struggle with our own child. It was painful, it was scary, it was at times a nightmare. But we made it through and learned some powerful lessons along the way. Our son struggled to express his need for independence and self-determination. He didn't use "his words" - instead he used actions. He was so extremely disabled and we had taken care of him for so long you see. We decided almost everything for him, we did almost everything for him. We made what, in retrospect, were clearly token and patronizing attempts to include him in decisions about his life or to hand him responsibility for his money or his time. We made many mistakes. Our son has a severe bone disorder. He is about 2 feet tall because his legs are fixed in a seated position in front of him. He has extreme deformities of the arms and legs. Each of his fingers is a different length and width. He can fracture an arm by turning it the wrong way - something that happens often because his elbows and wrists are fused and his arms are shaped like a distorted S. On top of these physical disabilities he had significant learning disabilities, he was paranoid and depressed. Because of his lack of insight he expressed his severe internal conflict through his body - pseudo-seizures, paralysis, loss of sensation. He resorted to behavior that was much more extreme that what you are seeing with your son. The week before he turned 18 he attempted suicide every single day. He threatened us with knives and tried to run us down with his power wheelchair. He has been on his own for 8 years now. We have been horrified at times by the choices he has made. He has been homeless more than once. He takes incredible risks that put him in great danger at times. But he is happy. He is independent. He is an adult - not always a very competent one but an adult nevertheless. Given where we have been and where we are now I want to say to you what no one in our lives had the insight or knowledge to say to us during those dark, dark days. Take from my words the parts that make sense to you and leave the rest. So here is what I think. I think that this conversation is really about you - [LIST] [*]about how scared you are for your son [*]about how accustomed you are to your role in his life and the way it imposes shape and purpose on your life [*]about how you feel when you let yourself wonder what you will do when you don't have to take care of him anymore [*]about how you will manage when you don't know what he's doing every second of every day [*]about facing the possibility that you have made parenting mistakes that will make his life harder - something we ALL have done - it's part of life [*]about resisting recognition of your own entrenched patterns and how those patterns may be effecting the people you love - especially your son - in unintended ways. [/LIST] Here in the USA it would be a significant sign of disrespect to refer to an adult male as "His Lordship". Maybe it's a cultural issue but coming from you it sounds passive-aggressive. It sounds like you resent him but won't set appropriate boundaries that would allow each of you to respect the other. He's holding down an apprenticeship as a butcher and you want to do a sticker chart for him to earn his trips to the video store? It sounds like there is a huge disconnect between his behavior and your expectations at home and his behavior elsewhere and the expectations other adults have for him - places like his apprenticeship. Are they doing a sticker chart with him? Would they look at you like you were crazy if you suggested it? My daughter has severe auditory processing problems. Yes it is challenging. Speech therapy has helped a lot but I think that having adults in her life who expect her to do what it takes to be successful (and letting her get on with it) are a big part of her success and her exuberant self-confidence. I don't actually take much credit for this - she is an amazing child and has many adults in her life who encourage her independence. About the psychologist - why should you be mad about what the psychologist said? Is this your therapy or your son's? What are you doing in the middle of that relationship? Perhaps I misunderstood you but the way you describe this sounded inappropriate to me. Ask yourself: who's in charge of his life? You or him? It should not be you any more. You say you want to be free of this "burden" but your words and your actions are not congruent. Smiling while gritting your teeth and pretending that everything is swell, complaining to others without making any changes in your actions, enduring public abuse, involving yourself in his therapeutic relationship, making up sticker charts to motivate him, giving him control of his money and then insisting that he "save" some when and how you tell him - does this sound like you are modelling a healthy relationship between a 19 year old man and his parent? It appears that you are sabotaging him big time Mom. Unless he's mentally retarded - and I mean IQ 50 or less kind of MR (I don't see that listed in your description anywhere) YOU are not behaving appropriately. His behavior may be obnoxious but you're the one who's been an adult for all these years and should be able to take the longer view. It's very scary to let them fail, to watch them make mistakes that you know are going to cost them dearly. Hopefully you grew up in a home where you experienced independence as a young adult. If so, you survived didn't you? How are our children ever going to learn those lessons if we don't let them fail? You may be quite amazed at the resourcefulness your son displays when he has no one to rescue him. We were. What will he have to feel proud of if you spend your days and nights arranging his life and fixing things for him? That he did what you told him to do? Don't you want him to experience the sense of accomplishment that only comes with overcoming life's challenges on his own? And what will he do when the day comes that you are no longer there to take care of him? It could be tomorrow or next week or next month. If he can take care of himself then, he can probably take care of himself now. If he is truly so mentally handicapped that he cannot care for himself without close supervision, then you need to be looking for a sheltered community for him to live in or some other arrangement that gets him out of your house and into a supported program run by professionals. He deserves the dignity of being treated as an adult no matter what and he's not getting that with you. I understand completely how hard it is to step back and let them go. But you MUST do it. If you don't your child may never reach his potential, your relationship with him is likely to become distorted with anger and resentment, and, in the end, he may not have the tools he needs to live life after you are gone. Have faith in him. Believe that he can handle things himself. Envision the smile on his face when he discovers he's a good employee. Let yourself imagine how he will feel when a decision he made on his own turns out right. Think about how he might feel when a decision he made turns out wrong and he can't blame you for how things turned out - just think what his therapist can do with that kind of ammunition! He won't do everything right. He may end up living a life you would not have chosen for him. But it's not YOUR life. It's HIS. People don't grow without a certain amount of pain, suffering and frustration. Take away the hard times and you are likely to get something stunted and deformed - haunted by self-doubt and self-pity. It is the painful times that give us insight into ourselves. There's a lesson in that for you personally. You are not finished growing, changing, giving, loving. You have potential of your own to fulfill in this life, gifts to give to the wider world, new ideas to explore, new places to go, new things to see and experience. Can you continue to mature into the wise, loving woman we know you are without releasing your son to find his way as an independent adult? Do not become two flies trapped in amber where the only way out is to shatter the stone. Reach for possibilities. Take a leap of faith that everything will somehow work out for the best. Trust your son to find his way. This choice does not mean you will never see him or that you will not be there for him in times of trouble. It means you will take a different role in his life - that's all, really. Many hugs and please forgive me if I have come across as critical or unkind. That is not my intention at all. Best wishes, [/QUOTE]
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