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I'm so stressed I feel sick.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 549477" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I was struck by the line in your post, "I don't think I ever want to become a mother who does not care." I think that is often the crux of our issues as Mom's of these kids, when we think of disengaging, detaching, stopping enabling, we think that means we don't care. I think we have to make a distinction between enabling and love. We enable when we do something for another when they can and should do it for themselves. We enable when we rob the other of the natural consequence of their behaviors which provide the learning ground for them to not repeat those mistakes. We enable when we give them what they should be earning on their own once they are an adult. And, through it all, we ALWAYS love them, but sometimes it must be from afar so that they can learn how to use their own wings to fly. This is a very hard way to love someone, however, we don't make those choices, our kids do.</p><p></p><p>If you put to rest the idea that you are not a mother who doesn't care and replace it with you are a mother who cares enough to let your child fall down so he learns how to pick himself up, the guilt will lessen. Of course you will care if he is sleeping in his car, or has no food, but that is his choice now, not yours, and the ugly and sad part is, that we also have to live with their choices because their choices break our hearts. We all know how you feel, this is mindbogglingly difficult, fraught with so many overwhelming and often conflicting emotions, but, to continue giving him money only further inhibits his ability to get out there and find his own life. </p><p></p><p>Yes, as I and many others can attest, this is the hardest thing any of us has ever done, without question. It's a place not one of us wants to be, and yet, it is what it is, we are here and we have to deal with it. My best advice to you is do your very best setting boundaries, which you are in the process of, and get yourself LOTS of support, a therapist, a group of some kind which deals with the same issues, Codependents anonymous a 12 step group, read books, keep posting here, take VERY good care of yourself because you will need to be strong and together to get through this. We're rootin' for you, hang in there, you're not alone..............(((HUGS))))</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 549477, member: 13542"] I was struck by the line in your post, "I don't think I ever want to become a mother who does not care." I think that is often the crux of our issues as Mom's of these kids, when we think of disengaging, detaching, stopping enabling, we think that means we don't care. I think we have to make a distinction between enabling and love. We enable when we do something for another when they can and should do it for themselves. We enable when we rob the other of the natural consequence of their behaviors which provide the learning ground for them to not repeat those mistakes. We enable when we give them what they should be earning on their own once they are an adult. And, through it all, we ALWAYS love them, but sometimes it must be from afar so that they can learn how to use their own wings to fly. This is a very hard way to love someone, however, we don't make those choices, our kids do. If you put to rest the idea that you are not a mother who doesn't care and replace it with you are a mother who cares enough to let your child fall down so he learns how to pick himself up, the guilt will lessen. Of course you will care if he is sleeping in his car, or has no food, but that is his choice now, not yours, and the ugly and sad part is, that we also have to live with their choices because their choices break our hearts. We all know how you feel, this is mindbogglingly difficult, fraught with so many overwhelming and often conflicting emotions, but, to continue giving him money only further inhibits his ability to get out there and find his own life. Yes, as I and many others can attest, this is the hardest thing any of us has ever done, without question. It's a place not one of us wants to be, and yet, it is what it is, we are here and we have to deal with it. My best advice to you is do your very best setting boundaries, which you are in the process of, and get yourself LOTS of support, a therapist, a group of some kind which deals with the same issues, Codependents anonymous a 12 step group, read books, keep posting here, take VERY good care of yourself because you will need to be strong and together to get through this. We're rootin' for you, hang in there, you're not alone..............(((HUGS)))) [LEFT][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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