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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 304422" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Trish, it really is difficult. He does sound a lot like difficult child 1 at that age, only difficult child 1 doesn't have the schizophrenia and never had the drug abuse. Instead, he has found religion. Which only worries me because he is a tad over-the-top with it (gets arrogant about "God is on my side, so I will win my court case because my heart is right with God" - really cheeses me off because in my book, God is not a magic wishing fairy). But given a choice between drugs and God, I know which I prefer. I'm just waiting for the zeal to settle down into something a bit more liveable with. And he STILL hasn't got a job and plays computer games a lot.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, the notice board is about all that DID work with difficult child 1. But he at least was motivated to do the right thing. Not sure that your DS19 is.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, we went through years of difficult child 1 just standing there helpless while everyone else rushed around to look after him. He even had his baby sister doing up the buckles on his shows. He was 10 before he could tie his own shoes - we had to buy ones with velcro, even when he was in high school!</p><p></p><p>People attacked us, too, for "making him helpless". But the problen is - it's not us! It's the kid, he really was that helpless!</p><p></p><p>We had to take baby steps, and we had to include him in the choices. We had to keep him on track and keep touching base with what we expected form him - but more importantly, what he expected from himself. HE had to own the process.</p><p></p><p>And you are right, Trish - at 19, your son's therapist and psychiatrist will both be saying, "So what are your plans for your life, and what are you doing about getting them achieved?" we went through this with difficult child 1 and easy child 2/difficult child 2. It's what they do, when the kid is this age.</p><p></p><p>What I've seen work - a TAFE course. Get him to a TAFE counsellor (the neurological disabilities counsellors are the ones who should help; I made the calls and anyone who told me to stop coddling my child, I said, "YOU take him for a week and then tell me that; or shut up and let me get on with heping him (at his pace) learn to be independent."</p><p>Because seriously - some things we HAVE to do, for them to learn how to do it for themselves. If the whole thing is too hard, they won't try. If we get them halfway, there is a chance they'll put in a bit of effort and get themselves another quarter of the way there. That is better than stagnation.</p><p></p><p>TAFE has a lot of options, lots of course. We let difficult child 1 choose whatever he wanted. At the same time, sister in law was doing the same thing. Don't worry about cost - a disability, even ADHD, gets you into a course for free. At least, it does in NSW. There should be something equivalent in Queensland.</p><p></p><p>sister in law did a course in Explosives and liked it. But then he decided to study something different, and did a computer course. He liked that even more. In the third year he did the next computer course. And so on. Eventually he got a diploma and this got him into uni, with advanced standing. Or he could have got a good job right away.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 - at first he studied to be a vet nurse. Then he 'discovered' creationism and finds working with animals puts him around people with whom his religion clashes, so he's walked away from anything zoological. Next he studied Japanese. Hedropped out before the end of the course, because it clashed with a movie he was rehearsing in (the movie never got made).</p><p>Then he began apprenticeship courses and finally worked out what he wanted to do.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes the course seems idiotic. But it can lead on to something which is more useful.</p><p></p><p>In NSW if you have a disability or get ANY Centrelink payment (I think ANY - check it out), you get one free TAFE course a year. Sounds like it could give your son a focus in life, if nothing else.</p><p></p><p>Our kids HATE doing chores for us, but will ahppily do the same chores for a neighbour or girlfriend's family. Especially if they get paid.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you need to set up a payment system for him, to earn kilowatts for X hours of farm work for you.</p><p></p><p>A thought.</p><p></p><p>Not sure what else to suggest. He is a huge headache for you, but you do need to stand firm in your lack of availability. be consistent.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 304422, member: 1991"] Trish, it really is difficult. He does sound a lot like difficult child 1 at that age, only difficult child 1 doesn't have the schizophrenia and never had the drug abuse. Instead, he has found religion. Which only worries me because he is a tad over-the-top with it (gets arrogant about "God is on my side, so I will win my court case because my heart is right with God" - really cheeses me off because in my book, God is not a magic wishing fairy). But given a choice between drugs and God, I know which I prefer. I'm just waiting for the zeal to settle down into something a bit more liveable with. And he STILL hasn't got a job and plays computer games a lot. The thing is, the notice board is about all that DID work with difficult child 1. But he at least was motivated to do the right thing. Not sure that your DS19 is. Mind you, we went through years of difficult child 1 just standing there helpless while everyone else rushed around to look after him. He even had his baby sister doing up the buckles on his shows. He was 10 before he could tie his own shoes - we had to buy ones with velcro, even when he was in high school! People attacked us, too, for "making him helpless". But the problen is - it's not us! It's the kid, he really was that helpless! We had to take baby steps, and we had to include him in the choices. We had to keep him on track and keep touching base with what we expected form him - but more importantly, what he expected from himself. HE had to own the process. And you are right, Trish - at 19, your son's therapist and psychiatrist will both be saying, "So what are your plans for your life, and what are you doing about getting them achieved?" we went through this with difficult child 1 and easy child 2/difficult child 2. It's what they do, when the kid is this age. What I've seen work - a TAFE course. Get him to a TAFE counsellor (the neurological disabilities counsellors are the ones who should help; I made the calls and anyone who told me to stop coddling my child, I said, "YOU take him for a week and then tell me that; or shut up and let me get on with heping him (at his pace) learn to be independent." Because seriously - some things we HAVE to do, for them to learn how to do it for themselves. If the whole thing is too hard, they won't try. If we get them halfway, there is a chance they'll put in a bit of effort and get themselves another quarter of the way there. That is better than stagnation. TAFE has a lot of options, lots of course. We let difficult child 1 choose whatever he wanted. At the same time, sister in law was doing the same thing. Don't worry about cost - a disability, even ADHD, gets you into a course for free. At least, it does in NSW. There should be something equivalent in Queensland. sister in law did a course in Explosives and liked it. But then he decided to study something different, and did a computer course. He liked that even more. In the third year he did the next computer course. And so on. Eventually he got a diploma and this got him into uni, with advanced standing. Or he could have got a good job right away. difficult child 1 - at first he studied to be a vet nurse. Then he 'discovered' creationism and finds working with animals puts him around people with whom his religion clashes, so he's walked away from anything zoological. Next he studied Japanese. Hedropped out before the end of the course, because it clashed with a movie he was rehearsing in (the movie never got made). Then he began apprenticeship courses and finally worked out what he wanted to do. Sometimes the course seems idiotic. But it can lead on to something which is more useful. In NSW if you have a disability or get ANY Centrelink payment (I think ANY - check it out), you get one free TAFE course a year. Sounds like it could give your son a focus in life, if nothing else. Our kids HATE doing chores for us, but will ahppily do the same chores for a neighbour or girlfriend's family. Especially if they get paid. Maybe you need to set up a payment system for him, to earn kilowatts for X hours of farm work for you. A thought. Not sure what else to suggest. He is a huge headache for you, but you do need to stand firm in your lack of availability. be consistent. Marg [/QUOTE]
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