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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 304769" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Hey Marg - thanks for clarifying your previous post. I was on my handheld this weekend and had to keep my post short. short is not always very clear. I didn't think you were flaming but I needed to clarify that it was not my intent to attack Trish with my posts. It may indeed be a cultural issue but for me the word "attack" implies malice and the intent to harm. This was absolutely not my intent.</p><p></p><p>Back several posts ago, the point I was trying to make to Trish was that she needed to do pretty much what you have described - make it clear who was in charge and what the rules of the family were that he had to follow.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, the hard reality of this approach is that there needs to be some kind of bottom line - taking away the electricity, no rides, no money for video games etc - those are good IF they work. If they don't - where does that leave you?</p><p></p><p>And I firmly believe that you must examine, as honestly as possible, your behavior not just the behavior of the difficult child. How have things reached this point? What have you as a parent done, failed to do or continue to do that contributed to the problem? If you can't or won't look at your own role and what you need to change then nothing will change. The only person whose behavior you really have any control over is you. This is where Alanon and NarcAnon can play an essential role for parents.</p><p></p><p>Finally, what about the risk to other family members, especially children. In our case this was absolutely the factor that forced our hand when we made our oldest leave. I have no idea what is going on in Trish's home with her other children but I feel compelled to ask her to focus on that question at the same time she is working on a plan for her oldest. I believe very strongly that it is not right to sacrifice the well-being of the younger children for the benefit of the adult substance-abusing sib, if that is clearly what is happening. Just my opinion.</p><p></p><p>I'm so glad that Trish has connected with you - someone who knows and understands the cultural and physical landscape within in which she is embedded. That is a priceless commodity and is probably much more helpful to her than I can ever be.</p><p></p><p>I think I have offered all the insights and suggestions that I can to Trish. So I will sign off this thread.</p><p></p><p>Trish I wish you the best. You have a hard road ahead of you and it may not get easier any time soon. Be strong and be well. Look for help in unlikely places and grab it with both hands.</p><p></p><p>Peace</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 304769, member: 7948"] Hey Marg - thanks for clarifying your previous post. I was on my handheld this weekend and had to keep my post short. short is not always very clear. I didn't think you were flaming but I needed to clarify that it was not my intent to attack Trish with my posts. It may indeed be a cultural issue but for me the word "attack" implies malice and the intent to harm. This was absolutely not my intent. Back several posts ago, the point I was trying to make to Trish was that she needed to do pretty much what you have described - make it clear who was in charge and what the rules of the family were that he had to follow. Unfortunately, the hard reality of this approach is that there needs to be some kind of bottom line - taking away the electricity, no rides, no money for video games etc - those are good IF they work. If they don't - where does that leave you? And I firmly believe that you must examine, as honestly as possible, your behavior not just the behavior of the difficult child. How have things reached this point? What have you as a parent done, failed to do or continue to do that contributed to the problem? If you can't or won't look at your own role and what you need to change then nothing will change. The only person whose behavior you really have any control over is you. This is where Alanon and NarcAnon can play an essential role for parents. Finally, what about the risk to other family members, especially children. In our case this was absolutely the factor that forced our hand when we made our oldest leave. I have no idea what is going on in Trish's home with her other children but I feel compelled to ask her to focus on that question at the same time she is working on a plan for her oldest. I believe very strongly that it is not right to sacrifice the well-being of the younger children for the benefit of the adult substance-abusing sib, if that is clearly what is happening. Just my opinion. I'm so glad that Trish has connected with you - someone who knows and understands the cultural and physical landscape within in which she is embedded. That is a priceless commodity and is probably much more helpful to her than I can ever be. I think I have offered all the insights and suggestions that I can to Trish. So I will sign off this thread. Trish I wish you the best. You have a hard road ahead of you and it may not get easier any time soon. Be strong and be well. Look for help in unlikely places and grab it with both hands. Peace [/QUOTE]
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