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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 304747" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Patricia, my use of the word "attacked" was actually not in reference to your post specifically. Maybe an Aussie thing - I meant the equivalent of "general community criticism from people who know you casually but don't necessarily really 'get it'." At least people on this board have a better idea because at least here, we can read all the related posts on a particular member's problems before we then give our considered opinion.</p><p></p><p>People on this site know me and know I don't seek to flame anybody. Far from it. Trish's set of problems are specifically very difficult and very challenging; the geographic isolation doesn't always help, although I think in some ways, can be an advantage here. As I also live in Australia and also in a somewhat isolated area, I can understand how we find ourselves agreeing to drive our kids here or there, simply because there are no alternatives.</p><p></p><p>Most of the attacks we copped re difficult child 1 (and now are getting with difficult child 3) are from close family and one especially close friend (whose own kids are not exactly models of healthy success). I don't want to alienate family members who are really only responding to their own fears and haven't got the perspective needed. Neither do I want to lose my good friend - she is a darling in every other way.</p><p>But I have learned - don't try to justify yourself and your methods to these people. Certainly, think about what they say and analyse - IS there a chance they could be right? Grab any kernel of truth of useful advice you can find. But once you have done this and believe everything else is merely barking up the wrong tree, walk away from bad advice and flawed criticism. </p><p></p><p>While my own kids don't have drug problems (apart from easy child 2/difficult child 2 binge drinking several times a week - but she doesn't live at home so I am restricted in what I can do about this) I have seen at very close quarters what happened with my eldest sister and two of her sons (one in particular) as well as another sister whose son, now in his 30s, is literally at death's door as a result of past drug and alcohol abuse. He is trying to stay clean now because he's been told - he will die, if he uses one more time. Just once. And he still could die, if he doesn't actively eat very carefully. He has cysts on his liver and on his pancreas, and last week was told his spleen has now become inflamed as a result of other serious organ damage. He said to me, "I have been such an idiot. The doctor said the cysts are starting to shrink, I don't feel quite as sick as I did at Christmas, but I'm told this is going to take years." He was saying he can't come to easy child 2/difficult child 2's wedding, because he simply isn't well enough yet to leave the house. Very sad. I know he wants to be there.</p><p></p><p>I look back at how he was and I can assure you (as he would) - NOTHING we could have said or done, could have prevented this. HE had to do this. My sister perhaps allowed him more latitude than I would have - but then, am I attacking her for saying this? Undoubtedly, because I wasn't there. I do know she didn't know how much he was doing, and didn't want to know. But if she had known - she couldn't have prevented. Now he's living back at home, she can at least make sure he gets his meals according to doctor's instructions, with exactly the right amount of healthy carbs, no sugar and no fat. He's frankly too ill now, to look after himself.</p><p></p><p>Trish, if this is where DS19 is headed, you can't prevent. But while he is under your roof (or at least, the caravan roof!) he IS dependent on you for electricity, for access to the van, for water. For bathroom facilities. Make your own quiet list of exactly how much he requires of you and how much you can control. Also bear in mind what you legally must provide. You can set down rules (such as "no smoking or drinking on the premises") but can you police it? Does he get visitors? Do they bring stuff in? Do you check the van in his absence and regularly search it? Caravans are designed to have secret hidey holes. If you have a written-up agreement between you both, and he has singed it and agreed to no drinking or drug use while on your premises, then I think you are entitled to search his van and confiscate anything illicit you find. This means ONLY the stuff in the agreement - if you don't include porn, you will have to put the Playboy stash back! But seriously - you DO have leverage on him. Use it, as best you can. Even if you have to get some Monopoly money and use it to pay him for chores, and let him exchange it for electricity supply to the van. I really do think he needs something set up as solid and concrete as this. Anything verbal (including verbal agreements) he is simply learning to ignore, or mentally rewrite to his own preferred interpretation.</p><p></p><p>He does sound depressed, he does sound like he's lacking a sense of purpose and direction. I know when we saw difficult child 1 go through this, we were tearing our hair out. He was 15 at the time, still attending mainstream and his teachers were also expressing concern to us. I did cop a lot of criticism from some of them, too, for his appearance. He would turn up to school unwashed and in torn, dirty clothes. But he had plenty of clean, tidy clothes hanging in his wardrobe. Plus I would send him to the bathroom to wash and I would hear the shower running. He just wasn't under it at the time... I finally had to go into his room while he slept and remove his dirty school clothes (risking turning an ankle in doing so). I copped flak for this from family because they said, "He is old enough to do this for himself."</p><p></p><p>But "old enough" does not apply, I have found, to difficult children. While I agree (as I know you do, Trish) that a sticker chart would be a bit ludicrous, I think you're on the right track in that he needs something tangible.</p><p></p><p>So have a go - do a Prince Leonard of Hutt, declare your property to be your own principality and yourself the absolute ruler. Provide your own currency and pay him in it, to be redeemable at the "national store" for luxuries.</p><p></p><p>But a word of warning from my best friend's past experience - don't let him use candles in the caravan. My friend had her site power cut off (a misunderstanding with the electric company) and her tenant in the caravan was using a candle. She set fire to the van, burned it to the ground and nearly burned down the house. Despite the electric company having made a mistake about the power (the bills HAD been paid and on time, too) there was no recompense.</p><p></p><p>Go for it, Trish!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 304747, member: 1991"] Patricia, my use of the word "attacked" was actually not in reference to your post specifically. Maybe an Aussie thing - I meant the equivalent of "general community criticism from people who know you casually but don't necessarily really 'get it'." At least people on this board have a better idea because at least here, we can read all the related posts on a particular member's problems before we then give our considered opinion. People on this site know me and know I don't seek to flame anybody. Far from it. Trish's set of problems are specifically very difficult and very challenging; the geographic isolation doesn't always help, although I think in some ways, can be an advantage here. As I also live in Australia and also in a somewhat isolated area, I can understand how we find ourselves agreeing to drive our kids here or there, simply because there are no alternatives. Most of the attacks we copped re difficult child 1 (and now are getting with difficult child 3) are from close family and one especially close friend (whose own kids are not exactly models of healthy success). I don't want to alienate family members who are really only responding to their own fears and haven't got the perspective needed. Neither do I want to lose my good friend - she is a darling in every other way. But I have learned - don't try to justify yourself and your methods to these people. Certainly, think about what they say and analyse - IS there a chance they could be right? Grab any kernel of truth of useful advice you can find. But once you have done this and believe everything else is merely barking up the wrong tree, walk away from bad advice and flawed criticism. While my own kids don't have drug problems (apart from easy child 2/difficult child 2 binge drinking several times a week - but she doesn't live at home so I am restricted in what I can do about this) I have seen at very close quarters what happened with my eldest sister and two of her sons (one in particular) as well as another sister whose son, now in his 30s, is literally at death's door as a result of past drug and alcohol abuse. He is trying to stay clean now because he's been told - he will die, if he uses one more time. Just once. And he still could die, if he doesn't actively eat very carefully. He has cysts on his liver and on his pancreas, and last week was told his spleen has now become inflamed as a result of other serious organ damage. He said to me, "I have been such an idiot. The doctor said the cysts are starting to shrink, I don't feel quite as sick as I did at Christmas, but I'm told this is going to take years." He was saying he can't come to easy child 2/difficult child 2's wedding, because he simply isn't well enough yet to leave the house. Very sad. I know he wants to be there. I look back at how he was and I can assure you (as he would) - NOTHING we could have said or done, could have prevented this. HE had to do this. My sister perhaps allowed him more latitude than I would have - but then, am I attacking her for saying this? Undoubtedly, because I wasn't there. I do know she didn't know how much he was doing, and didn't want to know. But if she had known - she couldn't have prevented. Now he's living back at home, she can at least make sure he gets his meals according to doctor's instructions, with exactly the right amount of healthy carbs, no sugar and no fat. He's frankly too ill now, to look after himself. Trish, if this is where DS19 is headed, you can't prevent. But while he is under your roof (or at least, the caravan roof!) he IS dependent on you for electricity, for access to the van, for water. For bathroom facilities. Make your own quiet list of exactly how much he requires of you and how much you can control. Also bear in mind what you legally must provide. You can set down rules (such as "no smoking or drinking on the premises") but can you police it? Does he get visitors? Do they bring stuff in? Do you check the van in his absence and regularly search it? Caravans are designed to have secret hidey holes. If you have a written-up agreement between you both, and he has singed it and agreed to no drinking or drug use while on your premises, then I think you are entitled to search his van and confiscate anything illicit you find. This means ONLY the stuff in the agreement - if you don't include porn, you will have to put the Playboy stash back! But seriously - you DO have leverage on him. Use it, as best you can. Even if you have to get some Monopoly money and use it to pay him for chores, and let him exchange it for electricity supply to the van. I really do think he needs something set up as solid and concrete as this. Anything verbal (including verbal agreements) he is simply learning to ignore, or mentally rewrite to his own preferred interpretation. He does sound depressed, he does sound like he's lacking a sense of purpose and direction. I know when we saw difficult child 1 go through this, we were tearing our hair out. He was 15 at the time, still attending mainstream and his teachers were also expressing concern to us. I did cop a lot of criticism from some of them, too, for his appearance. He would turn up to school unwashed and in torn, dirty clothes. But he had plenty of clean, tidy clothes hanging in his wardrobe. Plus I would send him to the bathroom to wash and I would hear the shower running. He just wasn't under it at the time... I finally had to go into his room while he slept and remove his dirty school clothes (risking turning an ankle in doing so). I copped flak for this from family because they said, "He is old enough to do this for himself." But "old enough" does not apply, I have found, to difficult children. While I agree (as I know you do, Trish) that a sticker chart would be a bit ludicrous, I think you're on the right track in that he needs something tangible. So have a go - do a Prince Leonard of Hutt, declare your property to be your own principality and yourself the absolute ruler. Provide your own currency and pay him in it, to be redeemable at the "national store" for luxuries. But a word of warning from my best friend's past experience - don't let him use candles in the caravan. My friend had her site power cut off (a misunderstanding with the electric company) and her tenant in the caravan was using a candle. She set fire to the van, burned it to the ground and nearly burned down the house. Despite the electric company having made a mistake about the power (the bills HAD been paid and on time, too) there was no recompense. Go for it, Trish! Marg [/QUOTE]
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