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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="therese005us" data-source="post: 304317" data-attributes="member: 7416"><p>Thank you all. some of your responses were harsh - but I went to bed cryng anyway - the day just gets long at the moment!</p><p> </p><p>there is a saying, 'you need to walk in my shoes' and none of us should presume we know all the answers or all the situations. We can only write here a shhort version of our lives.</p><p> </p><p>Marg's right, he's NOT 19 per se, and I've been battling that part ever since day 1. I TRY to treat him as such, it back fires, my expectations are too unrealistic and overwhelming for him. Which is why, 1/ he didn't know the address of his appointment; 2/ nor the name of the person he had to see; etc etc and I got the verbal abuse, because I wanted to let HIM take charge of his appointment.</p><p> </p><p>He would have gone to his interview unshaven, unwashed etc in his work clothes if I hadn't taken his clothes and asked him to do these things before his appointment time. Should I let him? and blow his chances of moving forward towards independence? Some may say yes! consequences for actions. Well, I think we can use that in some of the little things, working towards bigger things - like allowing him to buy a car way too soon, at the beginning of the year - now it's rotting away because he can't drive it.... but it is his money.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, I suggest he saves, and it's only a suggestion. I won't take marg up on the suggestion of havign signature on his account. There are two parts to it - one is 'spendings' the other 'savigns' the savings part is attached, but he physically has to enter a bank to get that out. I suggeset when I know ther eis X amount spare in there that "should I transfer $ to your savings?" persuasion is heavy though.</p><p> </p><p>He spendds his money on drinks, drugs and games/dvds/smokes. He resents having to buy his own socks! and food! Hence the term 'his lordship' from my perspective, he manipulates people into giving him what he wants for little return. Waits for his meals, but doesn't offer to help prepare. I'm working on it. I just get sick of the battles, I'm tired, very tired.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm hungry, when's dinner?" My response (when I can muster it) is, 'well, I can't cook, I have no wood!' filling the woodbox is his responsibility. Same response for when there happens to be no hot water.</p><p> </p><p>As for the psychologist reaction? That's all it was, a reaction. I'm glad he didn't ring back, you are entirely right, his appointment is his appointment. He is rather a liar, and likes reaction - I give it sometimes too readily. He probably was asked, what do you want for your life? I know, he wants to move out and get a flat he's being sayng that a year now. The psychologist, not knowing him well yet, has reacted by saying - do it then, work towards it. DS19, used that to get a reaction the other day, I gave it. I want him to be independent too, we even made a list of what he needs to save towards. He can't move out indepdnently yet (mainly 'cos he's not) until he's been properly assessed, settled, etc. on medications, job, so on. When he does, I'll still have to care for him somewhat to make sure he takes his medications etc. so it will be semi independent. I don't know yet where to go for that support, but as time goes on, we'll find out whether there m ay be 'drop in' people to see things run smoothly. </p><p> </p><p>he has his own 'pad' since he's home. He has a caravan for his space and I've tried to encourage him to help make a patio area as well. He chooses to spend all day in there, watching tv, etc. despite my encouragement/pleadings etc. to help about the place, get out more.... it goes on.</p><p> </p><p>The 'rewards' system you all reacted to is another desperate attempt at getting him to receive for giving. Consequences/action etc. and an outside suggestion from a mother with a child without disability when her daughter wouldn't help about. She charged her $ per hour for what she did. I had no intention of making a 'sticker chart'. I've already given him a daily routine chart - he ignores it. I thought write down what I expect save nagging - doesn't work.</p><p>Give him a calendar to write appointments on - doesn't work.</p><p>Give him a diary to write appointments on - doesn't work</p><p>Notebook to help him remember at home and work (no shame in writing down the tasks to refer to later, right?) doesn't work</p><p> </p><p>All these things in an attempt to treat him with respect and dignity. no one else has to know his memory is non existent or his auditory processing is below par. But attitude is 110% If he would realise that this is to help him NOT be seen as different.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe I treated him wrong in the beginning, like a normal kid. Instead of making sure he knew he was disabled? But no, I don't think so...</p><p> </p><p>Even the Employment counsellor rang me after the appointment I decided not to go to. She said, he has a disability right? It was quite obvious to me, he had no idea what I was saying. Could you come in for another appointment so we can explain it together?</p><p> </p><p>I don't really want him on disability allowance. That's what his 'mates' did when he was on the streets. Told him how to get the most out of welfare. Except they pretended to be sick to get it, so they had the moeny for drugs and didn't have to look for work. They even used that to get out of police problems, pretended to go "pschizo" when picked up for misdemeanors. He would qualify, for sure. But that's an easy way out. He can work, in the right atmosphere, with assistance. The woolies people are equal opportunity, so we can disclose his medical condition and they will help him through. He can even do reduced hours on his apprenticeship to help him through. He may not succeed beyond the apprenticeship, but he'll be learning and earning and have some dignity.</p><p> </p><p>His current employment counsellor wants him to help out more. It's not going to happen. Make him responsible for feeding the dog, don't remind him. Been there done that - the dog nearly starved for 3 days. "Sorry I forgot" is a common phrase - dogs don't get fed, chooks die from no water, water tank gets drained, I try, but it's awful frustrating and tiring running after him.</p><p> </p><p>His sheets didn't get washed for 6 weeks. Every Monday, put out your sheets - so I didn't nag except to say it once on Monday, 6 WEEKS! same with bathing, it's either all or none! </p><p> </p><p>I don't want to be here sometimes. But a mother has to do what she has to do. </p><p> </p><p>He won't go till he's ready. When he does, if he's not 'settled' i.e. job, nice friends, a purpose in life he can handle, he'll be back on the streets again with drugs and drink. I know he smuggles them here, but I'm hoping the change of environment i.e. work, will help.</p><p>If I don't help him now, he's getting older, the chances get slimmer. 19 is considered too old to put on apprentices in some fields, so he's lucky for the chance. 21, 22, etc. with no experience backing on his resume looks bad. It took some careful phrasingn to explain away the blank of 2 years already.</p><p> </p><p>I'm a little calmer today... though the dam could burst at any time. My DD12 is very worried... she feels a hospital visit is imminent. Thankfully, Cherub's here this weekend too, so I know i have to cope, somehow.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="therese005us, post: 304317, member: 7416"] Thank you all. some of your responses were harsh - but I went to bed cryng anyway - the day just gets long at the moment! there is a saying, 'you need to walk in my shoes' and none of us should presume we know all the answers or all the situations. We can only write here a shhort version of our lives. Marg's right, he's NOT 19 per se, and I've been battling that part ever since day 1. I TRY to treat him as such, it back fires, my expectations are too unrealistic and overwhelming for him. Which is why, 1/ he didn't know the address of his appointment; 2/ nor the name of the person he had to see; etc etc and I got the verbal abuse, because I wanted to let HIM take charge of his appointment. He would have gone to his interview unshaven, unwashed etc in his work clothes if I hadn't taken his clothes and asked him to do these things before his appointment time. Should I let him? and blow his chances of moving forward towards independence? Some may say yes! consequences for actions. Well, I think we can use that in some of the little things, working towards bigger things - like allowing him to buy a car way too soon, at the beginning of the year - now it's rotting away because he can't drive it.... but it is his money. Yes, I suggest he saves, and it's only a suggestion. I won't take marg up on the suggestion of havign signature on his account. There are two parts to it - one is 'spendings' the other 'savigns' the savings part is attached, but he physically has to enter a bank to get that out. I suggeset when I know ther eis X amount spare in there that "should I transfer $ to your savings?" persuasion is heavy though. He spendds his money on drinks, drugs and games/dvds/smokes. He resents having to buy his own socks! and food! Hence the term 'his lordship' from my perspective, he manipulates people into giving him what he wants for little return. Waits for his meals, but doesn't offer to help prepare. I'm working on it. I just get sick of the battles, I'm tired, very tired. "I'm hungry, when's dinner?" My response (when I can muster it) is, 'well, I can't cook, I have no wood!' filling the woodbox is his responsibility. Same response for when there happens to be no hot water. As for the psychologist reaction? That's all it was, a reaction. I'm glad he didn't ring back, you are entirely right, his appointment is his appointment. He is rather a liar, and likes reaction - I give it sometimes too readily. He probably was asked, what do you want for your life? I know, he wants to move out and get a flat he's being sayng that a year now. The psychologist, not knowing him well yet, has reacted by saying - do it then, work towards it. DS19, used that to get a reaction the other day, I gave it. I want him to be independent too, we even made a list of what he needs to save towards. He can't move out indepdnently yet (mainly 'cos he's not) until he's been properly assessed, settled, etc. on medications, job, so on. When he does, I'll still have to care for him somewhat to make sure he takes his medications etc. so it will be semi independent. I don't know yet where to go for that support, but as time goes on, we'll find out whether there m ay be 'drop in' people to see things run smoothly. he has his own 'pad' since he's home. He has a caravan for his space and I've tried to encourage him to help make a patio area as well. He chooses to spend all day in there, watching tv, etc. despite my encouragement/pleadings etc. to help about the place, get out more.... it goes on. The 'rewards' system you all reacted to is another desperate attempt at getting him to receive for giving. Consequences/action etc. and an outside suggestion from a mother with a child without disability when her daughter wouldn't help about. She charged her $ per hour for what she did. I had no intention of making a 'sticker chart'. I've already given him a daily routine chart - he ignores it. I thought write down what I expect save nagging - doesn't work. Give him a calendar to write appointments on - doesn't work. Give him a diary to write appointments on - doesn't work Notebook to help him remember at home and work (no shame in writing down the tasks to refer to later, right?) doesn't work All these things in an attempt to treat him with respect and dignity. no one else has to know his memory is non existent or his auditory processing is below par. But attitude is 110% If he would realise that this is to help him NOT be seen as different. Maybe I treated him wrong in the beginning, like a normal kid. Instead of making sure he knew he was disabled? But no, I don't think so... Even the Employment counsellor rang me after the appointment I decided not to go to. She said, he has a disability right? It was quite obvious to me, he had no idea what I was saying. Could you come in for another appointment so we can explain it together? I don't really want him on disability allowance. That's what his 'mates' did when he was on the streets. Told him how to get the most out of welfare. Except they pretended to be sick to get it, so they had the moeny for drugs and didn't have to look for work. They even used that to get out of police problems, pretended to go "pschizo" when picked up for misdemeanors. He would qualify, for sure. But that's an easy way out. He can work, in the right atmosphere, with assistance. The woolies people are equal opportunity, so we can disclose his medical condition and they will help him through. He can even do reduced hours on his apprenticeship to help him through. He may not succeed beyond the apprenticeship, but he'll be learning and earning and have some dignity. His current employment counsellor wants him to help out more. It's not going to happen. Make him responsible for feeding the dog, don't remind him. Been there done that - the dog nearly starved for 3 days. "Sorry I forgot" is a common phrase - dogs don't get fed, chooks die from no water, water tank gets drained, I try, but it's awful frustrating and tiring running after him. His sheets didn't get washed for 6 weeks. Every Monday, put out your sheets - so I didn't nag except to say it once on Monday, 6 WEEKS! same with bathing, it's either all or none! I don't want to be here sometimes. But a mother has to do what she has to do. He won't go till he's ready. When he does, if he's not 'settled' i.e. job, nice friends, a purpose in life he can handle, he'll be back on the streets again with drugs and drink. I know he smuggles them here, but I'm hoping the change of environment i.e. work, will help. If I don't help him now, he's getting older, the chances get slimmer. 19 is considered too old to put on apprentices in some fields, so he's lucky for the chance. 21, 22, etc. with no experience backing on his resume looks bad. It took some careful phrasingn to explain away the blank of 2 years already. I'm a little calmer today... though the dam could burst at any time. My DD12 is very worried... she feels a hospital visit is imminent. Thankfully, Cherub's here this weekend too, so I know i have to cope, somehow. [/QUOTE]
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