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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 304165" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>We do NOT mean to be cruel or mean in any way. We just do not think you really SEE what your behavior is really saying to him and the rest of the world and what it will do to him and his life. </p><p></p><p>He is resourceful enough to have conned you into doing his stuff for him so chances are he is more resourceful and able than you perceive. My mom and I call this "creative incompetence" and find that the males in our lives are Grand Masters at it. This means that they will do a job so badly or half-tushiedly and make such a HUGE deal about how hard they worked and how they never get appreciated that we just fix it rather than fight about it. They may even pick fights about not being appreciated enough when they do things. All of this makes us FAR less likely to ask them to do that chore, and after several rounds of this we stop asking them to do almost any chore. It is easier to just do the chores than listen to them and cope with the lousy job they are doing. So we slide into doing the chores ourself and resenting the living daylights out of them. Soon they are happily doing nothing and all it cost them was a few poorly done chores and some loud gritching about not being appreciated or able to do anything that you think is done "right".</p><p></p><p>It really is shooting ourselves in the foot when we do this. I have had good luck turning the tables. When husband or my dad starts moaning about how I never appreciate that they put a new roll of tp in the bathroom (because they throw the used up roll onto the floor and put the new roll on TOP of the holder, or they put the new roll sitting on top of the old roll on the holder), I start moaning about having to pick up all the garbage off the floor. I start doing only PART of the dishes and I make dang SURE that his favorite dishes have a film of grease on them or if I clean them completely I either use them or smear some dishsoap on them so his meal tastes funny. Or I have just stopped doing ALL cleaning tasks. The bad part about THAT is that I have to be able to live with a mess for about a week. That is how long it takes him to see what I am doing. Or it did. (When I got so sick he stopped doing almost any housework because first he thought I was faking it. When he realized I was NOT faking it and could make myself really really ILL the house was too far gone for him to catch up. Hence hiring someone to dig us out. NOW I gripe about anything out of place. </p><p></p><p>For just a few moments close your eyes and think about when you were a young adult. Did your mom control everything you did so nothing was hard on you? If so, how did that make you feel? If she did not control your life the way you do your son's life, how did you feel about that? How did you feel when you were faced with a problem and you solved it? Do you really want to rob your son of those feelings?</p><p></p><p>Can you now see some of the bad habits you slid into and how it happened? It was NOT EVER EVER EVER done out of a desire to hurt or cripple your son. You NEVER woke up and asked yourself "How can I mess up my kid or hurt him so that his life will forever be a misery?". You only ever asked yourself "What can I do to help him so his life will be good?". So start off by forgiving yourself. difficult child needs the wood to build his own life. Feeling guilty is natural but difficult child will use it against you when his life becomes uncomfortable. So do what you can to put guilt out of your life.</p><p></p><p>Maya Angelou (I think) pegged it when she said "We did what we knew to do. When we knew better we did better."</p><p></p><p>Now you could, if it made you feel better and wouldn't give difficult child too much power to guilt you into things, apologize to him. Tell him you were wrong to do so much for him and control so much of his life. Tell him that from now on you will allow him to live out his own decisions and will let him make his own mistakes and solve them. YOU are now out of the business of telling him what he needs to do and out of the business for fixing things so his life will be comfortable.</p><p></p><p>IF his decisions will create hardship on the family, or abuse the families generosity or break the house rules ( yes, you still have rules, even MORE of them aimed at being a good housemate. The same as you would have for any roommate, including pulling his own financial weight.)</p><p></p><p>Tell him that you expect him to be a considerate housemate, list specific rules (Marg is good at outlining rules that will help define each of your roles at this point in life, you may want to ask for her help here.) and let him know that violating the rules will have him forced to move out.</p><p></p><p>He WILL break the rules. As many as he can. Do NOT give second chances, DO follow through with the consequences. Once he moves out he will HAVE to face new challenges and the real world. As a parent this is what you should WANT. It means he will learn to handle his mistakes and revel in his successes. He will probably be angry at you. It will pass. He will eventually see that you and he were too enmeshed and the separation is good. </p><p></p><p>Just don't give in to guilt. It is HARD, dang hard. But YOU must learn and grow and so you must also let him learn and grow. It will set a path for independence for you, and for all of your kids. </p><p></p><p>Many hugs, and lots of support will be here as you go through this process.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 304165, member: 1233"] We do NOT mean to be cruel or mean in any way. We just do not think you really SEE what your behavior is really saying to him and the rest of the world and what it will do to him and his life. He is resourceful enough to have conned you into doing his stuff for him so chances are he is more resourceful and able than you perceive. My mom and I call this "creative incompetence" and find that the males in our lives are Grand Masters at it. This means that they will do a job so badly or half-tushiedly and make such a HUGE deal about how hard they worked and how they never get appreciated that we just fix it rather than fight about it. They may even pick fights about not being appreciated enough when they do things. All of this makes us FAR less likely to ask them to do that chore, and after several rounds of this we stop asking them to do almost any chore. It is easier to just do the chores than listen to them and cope with the lousy job they are doing. So we slide into doing the chores ourself and resenting the living daylights out of them. Soon they are happily doing nothing and all it cost them was a few poorly done chores and some loud gritching about not being appreciated or able to do anything that you think is done "right". It really is shooting ourselves in the foot when we do this. I have had good luck turning the tables. When husband or my dad starts moaning about how I never appreciate that they put a new roll of tp in the bathroom (because they throw the used up roll onto the floor and put the new roll on TOP of the holder, or they put the new roll sitting on top of the old roll on the holder), I start moaning about having to pick up all the garbage off the floor. I start doing only PART of the dishes and I make dang SURE that his favorite dishes have a film of grease on them or if I clean them completely I either use them or smear some dishsoap on them so his meal tastes funny. Or I have just stopped doing ALL cleaning tasks. The bad part about THAT is that I have to be able to live with a mess for about a week. That is how long it takes him to see what I am doing. Or it did. (When I got so sick he stopped doing almost any housework because first he thought I was faking it. When he realized I was NOT faking it and could make myself really really ILL the house was too far gone for him to catch up. Hence hiring someone to dig us out. NOW I gripe about anything out of place. For just a few moments close your eyes and think about when you were a young adult. Did your mom control everything you did so nothing was hard on you? If so, how did that make you feel? If she did not control your life the way you do your son's life, how did you feel about that? How did you feel when you were faced with a problem and you solved it? Do you really want to rob your son of those feelings? Can you now see some of the bad habits you slid into and how it happened? It was NOT EVER EVER EVER done out of a desire to hurt or cripple your son. You NEVER woke up and asked yourself "How can I mess up my kid or hurt him so that his life will forever be a misery?". You only ever asked yourself "What can I do to help him so his life will be good?". So start off by forgiving yourself. difficult child needs the wood to build his own life. Feeling guilty is natural but difficult child will use it against you when his life becomes uncomfortable. So do what you can to put guilt out of your life. Maya Angelou (I think) pegged it when she said "We did what we knew to do. When we knew better we did better." Now you could, if it made you feel better and wouldn't give difficult child too much power to guilt you into things, apologize to him. Tell him you were wrong to do so much for him and control so much of his life. Tell him that from now on you will allow him to live out his own decisions and will let him make his own mistakes and solve them. YOU are now out of the business of telling him what he needs to do and out of the business for fixing things so his life will be comfortable. IF his decisions will create hardship on the family, or abuse the families generosity or break the house rules ( yes, you still have rules, even MORE of them aimed at being a good housemate. The same as you would have for any roommate, including pulling his own financial weight.) Tell him that you expect him to be a considerate housemate, list specific rules (Marg is good at outlining rules that will help define each of your roles at this point in life, you may want to ask for her help here.) and let him know that violating the rules will have him forced to move out. He WILL break the rules. As many as he can. Do NOT give second chances, DO follow through with the consequences. Once he moves out he will HAVE to face new challenges and the real world. As a parent this is what you should WANT. It means he will learn to handle his mistakes and revel in his successes. He will probably be angry at you. It will pass. He will eventually see that you and he were too enmeshed and the separation is good. Just don't give in to guilt. It is HARD, dang hard. But YOU must learn and grow and so you must also let him learn and grow. It will set a path for independence for you, and for all of your kids. Many hugs, and lots of support will be here as you go through this process. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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