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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 305244" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That's a point on clothes. When our kids were younger, we allowed $200 a year for ALL clothing, including shoes. We would get the basics out of this - underwwear, socks, trainers for school. Sometimes we'd bend this a bit on shoes because they ARE expensive. But after that - the kids had to buy any fashion stuff, any luxury things, for themselves. The kids learned to cultivate friendships with rich kids a size slightly larger! We also op-shopped a lot plus used the sewing machine to personalise anything. I mend, take clothes in, replace elastic, patch jeans or turn them into "sawn-offs" as needed, I've even made beach pants out of towels.</p><p></p><p>However, once the kids got to a certain age (it varies) we found they took over buying ALL their clothes. Why go out and buy more, when they already have enough? </p><p></p><p>We calculated board a bit differently. Once difficult child 1 was old enough to get Disability, a couple of other payments to me stopped. However, I also qualified for Carer Payment (or whatever Centrelink are calling it this week!). I subtracted that from board. However, some of the kids' medications are expensive, for us. The kids have to pay for their own medications out of their Disability. We do it by bank transfer, manually done online by the kids. We talk them through it until they have got the hang of it.</p><p></p><p>We modified board according to how the kids contributed in other ways. For example, while she still lived at home easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often do some shopping for us, paying for it herself. She would pick up some groceries, plus bring home fruit & vegetables she'd bought at staff discount rates where she works. We discussed this and considered this to be her board. BF2, on the other hand, wasn't in a position to do this. Plus he ate a lot while easy child 2/difficult child 2 barely made a dent in our food budget. So BF2 paid $50 a week board, most of which I used to buy meat to supplement the vegetables easy child 2/GFF2 brought home.</p><p></p><p>By not having it quite so expensive, it allowed them to save up (I could trust them to not use the extra money to go buy toys or drugs/alcohol/cigarettes) and it also encouraged them to stay where I could keep an eye on them. When they moved out, they did it with our support (not financial - we'd given therm that, with a lower board) and ongoing encouragement. We KNEW that their first electricity bill would be a rude shock - they are very wasteful of energy, especially easy child 2/difficult child 2. But we refused to help them with their first bills, they had to plan. All we would do, is talk them through developing their own budget.</p><p></p><p>Helping our difficult children work towards independence is a long process and it sometimes had me tearing my hair out. And I didn't have the drugs to worry about. We did have problems with alcohol and binge drinking, I still worry about easy child 2/difficult child 2 a bit but she's a lot better than she used to be. Still leaves a lot of room for improvement. However, she has things she HAS to save up for and as a result has had to plan more carefully.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 is 25. He is now married and lives with his wife in a tiny hole of an apartment. She is very responsible; he is learning to be. However, he has some odd hobbies and I have to be careful what I say about his hobbies, to a friend of mine. She resents difficult child 1 spending his Disability on his hobbies, because in her mind, it's HER hard-won taxes he is spending. </p><p></p><p>I see a lot of improvement in him, however. He is more balanced in how he spends money, he is making a lot of things he needs instead of buying the expensive stuff. He is also a lot more responsible with his cost of living expenses. </p><p></p><p>The thing is - my friend (I love her dearly, but she doesn't get it) doesn't understand that difficult child 1's buying toys when younger, was part of his learning process. We limited his money as much as we could, to keep a tight rein on what he COULD spend, and force him to learn to plan. You want to buy another light saber because you broke the last one at the movie launch? Then it will take you six weeks to save up for it and in that time you won't be able to spend money on anything else. Or you could spend SOME money on other things, but take twice as long to save up. Your choice."</p><p></p><p>Similarly - some people smoke and drink, but it's becoming increasingly expensive. Especially cigarettes, if they go to $50 a pack. Someone on Disability who is also a smoker, will really be strugglnig financially. They have to make choices.</p><p></p><p>The thing is - you don't have to make board expensive, to ensure they haven't got an excess of ready cash. Salting it away in a locked savings account is better because they know it's still their money, but only for really important things (like the bond on a flat). Watching the amount go up, is a boost to a self-esteem than can sometimes be rock-bottom.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 305244, member: 1991"] That's a point on clothes. When our kids were younger, we allowed $200 a year for ALL clothing, including shoes. We would get the basics out of this - underwwear, socks, trainers for school. Sometimes we'd bend this a bit on shoes because they ARE expensive. But after that - the kids had to buy any fashion stuff, any luxury things, for themselves. The kids learned to cultivate friendships with rich kids a size slightly larger! We also op-shopped a lot plus used the sewing machine to personalise anything. I mend, take clothes in, replace elastic, patch jeans or turn them into "sawn-offs" as needed, I've even made beach pants out of towels. However, once the kids got to a certain age (it varies) we found they took over buying ALL their clothes. Why go out and buy more, when they already have enough? We calculated board a bit differently. Once difficult child 1 was old enough to get Disability, a couple of other payments to me stopped. However, I also qualified for Carer Payment (or whatever Centrelink are calling it this week!). I subtracted that from board. However, some of the kids' medications are expensive, for us. The kids have to pay for their own medications out of their Disability. We do it by bank transfer, manually done online by the kids. We talk them through it until they have got the hang of it. We modified board according to how the kids contributed in other ways. For example, while she still lived at home easy child 2/difficult child 2 would often do some shopping for us, paying for it herself. She would pick up some groceries, plus bring home fruit & vegetables she'd bought at staff discount rates where she works. We discussed this and considered this to be her board. BF2, on the other hand, wasn't in a position to do this. Plus he ate a lot while easy child 2/difficult child 2 barely made a dent in our food budget. So BF2 paid $50 a week board, most of which I used to buy meat to supplement the vegetables easy child 2/GFF2 brought home. By not having it quite so expensive, it allowed them to save up (I could trust them to not use the extra money to go buy toys or drugs/alcohol/cigarettes) and it also encouraged them to stay where I could keep an eye on them. When they moved out, they did it with our support (not financial - we'd given therm that, with a lower board) and ongoing encouragement. We KNEW that their first electricity bill would be a rude shock - they are very wasteful of energy, especially easy child 2/difficult child 2. But we refused to help them with their first bills, they had to plan. All we would do, is talk them through developing their own budget. Helping our difficult children work towards independence is a long process and it sometimes had me tearing my hair out. And I didn't have the drugs to worry about. We did have problems with alcohol and binge drinking, I still worry about easy child 2/difficult child 2 a bit but she's a lot better than she used to be. Still leaves a lot of room for improvement. However, she has things she HAS to save up for and as a result has had to plan more carefully. difficult child 1 is 25. He is now married and lives with his wife in a tiny hole of an apartment. She is very responsible; he is learning to be. However, he has some odd hobbies and I have to be careful what I say about his hobbies, to a friend of mine. She resents difficult child 1 spending his Disability on his hobbies, because in her mind, it's HER hard-won taxes he is spending. I see a lot of improvement in him, however. He is more balanced in how he spends money, he is making a lot of things he needs instead of buying the expensive stuff. He is also a lot more responsible with his cost of living expenses. The thing is - my friend (I love her dearly, but she doesn't get it) doesn't understand that difficult child 1's buying toys when younger, was part of his learning process. We limited his money as much as we could, to keep a tight rein on what he COULD spend, and force him to learn to plan. You want to buy another light saber because you broke the last one at the movie launch? Then it will take you six weeks to save up for it and in that time you won't be able to spend money on anything else. Or you could spend SOME money on other things, but take twice as long to save up. Your choice." Similarly - some people smoke and drink, but it's becoming increasingly expensive. Especially cigarettes, if they go to $50 a pack. Someone on Disability who is also a smoker, will really be strugglnig financially. They have to make choices. The thing is - you don't have to make board expensive, to ensure they haven't got an excess of ready cash. Salting it away in a locked savings account is better because they know it's still their money, but only for really important things (like the bond on a flat). Watching the amount go up, is a boost to a self-esteem than can sometimes be rock-bottom. Marg [/QUOTE]
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